Strong EA after 2yrs M - trying to detach. #3

[DaddyLongShanks]

If you stopped snooping, how do you "KNOW" it's an EA?

btw, for a woman, an EA is even more meaningful than a PA. Us men do ourselves a disservice when we adopt an "'only' an EA" attitude.


Starsky

Ramp up from EA to PA is very quick. Once it's on their mind they will usually follow thru.

[susana4]

What is the intel you have (if you want to share it here)? That might help us understand the decision better.

If a vet's suggesting you might want to confront then I think you should consider that strongly. I can't remember what you said your green card situation was? If you think it might jeopardise that you might want to make a plan to wait until that's sorted out (can't remember how far in the future it was), or you know it will be sorted out, until confronting your wife.

[Complex]

True. EAs do have a lot of meaning. Some even more than PAs.

I put 1+1 together. I "half snooped" her computer and found the article I mentioned (describing when or if a man is ready to commit, and one that described being ditched and stuff like that, focusing on yourself etc.) plus articles about volunteering abroad. She told me in a grumpy way she and OM aren't talking to each other at all anymore. And there's zero suspection on her schedule.
She also seems stressed about her future, not knowing what she wants to do with her life now.
Ok it's not knowing, but at this point I'd be very surprised. And I think I got an ok distant view on things right now.

[DaddyLongShanks]

True. EAs do have a lot of meaning. Some even more than PAs.

I put 1+1 together. I "half snooped" her computer and found the article I mentioned (describing when or if a man is ready to commit, and one that described being ditched and stuff like that, focusing on yourself etc.) plus articles about volunteering abroad. She told me in a grumpy way she and OM aren't talking to each other at all anymore. And there's zero suspection on her schedule.
She also seems stressed about her future, not knowing what she wants to do with her life now.
Ok it's not knowing, but at this point I'd be very surprised. And I think I got an ok distant view on things right now.

Get more intel. I wouldn't do it every day but grab some at the end of each week in a period of time you have home alone.

She might be done with this OM, because she may have determined he was playing around with her and she doesn't like how it feels.

She obviously must've wanted to commit so she could jump over to that "branch"...

[Complex]

What is the intel you have (if you want to share it here)? That might help us understand the decision better.

If a vet's suggesting you might want to confront then I think you should consider that strongly. I can't remember what you said your green card situation was? If you think it might jeopardise that you might want to make a plan to wait until that's sorted out (can't remember how far in the future it was), or you know it will be sorted out, until confronting your wife.

Ok I need to clarify:
W has an EA, she told me about it at BD. But after that developed it strongly but lying to me that it affects her decision to S from me. Then called it quits so she can justify EA (M over, I'm free again).
She knows I know she and OM have been flirting heavily (snooping 2-3 weeks ago exposed). There was no outside of work contact, confirmed. She also attempted to go out with him for dinner but got turned down. She told me she 'loves' him and should've married him instead. (Tough one).

She does NOT know I read texts between her and her best friend. In which clearly comes out that she seeks to get together with OM, that he doesn't fully know how much in love she is with him but that she wants him to be her boyfriend and him to commit to her. And that people will need to know soon.


If you put it together then: she doesn't want to tell family just yet (it will definitely be a huge disaster). She didn't face ANY consequences so far (that worries me more and more). We are living in the limbo under one roof and each day is disrespectful towards me bc I can only guess what's going on.
Greencard I don't see an issue. She IS a good person and wouldn't do that to me...either way, unless I would freak out, which I won't. I gained some respect back for sure. No focus on GC please. I got this.

I still don't think its time for a "talk"..and I'd rather let her approach me. But the situation/limbo right now is complicated and tricky, on both sides. I don't know really what to do.
I don't want to put pressure on it, or intensify the stress or make W commit to a decision but with everyday passing by I get closer to wanting to clarify our situation (living, responsibilities, family, future planning). But like Starsky said, it'll change things...and I don't know if I'm ready to step up yet

[sandi2]

(When) Is it actually ok to let the spouse know that you actually know way more than they think you do? In my case that means she only knows that I read her and OM text casual flirting. But she doesn't know that I know her whole exit strategy ultimately is to be together with him.

DB coach advice: what's the benefit? What does this do?
I'm actually not sure how to answer this.

If you don't how to answer the coach's question, then I suggest you are not prepared, in the slightest, to confront your WAW. The confrontation itself doesn't accomplish anything when there is nothing else to use. It simply puts her on guard to be sneakier in the future. And why the need to let her know that you know more than she thinks you do. Ego? It is really to your advantage that she isn't aware that you know anything, at the moment.

When or if you do confront her, you'd better understand about boundaries b/c you will certainly get an opportunity for application.

[Complex]

True. EAs do have a lot of meaning. Some even more than PAs.

I put 1+1 together. I "half snooped" her computer and found the article I mentioned (describing when or if a man is ready to commit, and one that described being ditched and stuff like that, focusing on yourself etc.) plus articles about volunteering abroad. She told me in a grumpy way she and OM aren't talking to each other at all anymore. And there's zero suspection on her schedule.
She also seems stressed about her future, not knowing what she wants to do with her life now.
Ok it's not knowing, but at this point I'd be very surprised. And I think I got an ok distant view on things right now.

Get more intel. I wouldn't do it every day but grab some at the end of each week in a period of time you have home alone.

She might be done with this OM, because she may have determined he was playing around with her and she doesn't like how it feels.

She obviously must've wanted to commit so she could jump over to that "branch"...

I can only get more Intel if I have a quiet moment (3-4 minutes) with her phone..which is rare. And only if she didn't start to encrypt her iphone backup, which is a possibility.
Other than that it's gonna get complicated.

[Complex]

(When) Is it actually ok to let the spouse know that you actually know way more than they think you do? In my case that means she only knows that I read her and OM text casual flirting. But she doesn't know that I know her whole exit strategy ultimately is to be together with him.

DB coach advice: what's the benefit? What does this do?
I'm actually not sure how to answer this.

If you don't how to answer the coach's question, then I suggest you are not prepared, in the slightest, to confront your WAW. The confrontation itself doesn't accomplish anything when there is nothing else to use. It simply puts her on guard to be sneakier in the future. And why the need to let her know that you know more than she thinks you do. Ego? It is really to your advantage that she isn't aware that you know anything, at the moment.

When or if you do confront her, you'd better understand about boundaries b/c you will certainly get an opportunity for application.

She is sneaker already since last confrontation.
It's not about the confrontation itself, more about that i don't know for how much longer I can/want to live in the limbo without her having ANY consequences whatsoever.
I do my own thing and GAL but the rest she's completely dictating silently.

[susana4]

Thanks for the backstory, Complex. I understand better now!


It's not about the confrontation itself, more about that i don't know for how much longer I can/want to live in the limbo without her having ANY consequences whatsoever.
So what would 'not living in limbo' mean to you? Would it mean setting a boundary? Your wife moving out? Maybe you've already thought about this, but I think you need to be clear on that before you confront her - you need to know what you hope to gain from the confrontation.

[Complex]

Peace of mind. Stop pretending. Stop living a lie to cover up what she is doing.
But it would feel wrong. I need more patience and more love. I'm extremely depressed today.
And I don't feel like it's going to benefit me. But I'm having a terrible terrible day again today. I just don't want to live like this anymore...I'm crying my ass off writing this. It's so hurtful. I probably shouldn't go to any family invitations anymore. It was ok, I did a good job there but it made me so sad today.

My mom is so heartbroken too. She even thinks if ahe tells my grandparents they will get a heart attack. There are a lot more broken hearts than mine. It is wearing so hard on me. I just gotta stay strong...