My story so far #2

[Squiggy]

Thanks Wonka. I spent a lot of time last night thinking about what everyone was saying yesterday, and then I read what sandi said as well. It really helped change my perspective on things a bit. I truly do owe this board and DB a significant portion of why I am able to be how I was today.

[Squiggy]

Just a quick update: S5 is doing well today. He slept A LOT last night, woke up later than normal. Guess he just had to get it out of his system then get some good sleep. Now he's busy building houses for Transformers with blocks

[Sotto]

Bless him - glad he's on the mend Squiggy...

[Squiggy]

I only answered, because I figured it would be about how S5 is doing with the flu, and I had said yesterday that I would be more communicative. W called in tears about the whole situation, it seems. She was talking about feeling completely depressed, hating her job, hating not being around S5 everyday, being alone, hating being up there, calling my city home, feeling stuck, and not talking to me every day. I guess she was crying hard. Even mentioning that she is so sorry she is putting me through this. I listened and validated (quite well, actually) and did not push, pursue, try to fix, or let her go into R talk about us other than me referring back to the text I sent yesterday about her feeling like I don't like her.

I did have to do a suicide screen on her though. She said she was depressed and not happy with the person she has become. She is having dark thoughts. No ideation or plan, so I'm not worried about that right now. I'll keep my ears open.

I delivered twice your boundary of, "I will not live in an open marriage. Once the affair is over, you'll find me more than willing to talk and work on any and all issues, including my own. It sounds like we have some big decisions to make." I had to deliver it twice, because she tried to ask more about what that would look like. She also tried to say that the A is not what I think it is, and it's because he was the only person up there who would listen to and help her. I shut that down very quickly and called it for what it is. She also asked I also was able to say "I realize now, in a way I didn't before, that you're a grown woman, and you are free to choose your own actions." I did it all from a lovingly detached way and made it my own statement. I left the conversation first by saying I had to go check on S5, which I did.

This conversation keeps popping into my head at random times. Did I miss something? Was there an opportunity I missed? Should I follow up with it? I'm trying so hard not to read into it, but when I think about it, it almost seems like she was reaching out. I'm trying to wait for a direct statement saying she wants to work on things, and that was not very direct. I feel like I need some encouragement that I did the right thing or a 2x4 that I didn't hear everything she was saying.

W only video called once yesterday on her way to work to talk to S5 and see how he was doing. Didn't hear from her outside of that.

[HPoirot]

Hello Squiggy. Yes you're going to second guess yourself a lot especially in the beginning. If you listened and validated her feelings then you did all you had to do. That, and likely the way she feels about things has changed a few times since your conversation. You're better off focusing on you and what you must do to support S5. Keep leaving her alone and prepare yourself for doing same for a long while. You're doing great.

[Starsky309]

This conversation keeps popping into my head at random times. Did I miss something? Was there an opportunity I missed? Should I follow up with it?

No, no, and no.

You listened, you validated, and you did tell her -- twice -- what it would take to come back. Unless and until she very specifically says "I'm ready to come back," and demonstrates TRUE remorse (and you will immediately tell the difference when you see/hear it), she's not ready and you handled it BEAUTIFULLY.

This may help you, too -- from my personal archives on something I developed called "the 4 Stages of Remorse"



Stages of Remorse:

I do think your wife is in one of the early stages of remorse, but there are several stages. They'll go from "I'm sorry I got caught," to "I'm sorry for ME that I've messed myself up so much," to "I'm sorry for YOU that I hurt you (but I still don't see anything wrong with what I did)," to finally a more self-aware "I'm sorry for what I did because IT WAS THE WRONG THING TO DO, on so many levels. For me, for the pain I caused my husband, for the breaking of my vows, etc."




I do think she's now beginning to move from the second to the third level, though, and that's good!


Starsky

[Squiggy]

HP, as always, thank you for the refocus. I'm about to go wake up S5 (he sleeps so peacefully when he is here) to take him to my mother's while I go to work. I do need to focus on he and I.

Starsky, I so hope you are right. I actually have tears in my eyes reading this, because I think I see that possibly happening. It was so hard not to respond when she said she was sorry for putting me through this. That was the first time I've heard it at all.

I need to keep hope down, focus on today, and go with the flow.

[Starsky309]

It was so hard not to respond when she said she was sorry for putting me through this. That was the first time I've heard it at all.

You can always say something like "I know, this has been extremely hard on all of us."

[Squiggy]

That's actually what I did during that conversation.

[Sotto]

Thanks Starsky. Those stages of remorse are interesting.

My H maybe skipped the first as he disclosed the A to me. But he does appear sorry for himself and self absorbed (level two?)

He has also apologised very passionately for lying, and for causing hurt - but never for actually having the A and breaking our marriage vows. I haven't seen that he regrets that (level 3?)

I've yet to see level 4. And haven't seen much of level 3 as we don't see each other much ATM! Interesting though...sorry for butting in Squiggy!