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M-

My IC believes in MLC but also has posed the question, "What if that is who he is?" --- as time goes on I have to wonder if she has a point. People change or maybe I won't be able to wait it out. Many wise people on these boards say you'll know when you've had enough. {{{hug}}}


M:25 years at BD w/ 2 daughters
BD: 5/14
Separated 6/14 - H moved cross country w/OW
D Final 9/17

“I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it.”
― Maya Angelou



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Not much to update. H spent some time at his place last night before coming home. Said he got a mattress and also brought me home a cat carrier. S and I had already eaten dinner, but I saved him a plate which he was very happy and thankful about.

Kept S home sick again today. H was already gone for an early meeting about his promotion. So I TM him to let him know and see what his day was like, in case he could stay with S so I could go to work. I didn't hear from him until a couple of hours later. He said meeting had just finished, that he had some things to do, but that tomorrow he could cover if needed and to let him know if I absolutely needed him today and he would see what he could do.

We also went briefly over money yesterday morning. I gave him a number and he said ok. He then added that if I felt I was struggling with that number, that we can revisit it. He doesn't want me to rent out a room.

Mr wonderful, right?? I don't know guys. He is being very nice and mature lately, I feel wary and keep waiting to see what is bringing it on. I sometimes feel like S and I are just a business deal to him, something he feels responsible for and almost like he thinks he is being such a great man by taking care of business. It's all business with no emotion.

I find myself counting down to "move out" day. I hope he will be out by Sunday, at least enough to where he can start living there. I am sure he will continue to take stuff over little by little. I feel this upcoming freedom. Like once he is out, I can start healing and move on. It's a mixed feeling of excitement with a dab of fear. Although I have been living my life and moving forward, I sense that it is going to be much better with him out.

I also am hoping this will push him to start doing his own work. So I think, hurry and go!!


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
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I'm glad he's acting like a grownup for now. As long as you aren't rocking his boat and putting pressure on him, he's going to be Mr. Nice Guy. Also, he's moving and right now, he's on cloud nine about that as well as trying to get a promotion.

Once he's moved out completely, he may very well distance himself from you and your son for a while...but there are some that do the exact opposite until you put your foot down. So until he's completely moved out, the jury is still out on what he'll do and how he'll act.

I'm sure you are counting down the days. I would want my freedom too. It's normal to have a bit of fear mixed in w/the excitement. The tension and stress will lessen quite a bit. At least your mind won't be coming up w/all sorts of scenarios about where he is, who he's been with, etc.

It's going to take a while for him to even begin to focus on himself and work the hard work of healing. The first 6 months of actually being on his own and in a new place will put him on a euphoric high. After the newness wears off, that's when things will start to settle down and become routine.

You have been doing so well. I do hope your son feels better soon.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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mleigh4 Offline OP
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Don't worry Job. I am thinking of this move out being long term. I don't expect any big change between us any time soon, if ever.

So H just TM that he got the promotion. He is general foreman of the HVAC company he works for. I TM him back...great news!...congratulations!....

So now for my real feelings. I AM happy for him. However, my initial thoughts went to what used to be. We would normally go out to celebrate something like this, to our favorite local restaurant where they know us. Ya, that's not happening.

I also wonder how he pulled this off, while being so "stressed" as he calls it. I suppose, like Job had said, work has become his drug of choice. Maybe he has put all his energy and focus into work, like his jeep and other home projects.

Well, life is good for H. He must be floating on air. He has his promotion, his new place with all the essentials he has always wanted, he must be flying high

And ya, it hurts because it doesn't include me. His wife. It hurts and I don't feel so happy for him right now. This too shall pass, just venting and feeling.


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 564
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Mleigh- It is very sad and hurtful to think of your spouse living as if he is not married. What I mean is that the idea of we and us is not even on his radar. It just blows and there is no way around it.

You sound strong and focused. Props to you for being able to understand all of this isn't really about you. I say the words but sometimes I think I just take it all personally.

Any weekend plans? Hope your son is feeling better.


M:25 years at BD w/ 2 daughters
BD: 5/14
Separated 6/14 - H moved cross country w/OW
D Final 9/17

“I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it.”
― Maya Angelou



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mleigh4 Offline OP
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Gwen - it took me a year and a half and counting to get here. It still hurts and I still catch myself working to not take it personal. Thank you for your good wishes smile

I think for me, this promotion is one of those moments when you want to experience it together, as a spouse or family. An only happens once moment that you can't get back. The realization of it all being different hits, but I know it will pass. After so many of those moments I figure it must get easier.


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 1,447
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mleigh4 Offline OP
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Home sick again with my little guy and of course now mommy has it! I always tell S, if I could take the sick for you, I would! And sure enough it always seems to happen.

So H stopped by "the house" as he calls it before coming home last night. What the heck does he do every day over there? I have never seen someone take moving so to heart. I say this with a smile, I look at the funny side of this.

Once home, Mr Nice disappears into his room for over an hour. Barely a care to see how S and I are feeling. Once out, he keeps trying to do things for me, which I continue to do on my own. Like, taking the garbage cans out to the curb. I don't want his help right now. For what, to ease his guilt? Ya, I'm stubborn.

He asked if I wanted him to go to the grocery store the next day. I mentioned that he had said, if S is still sick, that he would stay with him so I could go to work. He just stood there and stared at me. Later, he said that things at work had changed since he had said that. His boss planned another meeting in regards to his promotion. I though to myself, how many freaking meetings can you have about this??? Instead, I just said that I have a job too, that I have already taken 2 sick days this week, that he is a parent too, that I have taken on a lot of responsibility lately and that I don't think I am asking much. He just kept saying "I know" and commenting on how S seems fine. This kid has a horrible cough and is all congested up. I just let it go.

This morning we get up, I see H fixed the surround sound on our tv, so that it is easier to use. He just had to do something, while I was asleep and couldn't shoo him away, right!? So we were evaluating S, and no, he can't be in class the way he is. I had already decided that I would just take the day if needed, S needs TLC right now. H kept telling him he is fine, he always bounces back, blah blah I only think of myself..... I told H it's fine, I got it. So then H said he can get off work early so I can go in. I let my boss know, but she just told me not to worry about it.

So get this, H said he had already planned on getting off early today, to get some things done...aka "the house".... and asked if I needed him to do anything. Amazing how work isn't so important when it benefits HIM.

Emotions I am feeling: get out, please. Stop being so fake nice. Go worry about yourself since that is all that matters. I feel some anger creeping in.

Do any of you get the feeling that being a spouse and parent just became too much for them? I feel like times got tough, as they do, and H has just bailed. Bailed on his commitments and responsibilities because he realized that they actually take work and he just couldn't handle it. Could this be something that throws them into MLC mode? Quite annoying.

So gonna enjoy another day filled with lots of snuggling with S and pets. Getting ready for what looks to be an emotional weekend of H moving out. I have faith in myself, to handle this with my chin up, to be the rock in my home.


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,327
Likes: 137
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My, he's a busy bee, isn't he? I had to laugh because it's now "the house". His "former" life is now in a shoe box and up on a shelf. He doesn't want the responsibility of being a parent or h right now. He now considers himself single and that will be his train of thought for a while.

Yes, they sometimes do tend to take time off from work especially if it involves something for him.

I do hope that you and your son feel better soon. Rest as much as you can and drink plenty of fluids.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Originally Posted By: mleigh4

Do any of you get the feeling that being a spouse and parent just became too much for them? I feel like times got tough, as they do, and H has just bailed. Bailed on his commitments and responsibilities because he realized that they actually take work and he just couldn't handle it. Could this be something that throws them into MLC mode? Quite annoying.


My MLCer W told her mom on New Year's Day (when she finally told her mom that we are splitting up) that "2015 is going to be all about me." Her mother was horrified at that comment because my W and I have three young kids together. A few weeks later they went to lunch and her mom confronted her about that statement and my W replied "I just can't parent right now."

So yes, I do think the pressure of all of the responsibilities can contribute to the situation. I do think my W's MLC probably started about 2 years ago (she appears to be in Replay right now), but know for a fact that it was kicked into high gear by her stepmom's death which brought on the issue of mortality and fear of aging. All of the responsibilities -- work, parenting, being a loving spouse -- perhaps just seem too overwhelming to them as they become hyper-focused on themselves? Not sure because I'm not in her head and I've never had my own MLC -- but this is what I am observing in my own home.


Me 48, Her 50
(Same-Sex Couple)
3 Children
Together: 9.5 years before BD
BD: Week of 10/27/14
ExW started EA w OW 9/2014
ExW married OW 12/2015
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mleigh4 Offline OP
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Jer2911, thanks for sharing. One thing I see over and over in every sitch is how self absorbed and selfish they become, it seems it is just part of the process.

I suppose I could waste more of my time trying to figure out the why.... Nah....I've got much better things to do smile

OK I went through the round of emotions over "move out weekend" and I think I'm good. Time to pick myself back up, dust myself off and get recentered and refocused!

The most important thing, S seems to be handling this very well. He mentioned that H had told him he would take him and the dog to his place this weekend, and he sounded a little excited about it.

So time to keep on keepin on. I find I get tired of thinking about it and don't even really want to talk about it. My mom has come a long way with this, but she still does a lot of trying to understand what is happening and why, and I think talking her through it throws me a little off balance. I will need to learn a way to get by that without messing up my balance.

Looks like it is time for a new thread too!


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
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