Actually, I never called it "rules". That list strictly came off the top of my head, as you can tell there is no special order, or even organized well. However, they are based on the same principles that MWD teaches. You may need to tweak the list to fit your situation. Although, you seem to be doing well following it.
Let me give you a couple of examples of what I mean. If you have a bad temper and blow up easily, then of course, walk away. But that "rule" does not mean you should never speak up, or face her to take up for yourself, or even to call her out when she disrespects you. In other words, don't walk away like a whipped dog with his tail under his legs.
Another example is believing kissing her is keeping your cool. Two different people may see this in two different ways. One may see his affection as a way of condoning her waywardness. The other may see it as you did.
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I'm making progress to becoming a better person. And she isn't even trying yet. She has been told to do nothing until her new medicine gets in her system.
I'm sorry I have forgotten, what type of meds is she taking? How does the doctor see this helping her Internet gaming and cyber sexing?
Yes, that is what I said, cybersex. The gaming has moved over to something much worse. Now I am not saying there isn't a prescription out there doesn't help, I'm just saying I've never heard of it. Moral values do not come in pills.
This is an addiction......do you get that? People who are addicted do not want to give up what addicts them. Do you get that? If you do, then why are you still waiting & watching and expecting her to "change"?
You will need to throw away your score card. She hasn't even entered the game yet! So you can't say "I get a point for this, but she gets zero b/c she hasn't done anything". Keeping a score card hurts your own progress. Okay?
The detachment link is a little long and you may have to take a little bit at a time to digest it. When first hearing the word, a lot of people think of keeping physical distance. For now, try to think of how you could detach even if you were in the same room with her. I told one man he had no problem tuning out his W until she became a WAW, then she was on his mind constantly and he smothered her with his neediness. I suppose you might sum it up by saying detaching is when you stop allowing her to control your head space......decisions....behavior....feelings....moods......action.......and things along those lines. It is not intended to be permanently, but as long as she is a WAW in her heart and actions.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I am about half way through the DB book. I just did not feel like reading it over the week end. I just felt too angry.
I'm usually very good about keeping my anger bottled in, which is another problem I need to work on. She is the same way, in fact we have never had a yelling at each in anger argument.
It wasn't something she said over the weekend. I just felt this sudden need to confront her about the affair. Let her know that I'm not an idiot and can put the clues together.
Her medication is for ADHD. I do not believe her doctor even knows about the addiction. I don't think she even believes she has an addiction problem. I get the impression from what little she has said that she is meeting to talk about loss of feelings and unsure about being married anymore, but she hasn’t said much to me about this. Her instructions from her doctor are to make no changes until the medicine gets into her system.
Excellent point on the score card. She is not even playing the game yet. Until she becomes honest with herself about the addiction problem, there is really nothing I can do, except detach.
I have often wondered if continuing to accept her kisses, hugs, and occasional hand holding is good for trying to detach from her. While it helps me get through my day thinking that there are still some feelings there, maybe it’s just a façade, to keep me in line. I certainly do not go to her for those anymore, she comes to me now. I just do not know if they are genuine, or if she is looking for me to privately condone her behavior.
Me:43, WW:45 2 Kids: 21,22 Married: 23 Years Bomb: 01/2015 Separate Bedrooms: 02/2015 She left: 03/2015
I am a little confused. Maybe you can help me. This is what your psychiatrist told you:
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My psychiatrist told me to leave her alone. She said she needed time and I was to give it to her. I’m not to pester her to talk, wait until she is ready. Also, all touching is off limits. She has to initiate any touching. He told me not hug her unless she hugs me, don’t pressure her. Basically I am to wait around and do nothing until she decides if she wants to try and save the relationship.
So he is saying not to initiate anything with her, right? If she goes to you for a hug/kiss it is fine, right?
Did you explain her addiction and the A? If so, did he still think you should do nothing?
Then you said this about her doctor:
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She met a psychiatrist a couple weeks ago and started on an anti-depressant. She was told not to make any changes, no talking until the drug kicked in and she felt better. It wasn’t working for her, so she was switched to an ADHD drug which should start to work quicker.
Did the same person who put her on anti-depressants, two weeks later put her on meds for ADHD?
Did she say something that makes you think her shrink does not know about her addiction?
Is she still seeing the shrink?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
You are correct, my guy said something along the lines of "She asked for time and space, you are to give her time and space. Do not pester her to talk, she will talk when she is ready. Do not pressure her for a decision. You don’t want her making a decision under stress. Do not approach her for sex or even just a kiss. That is all her decision, do not apply pressure by asking for or giving her an unwanted kiss. Wait for her to come to you." So if she comes for a hug its fine, but I am not to approach her for hugs.
I did explain about the addiction and the affair. He said the same thing, but added “You should prepare in case the decision is not in your favor. It could happen. She may be in love with this other guy.”
She has been seeing the same doctor for both medications. She goes back in ten days. I believe at that time he may be ready to either start some therapy, or send her to a therapist. I’m unsure if he will do the therapy himself.
In limited conversations with her I got the impression that she thinks the game is not the problem. Like it is normal to sneakily spend over $1000, and spend 12 or more hours a day playing. Maybe she has been more honest with him than she has been with me.
Me:43, WW:45 2 Kids: 21,22 Married: 23 Years Bomb: 01/2015 Separate Bedrooms: 02/2015 She left: 03/2015
It's not unusual she wouldn't see it as a problem.
Did your therapist give you some direction about what to do to get "you" back on a healthy road?
I agree to a point about what he said about her. But that's not to say you have to act like a old dog that has no life and just waits to see what she does with you.
I give you credit for coming here and seeking help.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I did spend the first week acting like an old dog, just waiting around. After I found this site I started making some changes. I'm getting out more, and definitely getting more exercise. I went biking for the first time in years. I remembered Rule 14 and invited her. When she declined it was hard to leave her home and go by myself but I did it. It was great to be out of the house. Otherwise I would have sat around while she used her tablet.
The main issues I am working on with my therapist right now are the depression and self-esteem. The two problems seem very closely related. After that I plan to bring up being more assertive and social anxiety.
Me:43, WW:45 2 Kids: 21,22 Married: 23 Years Bomb: 01/2015 Separate Bedrooms: 02/2015 She left: 03/2015
