Card29 X - Let It Be

[gan]

Had to laugh at your previous post, Card.

Earlier today I talked back to a policeman for having a go at me for J walking (he was doing it in a very passive aggressive way, saying "Just over here, waiting for the light to change, just waiting" over and over). I walked on and ignored it but then felt the need to tell him I was ignoring him.... What the?! My head eventually caught up and I scolded myself for not being very mindful. Then I laughed at the whole thing!

Glad to hear you are doing well (aside from those lapses in mindfulness).

[Card29]

One of the biggest things I've learned through this ordeal is that recognizing your emotions in a timely fashion is a skill in itself, and it's probably at the top of my 180 list, now.

[gan]

Oh I totally agree!!! I've just started on the Anxiety pack in Headspace and there's a technique for doing just that. When we are distracted we simply note whether it is a feeling or thought then return calmly to the breath. I've found it a good technique to apply at work or wherever. Really helps with recognising distractions for what they are.

[Card29]

Had the best sushi of my life tonight. Ate way too much of it, too.

[Card29]

Been a few days. Went on a great guys-only ski trip to Snowshoe, WV. Beautiful, decent weather and conditions. Missed D2 late in the trip, though. Zero cell phone coverage or wifi, which was a relief. It allowed me to dodge a work disaster that probably would have required me to work for a couple of hours Saturday if I'd been aware. I'm not sad that I missed it.

I am sad today, though, because we found someone to take one of our dogs. Two was just too much, especially the little rascal we're letting go of. We both love her but she has too much energy and we don't have enough time for her, especially when one of us has both of the dogs and D2. It wasn't fair to her, really, to stay with us. She will be much happier with her new home. It is her original foster mom, who fell in love with her just before we adopted her a year and 1/2 ago. She was thrilled to have the pup offered back to her. She is retired and basically has a family of dogs (4-5 of them). Our dog will get all of the attention she can handle now. So we're really happy about that, but it's still hard to let go. WAW has been texting me pictures of our 2 dogs curled up on their bed, basically spooning each other. Not helping!

[Mozza]

Thanks a lot for the update, Card29. I'm always happy to see your name pop up in the updated threads. Anything going on, even in your head, on the dating front?

[Card29]

In my head, yes, but not making any advances. I stopped trying to meet up with sis's friend for now. When I started thinking about her and her previous R from a DB perspective, I figured she was already dating someone, that she basically left her ex for another guy. I confirmed with my sister today that she has been dating a guy for a "few weeks". It's a load off my mind, really. Now I know she's not even available at the moment, so no more wondering or trying to fight off temptations to ask her out per the advice of uR and others. Also, if I really want to find a long term relationship someday, dating someone a couple weeks after a long-term R break-up is not the way to start it. So if it's going to happen someday with her, maybe she needs this R. Whatever it leads to, I know that if it was me dating her right now, odds are it wouldn't have lasted. My sister still wants us to be together someday, so I'm sure she'll let me know if she's available down the road. I'm moving on now, though.

Other than that, nothing. My FB profile still says "Married" and we haven't even filed for D yet. No D talks since December. I'm not asking anyone out until we are at least officially going down that route. If I get to the point where I really want to start going on dates, maybe that's the point where I move things forward with WAW? But I'm not there yet. Here is my plate for the next 1-2 months, no room on it for a girl:

- Continue to train and learn in my new job
- About to mourn the loss (to another loving home, at least) of one of my pups
- Find an apartment and move into it
- Continue rehabing a wrist injury as well as a heel injury
- Make several repairs at my mom's house before I move out
- Get back to my 180 list, truly for my benefit. I thought I was over porn completely but had a backslide after I stopped with my anti-porn program a few weeks ago. I don't want that to become a habit again so it's time to recommit with the realization that I am probably at least a year if not 2 years away from not needing a constant commitment.

180 success report: My NMMNG campaign has been progressing. I'm starting to decipher my feelings and desires more timely, allowing me to react the way I want to react. I'm no longer obsessed about what women think about it, a common MNG characteristic . As an example, I used to visit D2 (at the time, D1) at daycare and I'd want to play with her in front of women working at the daycare so they would think I was a good dad. Pathetic, right? I still love visiting her, but now I don't care who knows I'm there. I'm not really doing anything differently with her, I still play with her wherever her and I feel like, I just don't care who is looking. Just a change within myself.

[Mozza]

Aouch, in my (our?) position, it's hard to have sympathy knowing that sis' friend left her ex for another man. I see patterns everywhere now... Are you engaging other women, if only chatting them up in random places? It was interesting the impact this woman had on you, so I'm wondering if just flirting and getting a response elsewhere could help your thinking about your sitch. My IC thinks that intensity of my reaction to the S is linked to my lack of confidence that I can find someone else as good, so he's pleased that I'm at least trying to get a response from girls I find interesting. It worked once and it did have an impact.

I had forgotten that you were not D'ed. It's interesting that there are no more talks about this, though it's good to avoid reading into it. My WAW brought up the D paperwork then easily accepted when I asked her to delay. I try not to read into it...

Thanks for reporting openly about porn. I wanted to tell you that it made me look at my own habits and what impact it had on my M and my life. I don't think it was a cause of the S, but it probably had a more negative impact than I had realized. It's something that I'm improving already and that I would like to improve in a future R. So you're helping others with your openness.

I'm also reading NMMNG so your progress is also interesting. It's good to see that so many of us are becoming better through this awful experience. Keep at it.

[Card29]

Thanks for updating me on you, Moz. I've been a bad friend! Haha

I don't know if sis's friend actually left her ex for another guy, it's just my hunch given what I've learned and observed over the last 8 months. The only way her story veers from the normal WAW script is that she wasn't married, and she had been pressing the issue with her ex for 2 years that she wanted to get married, that she would eventually leave if he didn't propose. At least that's the story I heard from my sis, who is rooting for "us". I'm sure there are two sides to the tale. And I'm sure her friend will have some doubt, withdrawals, and miss her ex at some point. I guess I'm thankful I'm not with her when that happens. I don't think she's a bad person just as I don't think my WAW is a bad person. My mild EA 2 years ago taught me that anyone is capable of an A. If things went differently with that woman (she moved out of state), who knows, it could have progressed to a fullblown PA, with me as a WAH. Maybe Mrs. Card29 would have been on DB.com instead!

Other girls? Not really. On the guy's ski trip, we talked a big game about flirting with girls and ended up getting drunk in our condo most nights. It was fun, anyway! Besides, if you were serious about trying to meet a girl (I wasn't) it was slim pickings up on the mountain at night. Every bar was 95/5 ratio of guys to girls, and the girls were typically with a guy.

I have agreed to flirt with a local "rockstar", a woman in an up-and-coming band from our town. My ex-boss kind of knows her and has been encouraging me to go to her favorite hangout and flirt with her before they go on tour this spring. I am actually planning on doing it, but without any intention or expectation of anything happening, just to give my friend the satisfaction. He's married and this girl is openly his "celebrity crush". She is way out of my league (fame more than looks). I figure if I can attempt to flirt with her, why would I be nervous about anyone else??

Like I said, I don't plan on actually pursuing a real date until things are officially moving forward with WAW. Right now my feelings about WAW are still ILYBNILWY, but I'm more open to the idea of working on it with her IF she expressed genuine interest. I'm not going to pursue her anymore. And if the limbo continues for a while, at some point in going to kick the ball downhill myself.

Regarding porn, I'm studying now more from an addiction standpoint than I had before. I never thought it was an actual addiction as I thought hardcore drugs and excessive alcohol deserved that title. But it is really an addiction in everyway. Recovery styles and paths are similar, and the threat of a relapse lasts just as long as a drug relapse. Maybe it's not as damaging to my life as heroin would be, but it is still damaging and deserves no place in my life. One encouraging thing I've read from a porn recovery expert is that a short relapse doesn't erase progress you've made. Of course that's not meant to give you a license to sample it now and again.

[uRworthy]

Well, Freddy...look at you. . I like the way you sound, my friend. Some big, big things there. Good on you.

Feels good, right? To be in control of your life.

I'm thinking you dont have to worry much about finding someone else one day if that is your choice.

For now, just keep working on you.