Part 11 - contents may be different than

[jim0987]

I think eastern australia is 11 hours ahead of us (in which case Ggrass you should be in bed as its past your 11 o'clock limit)

I perhaps wasnt clear when I talked about dating (I know you're not looking to date at the moment).

It comes back to what DR says about having small goals. I sometimes get the impression that we should be holding right back until they say something to the effect of 'Oh god i've made a terrible mistake please let us be married again' but i'm not sure how realistic that is in some of our situations, especially if there isnt OM/OW. Also if that is our expectation (never good to have i'm learning) then maybe we are setting the bar to high.

There is a difference between boundaries and hurdles.

Right now your W is spending good time with you and S and thats good but maybe you want to start thinking about the small incremental goals for you (the 'thing' might make a difference)

So I mean the hundred or so steps that come before you 'date' your wife which comes a hundred or so steps before reconcilliation. All the way through withour expectation, knowing that you cant control what she wants, and ensuring your boundaries are solid.

But yes if you do start dating then take it slow.....

Not that I can't really comment on any of this as I've never dated in any form (now that is quite a daunting prospect but at least its new)

[edz]

Ah I see Jim you meant "dating" w not starting off in the dating pool (or at least the option of either). I see yes you're right. I see I need to read some chapters again soon.

Yes w is definitely not ready for that right now, obviously only she knows if she will be. The "thing" has the potential to mean never apart from friends and obviously (immediately) thats not something I could do and move on, I'd be stuck in amber "wishin' and hopin'" so to speak that it would change again. That sounds like a very easy way to find my life ticking by and thats without her moving on to someone new in the meantime which Im not sure I could handle if we were close friends still.

I like the idea of "rungs on the ladder" I'll put some more thought to that.

Still, not at that point - yet, as you say we do have some very good interactions since our bd was 6 going into 7 months ago and the good book(s) say one month per year together (15~16).

Dating is not something I've ever enjoyed in the past but since I was 28 when I met w and was still very shy and introverted (moved on since then - well, a little) my experiences before then hadnt been the most fun. I dont know now obviously, as with everyone on here, hadn't really planned on it being a necssary life skill

[jim0987]

Really struggling to get past the idea that your wife is joining a convent.

your doing good stuff so keep on with what your doing, but give some thought to the idea of next steps.

Have you seen the castle and picnic metaphor (i think HP's thread has it) - can you make your picnic just a little bit more inviting?

[edz]

Hi Jim

no such luck on the convent, could probably work with that (that sounds *so* wrong).

Next steps, mm, right now just letting her have space and warm validation and support and demonstrating 180s and relationship with s. tricky since the primary other issue was my codependency in our m its tricky to "do" anything without appearing to pursue. I think if I show Im no longer so insular and more outgoing that will help which is what i'm doing with s and w. Moving on from there is where I start to hit a speed bump.

Right now (unless "the thing" blows it all apart) the space and then warm validation and "family" time together seems the best way forward but I'll welcome suggestions on my sitch obviously.

I'll have a look on Hp's thread this evening as well.

Thanks Jim.

[jim0987]

no longer so insular = GAL

[edz]

Yes indeedy.

Since it ties in with this and I know toots and V were also asking this is the rough outline of Gal for the next few months

Ongoing
Swimming wed / sun (sun not so often now as I have s and we do other activites although he does come along sometimes)

New
Investigating Gyms this week will start twice a week, treadmill, resistance exercises aimed at tightening wobbly bits from weight loss

Skills & Learning
Oh dear Im not doing so well here

* Guitar - struck out full
* Photography - initial cancelled, one off in feb full
* Cookery - cancelled (one off cupcake event though...mmm waistline)

Currently looking at the council volunteering page seeing if anythings available that i can help with there.

[edz]

So not much going on this evening. W has been in touch a couple of times nothing relating to yesterday which is not in any way suprising. Just a few bits about S's schedule.

As I said no expectations either from yesterday or in general.

Reasonably good mood but its flipping cold tonight so may well be a hot bath and a book in a little bit.

[edz]

So it seems I have a new favourite quote which covers my thoughts on dB

“Inside my empty bottle I was constructing a lighthouse while all others were making ships.”
Charles Simic

[edz]

Chilly one here this morning, Snowed in the night which was a suprise. Actually found out as I had a FB alert that w had posted this morning about it.

Not a great deal going on this end today, was going to dads to get chairs but he has yet to wrangle them from the attic so will be later in the week. Will spend the time looking at gym stuff instead as I'd like to get that started this week.

Weight seems to be getting back under control after christmas with me back on course for 38/33 trousers in the next month or so which will be great and much closer to goal (36 1/2 which I was in when I met w - with my frame thats about as low as doesnt look ill and im barrel chested anyway)

And its snowing again with a heart warming -4 out there, yes I know those of you in -25c with 5 foot of snow are thinking "aaaanndd?" well, hurumph...

[edz]

Going dark, cold and snowing now. Feeling v hungry as well which Im guessing is the fact yesterdays dinner was pizza, body clearly went nuts for the carbs and now wants more. Prodding the wobbly bits in a reminder for it to behave itself.

Will finish the other half of it tonight then onto some more protein heavy meals for the rest of the week (although its more swimming tomorrow so wont be so bad probably).

Could also do without the absolute email deluge of reminders I've had that valentines day is coming up. Theres a dilemma to send a basic card/flower or not - mmmm. Put that one aside for now.

Heydeho lights on, music on and get through the rest of these emails and queries for the day!