Strong EA after 2 yrs M #2 - The journey begins

[zew]

My gut is just telling me HOW REAL this is...not good.

Your gut is wrong. Toots has it right.

Complex, your biggest challenge right now is detaching. Letting go. Realizing that nothing you can say will impact what your W does. But this is what you must do, or you will drive yourself mad.

This is very difficult, the hardest thing to do once an A is discovered. Your fastest recovery and position of greatest impact is a position of calm, peaceful, objective reason, not one of emotional reaction to W's every move.

Sounds impossible, but stop thinking about them and how perfect they are. They are obviously both quite broken. Anytime you start thinking about them, STOP, and then start thinking about what you need to do for you.

[DaddyLongShanks]

Hi Complex

I wouldn't worry too much about how serious the R appears to be. Many people in A's seem to be head over hills in love with each other. They often think they have met their true soul mate etc. But part of this is that the A is based on fantasy (disney love) rather than reality.

Once reality seeps in, the excitement drains away and there's nothing much left, because the R was never built on reliable foundations like a 'normal' R. The stats are that only around 1-3% of A's lead to M, and of those, 75% end in D. Dismal stats if you're having an A. In contrast, around 70% of R's survive A's.

I hope this helps, and try not to worry about how 'serious' it all looks...

A betrayed can speed up that "reality" by pulling all of their financial and emotional support and allow the WAS to fully depend on the AP for that type of support.

[Train]

Complex,

After texting OW obsessively for just a month (after getting to know her over a few months at the grocery store she worked at), my H started professing his undying love to her. He texted her ALL DAY, EVERY DAY - mostly consisting of: "I love you," "I love you so much," "OMG, you're awesome, and I love you so much" - and he even eventually left our M of 10 years and our children to pursue his "unquenchable" love and desire for OW.

From where I sat, they appeared madly in love. And my M appeared finally doomed.

Fast-forward two months: H was back home, completely humiliated. In all our many conversations since he's been home, he talks of how he was never in love with her. He was in love with *how she made him feel about himself.*

DO NOT believe what your eyes see or what your ears hear while your W is in an A.

Believe, instead, what Toots and zew are saying. They're spot on.

[Complex]

Got it. I feel better already. GAL full force. Staying busy.

That is crazy statistics. Makes me feel better. But actually their R HAS a foundation that they are friends for a long time and always like each other a lot but no one ever made a move.

But I don't know how that plays into it. It is just a work based friendship and the life in a R is a completely different ballpark.

The other thing is the love between me and my wife also had no foundation. And it never really built one. That is what we missed out on. Both our faults...we did not make an effort to truly built on our romantic love....call it "we were young, inexperienced"...

[Complex]

Plus the fact that we are only married 2 years. No kids.

[Sotto]

The majority of As start in the workplace. I think it is easy to find someone very attractive at work. Plenty of chances to interact and see people doing things well etc...

But take that into a different context and everything changes - and you are quite right, life in a R with someone is a completely different ballpark. Particularly if they are M already.

I know it's hard (been there!) but try not to worry about what is happening with them right now - we know how this plays out in most cases!

Look after you, and things will slowly fall into place whatever way. Good for you on the GAL front. I'm building up my GAL at the moment. Start a new yoga class this week :-)

[Complex]

Wow. I just found this in my car. My boss & mentor used my car this weekend.
He must've left it for me...

[img]http://s9.postimg.org/lu2fxy7hb/image.jpg[/img]

[Complex]

Thank you Toots.
I hope you'll be fine too. GAL seems easy at first, the hardest part is the endurance we have to bring up I think.
We have to find our OLD SELF again. I wasn't myself anymore. I noticed a long time ago. But there was no way out. First no good R with W, then BD...then downhill from there.

I think I finally found the old ME again. I'm not gonna lie, I know I'll fall back and feel horrible again...it's probably going to be a long process. But I see who I am again - which feels great.

[Complex]

God, my Therapist appointment is NEXT Monday, found out when I got there.
And I went to College earlier to get some counseling regarding courses, and that was closed too due to the Holiday.
Fail fail...oh well I can still go to the gym and meet with friends later^^

I feel bipolar tho. I'm so upbeat then completely down...

[25yearsmlc]

If I were you I'll not discuss green card or citizenship with her anymore. She will use that as bargain chip to get what she want (divorce without consequences for her actions). Not saying your marriage will end but You can always get your permanent residency and citizenship with or without her. All you need is proof of the affair.

I'm Not sure of this at all. How is it relevant to the green card issue? It's not even a grounds for divorce in most states.

(Hey, I'm Just asking.)

Yes. I think I should not make a big deal out of it. But the topic wil come up. She will ask for sure what the status is soon. I'll just tell her I'm taking care of it and that she shouldn't worry!?

Complex, for God's sake, see a lawyer in your state, so you know these answers BEFORE you make a strategy for any of this^^...

Make sense?