Part 11 - contents may be different than

[Ggrass]

Well the bottle is see through, you may now make your own jokes

I was thinking more from the point of view that once the light house is installed no room in the bottle for a ship that's sailed far off!

[edz]

A very good point, I shall have to ponder...

So w just tagged me on fb for some home education info then emailed me a Ted talk on couple who used tech in home educating their sons. It's about how they unschooled (lowered rigidity) and how it helped.

Nice to be brought in more. I dont know (or expect) it has any undertones of anything bar s but w has been flying solo with that so long it makes me smile to be thought of as being ready to get involved in *her* eyes not to mention the option to get more involved with s.

Article did make me sad in a way as it's clear the way the couple are working is what we originally discussed and what, at least this me, would want us to do.

Ahh well take the positive edz, take the positives...

[edz]

Well time to get going as have to be in the office early to get this laptop sorted (grrr again) nothing from w after email on s home education last night but then didn't expect any.

Still feel melancholic today. Almost pensive of something but no idea what. Certainly not w running back in slow motion as an orchestra strikes up so no clue what my subconscious is playing at.

Ho hum .. will just focus on the mundane. Work today home made curry tonight. Nothing gal planned today but gym starts tomorrow.

Right really must get a move on. Probably not many check ins today as its a busy schedule plus driving in and back, will see how we all are tonight.

[gan]

Yes! Exactly that. I've been wandering around the past couple of weeks feeling like that. At times I've been like - what is that? what is that? I just can't pin down what this feeling is.

[LisaB]

I think 7-8 months might be one of those difficult time points when we really start to question where this is going. I kind of committed myself to 6 months and now I'm stretching beyond that. Feels kind of like I've entered the abyss.

That's exactly how I am feeling. I guess somehow I thought this can't last beyond 6 months, something would have changed. I would have met someone new or he would be back. But here we are still in the same crappy place. At least I am.

What can we do?

[Sotto]

Another 6/7 monther here.....

I think we may be at that tired place one gets to when running marathons (not that I have done that by the way, just acting on hearsay!)

It's probably time for us to just 'dig in' and keep on going.

[edz]

Quick check in at "lunch" - no dont take one but Im busy on something else so can take 5.

I think you mean "The Wall" Toots, and no I havent done one either. You may well be right. Think its also a point at which (I at least) am wondering OK I still want this marriage but does w? Shes shown signs of being warmer to me but is that just her accepting my 180s as real but not really making any difference (to her decision or feelings).

Of course then I catch myself and stop mind reading but its tempting to just say ok, Im done lets get moving forward with healing then move on. Problem is I dont want to yet. Im not done clearly or I wouldnt care about what she thinks. Im not the codependent mess I was but I also dont want to jettison my marriage and accept its divorce time. An odd halfway point you're right.

Of course, if W did say ok its done, over, kaput stop waiting would that make any difference or would I just consider that it could still change, suppose its an introspective question, at what point do I say ok time to give up on this.

Im happy my moving on (outside of dropping the m) is going much better. Im healthier, thinner, mentally much better and no longer depending on others to make me happy *but* I want to be this person and have a new relationship to w in our marriage, problem is thats not a decision I get to make.

Mmmmm, as you say time to dig in for a while and see what happens.

Laptop is being replaced this afternoon after the desk support guys confirmed they cant fix it as its too old so fun few days coming up with missing software and connectivity - yay nevermind though nearly the weekend!

[jim0987]

Well hopefully they can get you a replacement pretty quickly. At least you can still use your tablet to update with edz culinary adventures.

I know I'm only a 5 monther and only 2 weeks into actual separation but as you know I'm in that introspective frame about 'moving on' as well (I think its contagious and I caught it from you guys)

My W has been unequivocal, with no room for doubt, in some ways that makes things easier on me than I expect it would be for you.

In your situation edz there is a lot of warmth and positivity but not the movement, which must be tough but shows how well you are doing and how much you've grown.

As for healing I think you need to do that regardless, if we don't heal these wounds they will stay a sore point which may harm any future relationship with W or someone else

For me personnally though I think there's a difference between giving up and not waiting. I know some would disagree with that but I would also say there is a difference between not waiting and looking for an escape/distraction to numb the pain.

[edz]

Hi Jim

Just the work laptop, my stuff is separate. Its been replaced if not completely configured back in the office tomorrow no biggie as I try and go in a few times a week for the social aspect as I'm naturally inclined to become a hermit otherwise!

I would never say any of us has it easier mate, some have simpler situations than others but not easier. I get what you mean though. Yes the idea of w being "warmer" or at least not-not wanting anything to do with me is an improvement but as I said I dont know if that means she's accepting that its not an act but no movement otherwise. When we slid into any aspect of r talking at the weekend w would either just go quiet (even if she raised it) or on that one occasion look to me to comfort her that I wouldn't cut her off if we parted (restated my boundary dont want this dont want our marriage to end but if thats where we go I will friendly coparent but as we are now no that can't happen) apart from the emails etc I've mentioned nothing else so no demonstration of any change. Doesn't mean she's not thinking it over I suppose but I can't go down that rabbit hole!

No not easy. Does make me think should I look for someone to have coffee with etc (with apologies to gg of course ) but I worry if I let that genie out what would happen soooo no for now waiting.

Waiting..

Waiting....

[edz]

Was in a rush this morning so forgot to check the chicken was in the fridge, was in the freezer so its fish and (oven) chips tonight instead...doh!