Starsky is giving you sound advice, as he did in my sitch. You are allowing fear to be your guide. I tried going without an attorney for the same reason you are trying to avoid using one. At the very least, you can do a consultation for a very low cost, or no cost at all. Knowledge is power.
I find it interesting that you would want to hire a PI to figure out if there is an A, but don't want to spend the $$ on an attorney. In my sitch, it probably cost me more to not know all of my rights from the beginning.
Something that doesn't get talked about much on the boards, is the fog that the LBS finds themselves in the early stages. The fog of fear. Fear of pushing the WAS further away. The fear of sending the wrong signals. The fear of messing up. So on, and so forth. Fear will lead you directly to the land of regret.
Things to think about.
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
Hello. I've just sort of caught up with your situation. There is a lot of good advice you've been given. I know this is a tough ride but ride it you must.
I definitely agree with Sandi and more oftentimes than not.. Sex.. Intimacy.. It's really about the emotional connection. Even if your wife is initiating sex, at his point, your emotional connection is suffering which will probably leave her feeling empty and resenting you further that it happened. It's a tough pill to swallow since you didn't even initiate.
The detachment doesn't mean you shut off caring of having concern for your wife. You can still be a caring, empathetic person if that is who you are. But it does mean that her drama and mood swings do not dictate how you're feeling and what path you have to take.
All her talk about not being surprised when she comes back to you... She's keeping her hold on you. Says she wants you to find someone who will treat you better but then turns around and says she needs to find herself and with your help. All these mixed messages is enough to keep you hoping. Try not to get sucked into these mind games. Focus on yourself. Change you. It starts there.
Me:38.. H:33. Two beautiful kids S:6 D:3 M:8.. together for 11. Bomb dropped:10/17/11 Separated:11/07/11
I have changed (I do not believe that I was that bad off anyway). I am now more loving and gentle, lost 15 lbs (funny how easy that was) and am OK with the situation (rarely get emotional to the point of crying in front of anyone). I have empathy for her (truly love her), understand that this is a difficult situation for her (but am holding fast to what I need)and have a good support system in place for me and the kids (they do not know yet).
I have stated things like "I am not standing in your way of happiness...but you must decide on what you want..this person (me) that you have seen in the last 6 months is the real me, I am sorry that you did not see him earlier", "if you stay we must begin to show affection in front of the kids because it is not fair to them and I know we have it in us, if you cannot because of what ever reason (?OM, never had it in you (???M-18 T-21??) then you need to take the steps you need (leave) to find out what is important to you but I do not know if I will be here if you decide to return", "You say that the intamacy is gone for you and that you donot think that you can find it while we live in the same house but obviously enjoy it when it happens - I say that two people with all that we have can work through any issues...start this journey that you feel you need to take.
I still make her lunch daily, spend enjoyable time with her, and recipricate when she reaches out to me...probably wrong in many of your eyes...but it is who I was and who I am. If she does not realize this before she moves out then I believe she will afterwards if not, I have a tremendous amount to offer someone else and look forward to meeting them in the future.
BF - you have been S for 4 years?? does it get easier with time - how did the kids take it?
LITB - I will hold off legal representation as long as possible as long as we are civil and I am not being taken advantage of - mistake ??? Maybe but I am hopeful not.
I find great comfort in this site, thanks to you all
W-43 H-41 M-19 T-21 Kids S-15 D-13 S-11 OM/EA/PA suspected 7/4/14 Talk of Seperation 7/5/14 Slept in same bed, held each other nightly until 2/1/15 W moved out 2/1/15 I am moving on
So she had another therapist appointment. Nothing has changed for her emotionally. The therapist stated that she needs to make a change or come to a comprimise in the relationship and intamacy issues. She is very sad and is Drinking and Smoking more than ever before...She slept in the other bed last night until my oldest son asked her to go to our bed which she did. She does not want to tell the kids but two of them must already know...
If this is a MLC (sure sounds it) then it may be a long ride...
W-43 H-41 M-19 T-21 Kids S-15 D-13 S-11 OM/EA/PA suspected 7/4/14 Talk of Seperation 7/5/14 Slept in same bed, held each other nightly until 2/1/15 W moved out 2/1/15 I am moving on
If this is a MLC (sure sounds it) then it may be a long ride...
Hrdtims,
I feel for you. You are entangled in her misery. Clearly, you are not detached. Your sitch goes, as she goes. When she is stable, you are fine. When she is unstable, your emotions follow.
Your W really has no motivation to change. Why? Because she is leading and you are enabling her to lead. The dynamics of your sitch will change when you get tired of the emotional roller coaster she has you on.
You can't change her. You can affect change by taking the lead and changing yourself. Maybe she will follow, or maybe she will not. Only time will tell.
Start with detaching.
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
I will not initiate physical contact anymore Will not discuss her moving out unless she has a plan to do just that ($%^* or get off the pot mentality) Will not respond to her ups and downs with any emotion Apply the 80% rule Focus on myself and my children
Lets go...
W-43 H-41 M-19 T-21 Kids S-15 D-13 S-11 OM/EA/PA suspected 7/4/14 Talk of Seperation 7/5/14 Slept in same bed, held each other nightly until 2/1/15 W moved out 2/1/15 I am moving on
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
It has been a little over 3 years and I will say.. It does get easier.
It was so hard and so incredibly painful for a long time. And it was scary... But my healing only really began when i truly let go. When I accepted that it was not within my control to "fix" my marriage. I placed in God's hands and realized.. The only choices or changes I could make were my own.
It was not a perfect easy ride. I had moments where I felt almost normal.. and then something H would say.. Or I would find out where he had gone and with whom... Would send me spinning. During those moments I had to go dark.. And that was to save myself.
Today, I am not sitting around waiting for H. I don't really know where I will be in a year.. 5 years... I continue to focus on looking at my life with my kids.. And making plans for what I want our life to look like. I'm not saying I'm completely unaffected by H and what he does but.. I don't really think about who he hangs out with or what he's doing. My happiness is no longer determined by what H is doing or how he's treating me.
I will tell you that I was as kind and gentle as I could be. And in doing so, I was true to myself. My kids have had some tough moments of missing H.. And moments of anxiety.. But it was so very important to me to let go of all the hurt and be forgiving of H. Being angry wasn't going to make me feel better.. This was a continual process of forgiving and reforgiving over and over...
I wish I could give my kids a 2 parent home.. But I am giving them what I can. 2 parents who love them.. Where they don't have to worry about whether mommy and daddy can be in the same room.. And something simple like on hallowe'en it we're not working, we will both be there to take the trick or treating (because that is important you know.. That both mommy and daddy see their costumes :))
Keep posting.. And keep your heart open to advice and moments of insight.. Your changes will make you stronger.. Wiser..
Me:38.. H:33. Two beautiful kids S:6 D:3 M:8.. together for 11. Bomb dropped:10/17/11 Separated:11/07/11
She is looking to change positions...I think that is part of it (part of the MLC that she is in). Daughter knows something is up..."I know you and Dad are not good" because she shows me little affection in front of them.
She is in tough spot. Knows I love her but does not want to leave the home and break the family. We do not argue much and hold each other still in the mornings (both of us initiate). She continues to state that I need to find someone else - I reply "please concentrate on yourself"
It is a odd, odd sitch. Just going to ride this one out, plan for the worse and pray for the best. It is worth it. We have been together 21 years...this sitch has been 6 months long. I owe her and the fam as much time as it takes.
In the end, I will know that I tried everything...but she does not seem to be changing. She has stated that "I closed the door and just cannot flip the switch back on." I still believe that this is related to her MLC and EA with OM.
The process is changing me and has made me a better person...but I will not lie and state that right now I could forgive her if this occurs expecially with OM...I know that may change.
W-43 H-41 M-19 T-21 Kids S-15 D-13 S-11 OM/EA/PA suspected 7/4/14 Talk of Seperation 7/5/14 Slept in same bed, held each other nightly until 2/1/15 W moved out 2/1/15 I am moving on
We do not argue much and hold each other still in the mornings (both of us initiate).
I thought you just said four days ago that one of your goals was to not initiate physical touch anymore?
Hrdtims, "riding it out; pray for the best and plan for the worst" is not "knowing that you tried everything." Until you learn to LOSE THE FEAR, and lay some of the more difficult boundaries with your wayward wife, you're going to remain in LIMBO, which will slowly suck the life out of you -- and your family.
and is Drinking and Smoking more than ever before...She slept in the other bed last night until my oldest son