In addition to the cowboy boots he purchased post BD, he showed up today in a new western style jacket and shirt. The first IC I had said it sounded like he was trying on a new persona. Am waiting for the 10 gallon hat to make an appearance.
And the hat has appeared! Was talking to my sister yesterday and she said she has seen him wearing one when he picks up the kids.
I realized too, that in the few lengthy emails he sent me since BD (you know - telling me he had filed for divorce), he has been trying out a new western vernacular too- lots of "shoots" and "hecks".
My nephew goes to the same elementary school as D6 - so on the days STBX picks her up, there is always a fair chance he will run into my sister. Apparently when it happens, he is always suddenly very absorbed in his phone.
Its been a pretty good weekend so far, although D6 is still not quite her normal sunny self. I was delighted with the improvement my little basketball team made from the previous week.
I had been looking for a Divorce Care group and finally found one close enough at a time I can make - it starts in February.
I haven't either. I'm curious about it but I feel so well supported in my life that I'm not sure I really need it. I also have childcare issues to consider, so there's that.
Sorry your D6 is struggling. In my family we've been reading Harry Potter aloud (I've mentioned this a few times) and the snuggle time and the built-in conversation about the books, planning for future series, etc., has done a lot to give my kids something to hang on to. My erstwhile IC (yeah, the slightly creepy one) said that that was great, because now instead of this being "the year Dad left" it will be "the year we read Harry Potter."
FWIW. I hate the way we have to help the kids cope with these things. It's one of my fears that they'll grow up to make similar choices.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
I thought I'd give it a go since I haven't had much luck finding an IC. The first one (who I saw within a week of BD) was a little too tough love about the whole thing. It was basically "He's gone, he's made his decsion, he's not coming back and you need to accept it." In subsequent sessions she really pushed how happy kids could be in a divorce. I accept that you can make the best of the circumstances for the kids, I really do, but I simply couldn't subscribe to the notion that it wouldn't be a huge challenge and the that the odds of there being issues didn't just increase.
The second one just whipped out his prescription pad and wanted to put me on anti-depressants despite the fact that I don't feel depressed and am not showing any signs of depression other than some sleep issues (that are easily treated without hardcore meds)
So I figured I'd give DivorceCare a shot (they do offer options for kids too- but I'm going to wait on that one). If nothing else it will put me in contact with other people in my sitch IRL - and I don't really have any of those.
D6 is a sensitive soul and a Daddy's girl. She obviously thinks about the situation a lot - but rarely expresses anything directly. Maybell, I am trying to carve out some special reading time with her - although we're going "Chronicles of Narnia" instead of Harry Potter.
It's not a problem yet - beacuse D3 is too young to really understand it - but I also worry about the obvious favoritism STBX shows D6. When D3 was a baby she screamed her head off if anyone besides me held her (including STBX) and he just never seemed to bond with her in the same way as he did with D6. Ah well, that's a problem for another year.
At the risk of sounding cynical, there is seriously something disquieting about the range of personalities and advice received from ICs. You could go to 15 different ICs and have 15 VERY different sessions, 15 VERY different approaches and 15 VERY different outcomes. Yet, when one makes an appointment there is very little discussion on their training, approach techniques, philosophy, etc.
It amazes me and frustrates me at the same time.
Some are more life-coach than psychologist. Some are more gestault or jungian. Some pro marriage, some VERY pro medication. Then there are the ones who just sit there nodding and you have to draw all the conclusions, at $150/hour.
I'll be anxious to hear your report on the Divorce Care group. I'm sure it depends on each local group, but I have a concern that they turn into dump-on-X sessions. I don't want to spend any time in that space.
Why my concern? Bear with me here. I was required by law to take a "parenting course", as a party to an ongoing D. There was a point in the course where we gave a 2 minute summary of our sitch. Everyone there described a blowup, followed by someone moving out within weeks. There was a lot of anger. When I told them it had been over a year since BD and I was still standing for my M, peacefully co-residing, moving forward to my life without W, but still leaving the door open, ever strengthening my R with my kids, they looked at me like I had two heads, didn't know how I could stand it.
It made me take pause, wonder about my own sanity. I think D is prevalent, now the norm. I think the rates could be much lower if everyone just slowed down. I wondered how many of the M's in the room could be saved if people would just relax and take the time to let things unfold - take ego out of the equation. Regardless of the outcome, I am thankful that neither of us had an easy escape - with no family nearby, we are compelled to remain together throughout D. It has helped and hindered. I think we DB'ers are a particularly introspective bunch, willing to go the extra mile, maybe to our detriment, but at the end of the day, we sleep well in our deep thoughts, we are comfortable in our decisions.
BTW, FWIW. I have a pair of cowboy boots. Really nice ones. Pointy toes - bugs can't hide in corners. I bought them 12 years before I was married. I put them on this summer for the first time in about 25 years. May have to take up line dancing. No hat though.
Zew- that's good feedback. I hadn't really thought about it. And since most of my family and friends are in the "he should be tarred and feathered camp" already, I don't need anymore of that. There's not much expense involved, so if it heads that direction, I can just stop- no harm no foul.
In regards to people slowing down before D- I have to say that some of the rapid timelines I've seen from various states on this forum have given me pause. I think I could get behind some divorce law reform (and I'm not particularly political) I like the way our British friends do it- two years of separation for no fault.
I've never understood why, in the US, it takes two signatures to get married but only one to get divorce. Then they cry foul about "sanctity of marriage".
If you truly believe in the sanctity of marriage, then let's work on teaching people how to not just walk away when the going gets rough and that you get out of a marriage what you put into it.
ME: 38 BF: 40 T: 10y, no kids, no M (by choice) BD: 7/14/14, BF admits to PA, wants out, lies about new R. 10/1/14: I move out, BF lies about move in with OW 12/4/14: OW confronted, reveals all the lies
Me 47 - W 35 M 9 - T 10 2 Daughters - 7 & 9 Discovery of EA- 8/4/14 S - 8/5/15 D mentioned - 9/11/14 R & Piecing - 3/17/15 Regard one another as more important than yourselves. - Philippians 2:3
) not at home.