Maybell XXVIII Living In the Moment

[Dawn70]

Maybell, you mentioned a few comments back that you are not sure why people have such a high opinion of you around here, but I can tell you, from my point of view, that you are someone that I really look up to because you seem to really exude strength and confidence. I follow your posts and know that you have down times and stressful times (as everyone does), but you seem to handle it with a grace and style that I HOPE to find at some point in the near future.

Like you, I tried to go on as normal about my sitch and it was HARD. It is only recently that I can use the D word without breaking down or refer aloud to my xh as my Xh. You just seem to have it together and that is why people think highly of you. You (among some of the others on this board) are a great example of how to handle yourself and how to move on with your life.

[Maybell]

Thank you, Dawn, that was really validating.

Opened my morning with a laugh when I read my horoscope:

Aries: Week of Feb 1, 2015
This is an ideal time to sneak away to a private hideaway with your romantic partner. If you're single, you may meet someone special at a house of worship, spiritual retreat or charitable fundraiser. Be sure to attend a party, since you'll be the center of attention. An opportunity to take a business trip could fall into your lap; this will be a great time to sign a prominent client.

[Ggrass]

Wow, that covers most bases!

I seem to have all the blokes looking my way, I've been working a few seems this week I should get pay off then if the stars are right!

Nope not hold me breath.

[Maybell]

Attorney appointment tomorrow morning. I'm getting the party started. And even though I'm absolutely certain that I can not go back to my STBX cheating fool, I'm still kind of dreading it. There is no glee. I'll be relieved to move on, but that doesn't mean this all doesn't sting. He was a pretty lame husband, but I still care about him. Maybe stupidly, but there you go. Nineteen years leaves a mark.

I had a loooong coffee date with church fella today. It was nice. He seems nice. I like him and it was enjoyable to meet someone new. I don't know if these interactions will amount to anything but he was easy to spend time with. He called me radiant and poised and complimented me on what I had to say in Sunday school. STBX used to say I was sharp, but he never complimented my appearance, nor was he specific in the sort of way that made me feel seen. I don't think he wanted to be married when he married me. I think he just wanted to be together. Maybe we rushed things. Or maybe we were too young. I don't know. I shouldn't be comparing and I hope I don't hurt this guy. I need to proceed with caution. It will be three weeks before we have the opportunity to spend time together again (owing to my schedule with the kids and the fact he lives an hour away) which is likely a good thing.

I wish I could explain how I'm feeling. I dread the attorney appointment for making things more real. I resent STBX for dumping this on me (though it gives me a greater amount of leverage in getting what I want, so I'm not complaining) and I resent him for making the choices that destroyed our family this way when things could have been so different. And I'm sad to be closing this door myself. I will be so relieved when it's done.

Oh, and STBX won't be taking the kids any week nights this week, because he supposedly has dinner meetings every single night this week. Who CHOOSES to not leave even one evening free for his kids? He prioritized work ever family every time. Also, I was going through the expenses in preparation for this meeting because I found NO food or gas charges of his going through any of our accounts in three months. Except one gas charge, at a station not near any of the places he has a reason to be (residential section of town) and three restaurant charges at restaurants I know that were unusual amounts for those places. So I suspect one of the work dinners keeping him away from the kids is a date.

[Calibri]

Maybell,

My dad didn't choose to see me any more than the custody agreement allotted (which was, from my understanding, anytime he wanted as long as he got his ass in a car and drove and it was ok with my mom, plus a week in the summer and the week after Christmas). And even then, he just wasn't "in it."

Heck, I'm "grown" and I haven't seen my dad since 2011. No suggestion from him for us to get together. I imagine the next time we will see each other is at his fathers (my grandfathers funeral). After that, I doubt our paths will cross.

Some people just have different priorities, I suppose.

Will be thinking of you tomorrow. I admire your strength.

[Maybell]

Met with the lawyer this morning. He's the right guy. In many ways I feel much better.

However, it did reawaken some anxiety. Someone out there might have some input on this.

I explained what I understand of my STBX. The attorney asked what I thought the three worst things STBX would say about me. The relationship with my D11 immediately came to mind... and then I drew a blank. I said, well, I get tense and anxious when we're planning moves, and he didn't like that (then explained how frequently we move). He asked about STBX's job history and said he felt like he needed to make sure kids and I were very well provided for because STBX is demonstrating unreliability.

And now that I've written that I am remembering that several years ago I had a dream about that exact scene. And I told him about it the next morning and we laughed.

I really DO NOT understand what was so intolerable about me. The attorney (who is GREAT) kept shaking his head and saying it was a shame, that STBX seems to be on a path of self-destruction and that he was an odd duck. That he has a lot to be embarrassed about and that since that was the case we probably could wrap things up fairly quickly. Thankfully. He gave me all the same compliments I get here, praised my introspection (this L asked some GREAT questions) and gave me strong warnings to keep "pure as the driven snow" till we got everything signed. Shook his head over STBX's choice in living arrangements and said how bad that would look to a judge. Legally, this is all very reassuring.

But I don't understand why my family has been ripped apart this way. Is that unreasonable? Will I ever understand it? Am I so horrible? Does it matter?

L was so adamant that STBX is not behaving rationally that it made me wonder if there really is something intolerable in our relationship that I was not aware of that I should have been doing (besides, maybe, more sex? Because I didn't do a lot of initiating because I was so dang tired all the time, and I felt lonely, and, and and).

I'll probably never know.

[claire7]

Maybe the answer is that there is nothing you could have done...that he has his own issues which he will carry with him into his next relationship.

Maybell, I think about this question a lot myself. If only *I* had done or been different, maybe I wouldn't be here now.

But let me also say that I have friends who have had (or are going through) similar problems in their marriages. The difference is that their spouse did not walk out on them one afternoon while their child was napping.

I guess what i am trying to say is, it's not just about us.

What I am trying to take away from this right now is how can I use this experience to heal the parts of me that led me to marry a man with whom I never felt totally secure. How can I change my sense of what's attractive so that I seek out healthier partners.

I'm glad you got a good vibe from your lawyer. You deserve a superstar in your corner.

[Underdog]

Maybell--I don't need to say anything, because Claire answered your question perfectly.

Your H is likely carrying around baggage that you can't see, or at least see well enough to know. Until he gets rid of this baggage, he's not going to be authentic. End of story. Notice that my commentary did not include anything about Maybell in it? That was intentional.

Leave the naval gazing to the less enlightened. It won't even get you a cup of coffee. Seriously, a waste of time.

BUT, since I do have something relevant to add, I will. Last night, I watched an older "episode" of Joel Osteen on ABC Family. It was about making the most of our time here on earth, for time is the only commodity we cannot buy more of. (I know, I ended a sentence with a preposition... ugh). He went further and talked about consciously letting go of people who don't support us or benefit us, because we can't get back time wasted on those types of people who svck us dry.

So here's a link to a very worthwhile message

Let go of the ashes, Maybell.

Hugs to my Aries friend. No wonder we get along. Did you read our forecast on Susan Miller's site? It's pretty awesome. I'm taking her advice and making plans on the 22nd. That's my D20's 21st birthday, but she's not here. My college is sending someone out to do an alumni outreach, and I'm happily accepting. I'll try to wear something cute and not my yoga pants.

Betsey

[uRworthy]

But I don't understand why my family has been ripped apart this way. Is that unreasonable? Will I ever understand it? Am I so horrible? Does it matter?

Hey M. Is it reasonable to not understand why your marriage was ripped apart in this way?..Ayep..very reasonable.

Will you ever understand it? Probably not because we cant really know what is in another's mind and heart.

Are you so horrible? You know the answer to that.

Does it matter? Which part? That you are questioning whether you are horrible? Yes, that part matters a great deal.

Does it matter that you understand? It would be nice to understand it. Do you need to in order to have a good life? No.

I know, seeing who you are, that trying to make sense of it is important to you because of how you think. I know because I am similar in that regard. Til I accepted that I would never truly understand. I cant because I wouldnt take the same actions. I cant because I am not the same person as he is.

So I eventually let that go. It will happen for you, too.

Here's what I know. That is was important for me to own the things I needed to regarding the breakdown of my marriage. But were they things that warranted his actions? Abso-freakin-lutely not.

However, it was important for my growth to acknowledge the things I could have done differently or better.

I know that there wasnt anything that couldnt have been fixed. There wasnt anything that makes what he did and especially the manner in which he did it, ok.

But I still had to acknowledge his right to his opinions and actions. Even though they werent the actions I would have taken.

I had to acknowledge that in order for him to do what he did, in the ways that he did them, that he was in pain and very broken.

I have changed those things that I agreed with. I have grown in ways I would not have grown had this not happened. I found my worth. I know now I am enough.

I am glad you got a lawyer that gets it. Im glad that he has acknowledged some stuff about your h.

I believe that our spouses are broken people. People who arent, dont behave in the way that they do. They just dont. I think it has way more to do with them than it does us.

So, dont allow what this lawyer has said to make you doubt yourself. As long as you have done the work of looking inside truthfully and honestly, M, you have nothing to be anxious about regarding you.

[Maybell]

Claire, Betsey, UR, thank you very much. It helps to hear the message I know intellectually reinforced in the moment.

I feel a little bit like I'm abandoning a cancer patient. But if someone signs a DNR you have to respect it, however much you want to wish for a different outcome.

The L said that it's one thing to say you want a divorce and another to actually go through with it, and not to be surprised if STBX does a bit of a turnaround at the last minute and tries to stop it all.

I know my STBX fairly well in some ways I think that won't happen. I think he'll be uncomfortable at the time, sigh and kind of say, well, I must endure, and carry on.

In the unlikely event he says "Stop! It was all a mistake!" I'm intending to say: I agree that this is not a desirable outcome. I appreciate that you think this is a mistake. Please show me that you are willing to prioritize my needs and sign the settlement. There is a LOT of mending to be done and if you are sincere in your desire to do that mending then signing this will be a show of good faith, and will give me the security I need while you do the work that needs to be done to heal what's happened in our family."

I realize this isn't the DB answer but I think it saves me from further limbo and sets a healthy and needed boundary.