...Snooping has its place and purpose, however once that purpose has been met, you have an answer or insight...continued snooping is sort of like sticking a fork into the wall socket again and a again and again.
Now...maybe you enjoy that, in which case might I recommend 50 Shades of Grey, but if not, no reason to do that to yourself until you need to verify intentions later.
Thanks Jack. I know, I know. Stop hurting myself, I have the information I was looking for.
And no, I do not enjoy that sorta thing. W and I are back to having no contact with each other. I am not looking forward to the following weekend's funeral service for my mother-in-law. It will be especially hard on her and the kids.
Or you could slam your head in the car door repeatedly until you see if you like it. If you're casting about for options...
You and your wife did love each other, my friend. Of that you can trust your feelings.
What you're missing is that it was in a different point in your lives. You have not fully caught up yet to the storyline.
You've waited a long time to see if she would "snap out of it" right?
Doesn't look like it from this viewpoint. While you didn't think it would happen to you, and while you thought you and your family were different, perhaps now's the time to re-evaluate the situation and your role in it - going forward; you've analyzed the past enough to know what it looks like and get the idea. By snooping, you're hurting yourself without a reason or return.
Spring's coming. Find a different hobby; make a new start for you
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
AJ, you have wise words, thank you. Truly accepting the reality that W is not coming back is even harder than detaching.
So W emails me this morning. She did not get s13 registered for this weekend's Science Fair, which is held at the big university in town, and would have been cool. In her explanation of why she did not respond to s13's teacher's email telling us s13 was not registered, W wrote me:
"I get over 600 emails a day. And after my Mom's passing, I just couldn't go through them for a couple of days..."
600 emails a day?! My beautiful W must be much more popular on the dating sites than I thought.
Yes, getting out and trying something new is great advice. It's time for something new in my life.
Love versus obedience? I decided to google it to see if there was something I was missing. After looking at several articles on the topic, it still doesn’t click for me and let me explain why.
I think the topic of obligation arises out of one’s upbringing and religion. My religious background is not one where I feel obligated to do things for God. Instead, I do things mostly out of gratitude. My relationships are the same way – for example, if a friend offers to buy me a meal when we go out, I accept it graciously. I may re-pay the meal for my friend the next time we go out together, but it doesn’t bother me if I am unable to do so. I don’t keep a scorecard on things like this.
My point is that in my relationship with my W, there was no sense of obligation toward each other, and we both enjoyed doing kind, thoughtful things for each other. Yes, I recognize now that I had some passive aggressive behavior (my W’s providing little cleaning help around the house, and in response I would clean the kitchen but not the dining room, and other petty stuff like that.) But our marriage was mostly characterized by our actions toward each other being out of kindness and not out of obligation.
So today, why am I still standing for our marriage, even after 20 months of being separated? There are many reasons, but obligation is NOT one of them. Commitment yes, but not obligation. I am committed to our marriage, to the person I knew before the BD, and to our family. And as is said elsewhere, one person can be committed to their marriage vows, even though their spouse turns their back on those same vows.
I am also unavailable to other people right now, b/c I am still married and committed to my vows. Though there is a new attractive, young lady in the office who keeps winking at me, that may put my convictions to a real test. But that’s a story for another day. Thanks T^2 for your thoughtful questions and comments, and letting me know that I deserve better.
Many of us here can relate to commitment. To one's values, beliefs, and their relationships. I know I do in a very deep way.
And like you and many of us, I do not commit easily. I take it incredibly serious when I make a commitment. It is as simple as that for me. And I sense it is for you as well.
I no way to do I see what you are doing as an 'obligation'. If it was, you would have recognized you have no further obligation to your W. She made it so regardless of the reasons.
Whether you choose to stay or go, in your own heart, is not the point I was trying to get across, and I don't think T2 was either.
What I'm suggesting is that you challenge yourself to view the next few years and what your life looks like in that future. With or without her in it.
From a religious perspective, you have every reason to push her away. She cheated and wants to date others. You can't argue with that. You can't wish it away. And you can't explain it away. You can certainly forgive, in time.
From a human perspective, you have every reason to push her away. Same as above.
The only reason you choose to do that's left, is your own. I respect that. I think most of us here do.
But as you visualize the future, be sure to keep the entire perspective. And ask yourself if you are standing for reasons you can live with. Ask yourself if that's what you want and if you're willing to pay the green fee. Ask yourself if you are doing this for your beliefs and are they the right beliefs to have for your life and what's in your life.
You're the one that has to live with the choices, so only you can answer them.
I'm sure you've honored your marriage. Your w's memory. But she's asked you to not be part of her life going forward in the same way as before. Maybe not in words, but in actions.
How does all that blend together in your visualization of the future?
I have a great deal of respect for you and your beliefs and how you follow through them. Shows great integrity. Just asking. Trying to help you clarify. It's not always clear from your posts exactly how you blend all of that together.
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
Oh T^2, you picked the wrong guy to tangle with on Latin definitions. Yes, at my liberal arts college I took three semesters of Latin (what a waste!)
Obligare is the present active infinitive from the root obligo. It can mean "to bind up, bandage, swathe". And one of the alternate definitions for the word is to set a boundary thru guilt.
My coffee maker was not working this morning, so you are going to have to connect the dots for me here.
Thank you both T^2 and AJ. I'll deal with my vision for the future in my next post.
I was counting on you having some experience with Latin, being a lawyer and all
St. Thomas? St. Olaf?
And you are warm on the swathe definition...added to what AJ wrote above.
Why do we swathe babies?
Why do we swathe/bind wounds?
You wrote that you loved to support her and her projects, etc once. It was a role you cherished, if I remember correctly. That you missed it, since it was a big part of your R dynamic.
Dots becoming more clear?
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
ON a side note... How can you list the best Brit bands and not include Led Zepplin? U2 was good, but not better than Zepp (aside from being Irish, not Brit).
Better get that coffee maker fixed, just sayin'
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
W and I are back to having no contact with each other. I am not looking forward to the following weekend's funeral service for my mother-in-law. It will be especially hard on her and the kids.
