Seperated, she is with someone - I'm desperate (2)

[vdubber]

My first thread hit 100 posts so I had to start a new one.

Here is a link to the initial thread:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...647#Post2537647


So just an update. Yesterday afternoon I had a mtg with my IC. I told her how I was doing good on my NC for about 10 days, how my WAW blew up my phone with texts last Friday very angry and calling my ignoring her as my was of controlling and trying to manipulate the situation. I let her know of the blow-up Sunday when W came over and that I had stupidly texted her this week about being sad over Valentines Day and such.

She had been very happy that I had made progress on the NC and although I had mis-haps this past week I was still doing better than previously. She encouraged me to not text her about anything other than kids, not share feelings etc.

She had an interesting point of view which I don't know whether is reality or not. She said that W and I were very co-dependant and my attempts to NC and to distance/detatch from W was me trying to break out of the codependancy loop/circle. She said when this happens, the other person who is co-dependant does whatever they can to pull the person back into the circle. She felt the angry texts, the coming over and arguing, etc...was exactly this. Tha W is very co-dependant on me which is also why she wants to be friends and says things like spending time together and having our significant others around also...

This also sounds much like the "dance" that is discussed where one pulls back and the other then reaches out. There may be manny similarities, maybe it's all the same thing, or maybe it's different...idk.

She says W has been taking advantage of my love for her and working it to her advantage for a couple years now. That she would like nothing better than to see other people and still have me in her life as a friend. That she doesn't want to break the codependancy she has on me, that we have on each other. That it is a way for her to reduce the feelings of guilt and validate tha her actions are justified and OK.

She gave me the name of a L, I had asked her about finding one. She is actually encouraging me to file D as she said the W is perfectly fine never having the D and just acting like we are already D which will never let me completely break away and move forward. I have very mixed feelings about this as to me the D means giving up forever..maybe it shouldn't mean that to me. I also feel badly that I think she wants me to file so she can tell people I D'd her and then everything she's done is somehow OK as it's on me. I do not want a D, I want us. I feel me filing is me selling out and giving her what she wants. She should have to live with people's judgements in my mind, why should she get off easy when this is what she is bringing about herself and our family.

Anyway, I plan on contacting the L and talking about the situation and getting advice as I have been given this input early on in my thread and need to take this step. It just makes me sad as although I know it doesn't mean we have to D, it does hurt my feelings to recognize we are at this point.

W is picking kids up tonight from daycare and has them from 6-10 for a friends Bday party. I am going to try to stay busy with kids tomorrow and will do my best to keep W out of my mind but admit it's going to be difficult with it being V Day. My IC has told me a few times that W has to go down this path and she needs to live with her decisions and it's very sad as she's met us both and feels W is is a dark downward spiral and may eventually come to grips with what she has and is doing. She tells me that there are tons of women that would just love to have a caring and sensitive man like me and that a majority of men would have given up and moved on with D a very long time ago but it speaks to the love I have for my W and family and the character and values I have.

Idk about all of this as I certainly have very low self esteem right now. I had never ever envisioned living in a broken family or eventually having another person in my life and my kids lives. I know I am nowhere ready for that and have a hard time feeling that I would ever find someone that could truly love me and that I could truly love. It sounds so far fatched that I can't believe it could ever be.

She said she understood my reason for wanting to move further away but wants me to wait just a bit and get myself in a healthier state and not make a rash decision to move just yet. She does want me to continue to take alternative routes and even shop at different stores, etc....to ensure I don't have to worry about running into W.

I just wanted to share where I am at today. I feel pretty teary today even as I write this and long for the day when my tears dry up and my thoughts of W go away or at least no longer become emotional.

If you have any comments, suggestions, advice, feel free. I did order the No More Mr. Nice guy, and the Codependant no more books as I've seen those both recommended and I thinkn they both fit my situation so hopefully I can take some information from those and apply it to my life.

Now work until 4 or so and I am free until 10 when kids are dropped back off. I have no plans as of now but don't want to just sit at the house. Happy Friday everyone.

[sandi2]

I had stupidly texted her this week about being sad over Valentines Day and such.

Oh no........you didn't.

I agree with everything your counselor told you.

I am not surprised you want to hit the brakes when the C suggested filing for D. So, let's talk about it. First of all, I am not saying you should file, okay? You certainly are not ready and would always believe you acted too quickly.

Every location has different laws, but in some places, filing is just filing......It is not an automatic D. It does not necessarily mean it's over or the end....or giving up forever. That is mostly your fear telling you this.

I also feel badly that I think she wants me to file so she can tell people I D'd her and then everything she's done is somehow OK as it's on me.

So if you are the one to file, it stamps "free pass" on her forehead, and stamps "guilty" on your forehead.

I realize you are talking about how you "feel", and you know that b/c you feel this way does not make these statements a fact. And if in deed they are factual, so what? She is going to tell people whatever she wants to tell them. She may lie to them too. Then what? See my point? You can't control what she thinks, wants, see things, or tells people. And people are going to think what they want to think.

I feel me filing is me selling out and giving her what she wants.

So, you will choose to stay M out of stubbornness and not want to give in to what she wants? See how illogical that sounds? (Actually, I know how you mean it, but it is something you have to let go.)

[/quote]

[quote]She should have to live with people's judgements in my mind, why should she get off easy when this is what she is bringing about herself and our family

That's a great idea. Stay in the M until she is forced to be the one to get the D.........then boy-oh-boy, everyone will know what kind of person she is then.......and they will give her the judgement she deserves! But she must be the one to file, or they will never know her for what she truly is, right? Yeah, don't let her off the easy way, she deserves all the punishment you can dish out.

It just makes me sad as although I know it doesn't mean we have to D, it does hurt my feelings to recognize we are at this point.

Why should checking out your options hurt your feelings? I think it is your W that has done the damage. You are seeing how to protect yourself and your rights as a father. That is not being the bad guy. That is being smart. It is up to you as to how you see it.

Idk about all of this as I certainly have very low self esteem right now.

Probably the rejection you feel has affected you self-esteem. When our self value is defined by our relationships or marital status, then it certainly will suffer whenever there is a change, and there is always change......sooner or later.

Maybe for men it is an ego thing? The reason I ask is b/c of how you immediately went from talking about low esteem to talking about possibly facing the future with a different person, and not being ready for it. I am not judging or fault finding at all. Just making an observation. Look at how you said this :

had never ever envisioned living in a broken family or eventually having another person in my life and my kids lives. I know I am nowhere ready for that and have a hard time feeling that I would ever find someone that could truly love me and that I could truly love. It sounds so far fatched that I can't believe it could ever be.

She said she understood my reason for wanting to move further away but wants me to wait just a bit and get myself in a healthier state and not make a rash decision to move just yet. She does want me to continue to take alternative routes and even shop at different stores, etc....to ensure I don't have to worry about running into W.

Sounds wise to me. Your C doesn't want you running to escape the problems.

You need to plan something for YOU to GAL on the 14th. It is a consumers holiday, that's all. Don't focus on lost love and all that stuff. Enjoy something fun.

[vdubber]

Thank you Sandi. I agree that I need to move forward knowing my options and not caring about what I think it represents.

It's now lunch hour and i just saw W post a pic on FB of a big bouquet of flowers sent to her work saying from a secret admirer and she was feeling loved. I am going to unfriend her as I don't need to see that. Just another way I keep letting myself get hurt by her.

[vdubber]

Left work after I saw the fb pic as I just couldn't keep it together. I went and spent a couple hours with my mom. It's the first time I've talked to her about what has been going on. These past 2 years I haven't been around my family much as I've been avoiding any discussion about my life and honestly I am a very private person and was ashamed. It was a good healing time for me with my mom and I want to open up more to my family and accept their love and support.

[vdubber]

I also just called and left a message for the lawyer recommended to me by my counselor. I won't hear back from her until Monday but it's a step in the right direction. I also deactivated my Facebook account. I don't need the pain or distraction and i have my own feelings about how healthy or unhealthy fb is in people's relationships. Wish I lived in the pre-technology years when people didn't have the easy outs and family seemed to hold more value.

[Karma12]

That's the best thing to do. Why cause yourself more pain. Families are there to give support when you need them. I was the shoulder for my brother when he went through his divorce. Now I am a frequent visitor to their home lol

[Karma12]

Valentine's day does not just mean romantic love. Buy a few single roses and pass them out at an old folks home and you will make it a great day for you and a few lonely older people.

Job and Cadet posted a great detachment thread on the MLC forum. It is at the top of the first page and well worth reading

[Karma12]

I copied the posts from the MLC form and put them on my thread. Definetly worth reading

[vdubber]

Thank you Karma. I copied all of the posts on detachment into an email I have saved on my phone and I will read them over and over. Today I will be taking kids to a movie and lunch to let them have fun and for me to stay busy.

This is the first V day in 28 years I have not given her a card or gift and certainly would be a mistake on my part to do anything this year so I wont. Very lonely and sad feeling to know she is getting flowers and gifts from another. I keep reading references to WAW can snap out of it. It seems very unlikely for me.

I don't want and I'm not ready for another person in my life but is it wrong that I wish I could go to a movie with someone and hold someone's hand? I just miss company and affection. It's hard to go without for so long but I realize this is where I am in life. Maybe just V Day emotions.

Will do my best to perk up today and keep her out of mind and thoughts. I'm happy I have my kids today.

[sandi2]

I don't want and I'm not ready for another person in my life but is it wrong that I wish I could go to a movie with someone and hold someone's hand? I just miss company and affection. It's hard to go without for so long but I realize this is where I am in life. Maybe just V Day emotions.

No, it is not wrong to desire those things. I do think perhaps you are inflicting yourself by placing too much emphases on the day.

You are defining happiness and your own value of being loved again. You are exchanging one co-dependent R for another one......before it even happens. I think you are a prime candidate for a rebound relationship.

My concern is that if you do enter into another relationship, you will be even more clingy and needy b/c you believe that R defines you.

When I lost my mother recently, it was suggested I have the words inscribed on her headstone "Loving Wife and Mother". I'm not going to have that written, and do you have any idea why? B/c she was so much more than just a wife and mother. It would imply that that was all she was.....or that she was limited to only those two areas. She was a strong and classy lady who lived a full life. Her H and children were incredibly important to her, don't get me wrong, but there was so, so much more that defined her.

My father had passed over 25 yrs before mother died. She never as much as went out to dinner with another man during those 25 yrs. She never felt the need, and just wasn't interested in having a R with a man. And she could have had one easily. She was gorgeous, and a had the personality to match. My parents were very close, and she grieved for my dad. However, she decided she would get up and be busy in living life. Come to think of it, her mother did the exact same thing! I come from a line of strong women, and if my H should go before me, I sure hope I have their spunk.

Sorry for the personal references, but I told you this in hoping you might see what I've tried to tell you. Please don't sell yourself short.