Strong EA after 2 yrs M #2 - The journey begins

[Complex]

If I were you I'll not discuss green card or citizenship with her anymore. She will use that as bargain chip to get what she want (divorce without consequences for her actions). Not saying your marriage will end but You can always get your permanent residency and citizenship with or without her. All you need is proof of the affair.

Yes. I think I should not make a big deal out of it. But the topic wil come up. She will ask for sure what the status is soon. I'll just tell her I'm taking care of it and that she shouldn't worry!?
She might feel pressured or think that I want to "stretch" D on purpose by waiting too long until I file for the renewal.

[Complex]

Thank you Lost for your insight on the doctor/nurse R's. I mean it's obvious that Dr's are crazy busy and this is NOT a very desirable family life or R life. But I'm not in control of this. It seems like she likes him for a reason and they are long time friends...but how do you know how a R is going to be before it even starts? That's why I cannot give too much thought into this. It might be the love of her life, it might be a complete flop, or it might be a decent R that ends up in unhappiness AGAIN. After all it's a symptom, not a cause...that's what I learned.

[Complex]

Finished reading DR. I was so positive ader 25years last post. It made me feel good about myself and my plans.

Then I got home. W completely dark on me for 2 days. Bag of oranges on the floor which means she saw her dad^^. But she's already in bed, which is very early for her. So she's going out of my way. Maybe she told him. I hope not, wanted to stretch that a bit in my interest but if so its ok. Nothing I can control.

But after finishing DR I felt rather worse than more motivated haha. I feel like my wife is so far away that I'm actually in the 'after last resort stage' or at least in between the 'last resort' and 'alr' stage. And there isn't much written about the truly hard cases. And my wife assured me many times now that M doesn't exist anymore. Guess I have to face the reality that even for DB standard I'm pretty damn screwed^^

There also isn't a lot mentioned how to deal with family.
I know its going to come up soon. My gut is telling me.
So I'm asking again, what's the standard DB approach to family in law?
(Considering parents are divorced, but fathers side family is HUGE and they all love me and there are a ton of family obligations).
A) how do I deal best with the "coming out"? W decision? Decide together? Boundaries?
B) how much contact to FIL should I have. Right now I don't feel like going NC with them. I love them all a lot but what's a heatlhy balance between staying in touch, what they actually should know or not know and not acting like I want to turn them against W?

Just by reasonable thinking I would approach it like this: "they can know that we have problems and are separated but thry need to let us figure everything out ourselves, but they can be there for us if we need them"!?!?!


After all I feel better about myself and DBing and are confident that I can pull some 180s off this week.

[Ontheup]

I wouldn't tell your wifes family. It is not your place to do so and you will gain nothing from it. It will only make matters worse and reafirm to your wife that she doesnt want you. It is for your wife to tell them if she so feels.

I am in the same position and also feel like confronting OM and letting her family know but I will gain nothing other than more heart ache and driving my wife further away from me. Over the last 2 days Ive had an awakening in that I just need to concentrate on me. Be the best i can. Be the best dad i can be

[Sotto]

Complex, I agree with SRD - I would shelve the in-laws for now. It isn't your place to tell them - but you can tell your W that you won't lie to them.

I would let this go for now - and as SRD said focus on yourself. You are maybe hoping that family may rally around and the pressure will help your W turn back. It won't - and it then becomes another thing to overcome if you do ultimately reconcile...

Be patient, the truth will come out in time with her family...and then you'll probably be glad that you weren't the one who told them.

[Complex]

Ok, I didn't plan on telling them. I was just wondering if I just go NC on them and let W handle it. But they are a big part of my life and we have a lot of contact. I don't want to "ditch" them completely.

[Complex]

First day of real DBing started. Saw W this morning before she left for work. I was upbeat and friendIy.
She seemed very distant although we had a very short small talk.
It's her first day today working day shift again after night shift for almost a year.
I just wished her a good first day at work. Interesting how she made herself pretty this morning...she never really used to. But I noticed she's doing it for a while now.

Gotta keep going and focus but I'm happy with this morning bc usually mornings are the toughest times for me.

[DaddyLongShanks]

First day of real DBing started. Saw W this morning before she left for work. I was upbeat and friendIy.
She seemed very distant although we had a very short small talk.
It's her first day today working day shift again after night shift for almost a year.
I just wished her a good first day at work. Interesting how she made herself pretty this morning...she never really used to. But I noticed she's doing it for a while now.

Gotta keep going and focus but I'm happy with this morning bc usually mornings are the toughest times for me.

Try not to over analyze your observations of her during this period. Focus more on yourself and what you need to be doing as part of your DB plans. If it's been a couple of years whats a couple more to several months on a strict DB and self improvement plan?

Keep in mind she still might not turn a direction favorable for you, but it is a better chance of it than what you were doing without a plan.

Also you will be further ahead in life by doing the things you need to do. The best DB'ing efforts come from a strong 180 and getting so much into your life and what you want to do that you aren't even concerned about what she is doing.

Maybe and just maybe she will wonder what the heck are you doing that is taking all your attention away.

[Complex]

I know, I know I have to focus on myself now, and I actually am in very good DB mode and my approach changed drastically.
- But (yes the good old BUT) the more I review the situation (and I still am, in my head, unfortunately) the more legit I see Ws and OMs relationship.
They love each other. W is HEAD OVER HEELS (!!!) in love with him and he seems very legit about her, even respecting her still being married, he even has guilt (but if he is that legit about her he must think "well she did this to him and it's a horrible thing, who says she isn't going to do this to me one day?). While W is the more 'active' one who wants to make it real but M is still in the way. She actually moved to day-shift to be around him more.
My gut is just telling me HOW REAL this is...not good. There is no light at the end of the tunnel, at all. The only light I see is improving myself. It's the best thing that could've ever happened to me, I believe that. And I will do that.
And I guess a year of self improvement really is not a year in jail. It is a good thing.
At least I know my situation well, it is better than guessing. It helped me to move on.

I need to get my mind over this. ASAP!
I ordered 3 sessions DB Coaching and have my first one tomorrow. Thank god I have a therapy session with a psychiatrist in 3 hours...
OH GOD HELP - mental throwback

[Sotto]

Hi Complex

I wouldn't worry too much about how serious the R appears to be. Many people in A's seem to be head over hills in love with each other. They often think they have met their true soul mate etc. But part of this is that the A is based on fantasy (disney love) rather than reality.

Once reality seeps in, the excitement drains away and there's nothing much left, because the R was never built on reliable foundations like a 'normal' R. The stats are that only around 1-3% of A's lead to M, and of those, 75% end in D. Dismal stats if you're having an A. In contrast, around 70% of R's survive A's.

I hope this helps, and try not to worry about how 'serious' it all looks...