And during a conversation we were talking about communication. I admitted that I preferred not to hear from him at all. That I didn't like it and wanted to be left alone. He was so surprised by this.
By this I mean we were talking about our communication (or lack there of) during the summer/fall months. Even though I went a few months without actually speaking to him, and hardly responded to any of his communication- he was surprised! Clueless.
Mighty, I'm so sorry you are having a time of it. The best thing to do is to leave him to his mess. You can't rescue him and you can talk to him about the relationship and how you feel until the cows come home. He's saying the right words, but his actions are saying something else. He can't have his cake and eat it too.
If you told him not to step into your house, then you will need to stick to that boundary. Whatever boundaries you make, stick to them and no changing them up just because you become a softie because of something he tells you.
He's torn between two lives. He's not going to make a decision about which one because he confused and stressed. He doesn't know which life he wants, but he's got to make a decision and the best way for him to do that is one of you needs to step outside the boxing ring and let him figure it out. Mighty, step outside the ring and give him all of the time and space he needs to figure things out.
Don't be angry w/yourself or him. Both of you are in a whirlwind and I have seen this happen to others. They say they want to reconcile and then it becomes a waiting game for this or that. Why? Because if Plan A (ow) doesn't work out, they know that Plan B (you) will be there for them. I'm not saying this is what is going on w/your xh, but many of them do this. If he truly wanted to reconcile and actually work on the relationship w/you, he would be doing it. Sure, he could visit the baby and accept responsibility for the child, but that doesn't mean spending the night over there or jumping when she says how high. Your man is still a teenager and hasn't quite figured out that he needs to make some mature decisions.
As for the cold sore, he's looking for sympathy and wants you to say something to make him feel better. I wouldn't acknowledge the cold sore. He's a big boy and the cold sore will go away when it's ready. You do realize that it may have come about due to stress? He's trying to get your attention and the only way to do it is to tell you he's not going to D13's game and that is the silliest thing to stay way because of a cold sore. Poor thing, vanity runs deep.
Any way, please take care of yourself. You will be okay once you get your balance back.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thanks, job. I agree with you. If he wanted to work it out, he would be working to do so. I don't know what the heck he wants from me- and I don't think he does either. Security would be my best guess.
But, he has been playing that card over there far too long. And now, being taken to another level- again. I will definitely stick to that boundary.
We already talked about his cold sore and that it is from stress. I was thinking more along the lines of him giving that as an excuse to go to hww's instead of d13's game. Like he missed the last one.
Here we go again. Not me. I have a much better idea of what I'm working with. I still hate it, I am sick of it, but I guess I know the drill. Well.... I'm a slow learner. Of course MY sitch is different, right? Not.
Thanks, job- and everyone who posted to me earlier, too. Man, you guys have seen me through it!
Mighty, Right now, he's just not baked and no one knows what he is thinking and what he's going to do. In fact, he doesn't know himself. He's a really confused individual who feels cornered and knows that he's got some difficult decisions to make. It's sad when you think about it...he had a really nice life and then it was blown to bits and now other things have been tossed into the mix. I do hope that one day, he'll settle down and make the right decision as to what he wants to do w/the rest of his life and who he wants to share it with.
Mighty, we are all family and that's what family does...support each other. We are here for you and your family 24/7.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Oh sweetie, I'm sorry. I wish I could say I'm surprised by his actions, but, the truth is, I'm not.
He wasnt done, M. He was scared. Very scared. He came back to what was familiar, what he knows.
You being you, wanted to help him. The thing of it is, that you cant. You really cant. There are no magic words and no actions you can take that is going to change the fact that he is still in crisis.
He is going to do more damage before this is all done, M. How much you allow is up to you.
As long as you are invested as you are right now, its going to be alot.
You are allowing his words and actions to affect yours. You let him push you off your path.
He isnt capable of more than what he is doing right now. That isnt a free pass because he has to own his actions. Its just the way it is.
I see you trying to make boundaries. The thing about them is they have to be for you. They cannot be punitive. YOu cannot waiver. If you do, he will cross them again and again. When you make one, you have to be sure you are willing to die on that hill.
If it were me, the coming in for coffee, making himself at home and sleeping over would need to stop.
Your children are old enough to arrange time with him. He dosent need to go through you for any of that.
You need to take care of you right now, M. You are the only one who could do that.
You trying to figure out why he is back with her and what he is doing is going to make you crazy because it doesnt matter why. It really doesnt.
He is deep in the tunnel spinning away and you are letting him take you with him.
Dont. You have all the power here. You get to decide how you are going to act. You get to decide what you will allow and what you wont. You get to figure out what you need in order to be whole and at peace.
It's time to really and truly let him go. That means you allow him to live his life and his choices and you do the same. It means that he has to figure out his mess on his own without any input or help from you.
Leave him to blow in the wind right now, M. You take care of you.
Hi mighty, So sorry to here what is going down. Believe me I also just want to shake my stbxw often! I hate to say it but I did try and warn you this was a big possibility. In fact, I'm not surprised by it. You knew better than to pursue, hww never stopped. He may say how much he "hates" it but he's actually addicted to it! It makes him feel wanted and like he isn't the a$$hole he deep inside knows he is.
When he was with hww he felt the "pressure" so ran from it. He ran to the familiar, you and family he has hurt so badly. Then of course he started to feel the pressure there and what did he do? Ran back to hww. You are not damaged HE IS! Stop thinking anything he says matters because you can't believe a word.
At least you know now he isn't close to ready to have any kind of healthy r with anyone. Hang in there. You will be fine and know what you need to do.
uR- you are right. I can move back to the place I was in October. That's were I need to be now. I had to set a boundary in the fall for xh to stay out of my house. He would come in when I wasn't home- NEVER near my house when I was home. That's just a boundary I had to set. He didn't come near after nuke, but he did once in like August or September. No, buddy.
And, for the record, he really hasn't stayed at my house. Once for sure, maybe twice? He has been staying at hww's. Nothing I can do about that.
He is totally capable of making arrangement with the kids. I'm out. I could go through the check list of things- out, out, out.
But, I am back. Backwards. Again. And I know I wont sleep. Wont eat. Ugh. You know. I am mentally stronger than I was. I mean, I know I will regroup much faster. But, my body is taking a beating. I feel it all inside.
Crap. I feel so weak compared to others here. People pick themselves up so much better. This is like eternal torture. Am I making this worse than it is?
Hey Matt. Thanks. You are right. And he is so broken right now. He has a very long way to go. In the meantime... I will get back on my horse. Back on my path. You know... travel down...The Road Not Taken (poetry to fit my entire life!). He is running, and running, and running... HEY! He's Forest Gump!
Quote from xh... using Tom Hanks's voice.
Quote:
That day, for no particular reason, I decided to go for a little run. So I ran to the end of the road. And when I got there, I thought maybe I'd run to the end of town. And when I got there, I thought maybe I'd just run across Greenbow County. And I figured, since I run this far, maybe I'd just run across the great state of Alabama. And that's what I did. I ran clear across Alabama. For no particular reason I just kept on going. I ran clear to the ocean. And when I got there, I figured, since I'd gone this far, I might as well turn around, just keep on going. When I got to another ocean, I figured, since I'd gone this far, I might as well just turn back, keep right on going.
Crap. I feel so weak compared to others here. People pick themselves up so much better. This is like eternal torture. Am I making this worse than it is?
Ummm....Mighty? Reality check? Your husband didn't just have an affair. He had an affair, lied to you about it while letting you think you were working on the marriage, got her knocked up, divorced you, bought a new house with her, neglected your children, came back and told you EVERYTHING you wanted to hear and then acted on NONE of it, had his child with HWW and is now sleeping with her again and was too lame to tell you, and is now neglecting your kids again.
WHAT part of this makes you think other people have it worse??? Really??? I dare you to find 5 stories here that are worse. You got walloped with the whole enchilada moving very fast, and then walloped again. Mopst of us get a little more notice, or it moves a little slower so we have more time to adjust.
I think you're doing just fine given the circumstances. I'm going to give you my mantra, the one that got me through when my ex finally left (after his affair, our reconciliation, and him leaving several years later after a repeat crisis) - LET GO OR BE DRAGGED.
Once I let go, my hair stopped falling out, I slept better, my life got better, gorgeous sexy men started falling into my lap, my finances improved.
Your life WILL GET BETTER - in fact, at some point you're going to be shaking your head that you ever let yourself get so sucked into this telenovela. Just let go. Make yourself a storyboard collage of all the great things yopu wish for in your life and start focusing on that fabulous future - it will be here soon!
Um, Mighty, what KML said. I am surprised you arent in a hospital. I mean, really, thats a whole lotta cr@p right there.
I dont want this for you. I dont want you sick and not sleeping. The worst has happened, right?
The thing is that you allowed yourself some expectations. I get why you did. He was saying and doing what you longed to hear. So much so that you werent really concentrating on what you werent hearing from him. Not really.
But all of that doesnt matter. What matters is you. What matters is that you know how strong you are. You made it through all of that stuff.
So, you lost your way a bit. It has happened to all of us. Our hearts sometimes lead instead of our head or our gut.
You know what you know now. The details really arent important. The only thing you need to know is that he isnt done yet and that he isnt going to be truthful.
With that knowledge, you can reset your path. Find your center, M. Hold on tight.
You are going to be ok no matter what happens. Better than ok.
The sooner you get to acceptance, the sooner you do what you need to do.
