One of the problems is I have had a hard time landing full time employment for the last 8 years. Seems I can only get temp jobs or only part time work.
What do you do? Is there a reason why you may be having a hard time finding a steady job?
I have B.S. in electronics technology. Because of health reasons there are some places I can't work at. Seems my field of study is overcrowded and there are few jobs. I applied for some jobs outside of my field. One of them was for a call center and another one at a department store. I had interviews at both places but didn't get the job at either place.
"The reasons stated why she wants a divorce is because she says I am angry all the time,"
Is this true?
I have been angry and frustrated at times. There were probably a lot times I was angry and didn't say anything but it was written all over my face.
"I am angry with God,"
Is this true? Why?
Yes, I have been angry with God. I had prayed to find a full time job and not much has happened. I became frustrated and it eventually turned into being angry and bitter. I felt like I had been abandoned by God.
"I haven't been to church in years"
Is this true? Why?
Yes. I worked weekend nights back 1999 was unable to go to church. Then in 2000 I thought I had unintentionally blasphemed against the holy spirit. I felt terrible for a couple of years and didn't think I was worthy to go back. After being away from church for 3 years, I started thinking I didn't need to go to church and I didn't need God. In 2006-2007 I went to church sporadically. Then the whole job thing came into play.
"and I don't want to spend time with her family."
"I don't want to do things with her family because her mom and aunt get loud and obnoxious. I had a falling out with her mom almost 2 years ago."
What happened?
Back in 2013 my W was in the hospital. Right after they took my W into surgery, my mother-in-law and sister-in-law started badgering me about finding full time work (I was working part time and looking for full time work). I didn't think this was the time or place for this conversation. All I could think about was my W in surgery. After my W came out of surgery and was okay, my mind went straight to the conversation my mother-in-law and sister-in-law had with me earlier. I became angry with both of them (I didn't tell them) and the more time that passed (were talking about months)the angrier I became at them. In Nov. 2013 I found a temp job, working 40+ hours. I volunteered to work thanksgiving night because I didn't want to be around my mother-in-law or sister-in-law and Christmas Eve I told my W I didn't feel like going over to her family's house. I didn't tell my W about what happened at the hospital until Nov. 2014 and how I felt about it (I did this out of anger), six days later W told me she wanted a D.
"I have been seeing a counselor to work on my frustration and anger. Also trying to improve my chances of getting full time work."
In what ways?
My counselor told me that anger is a secondary emotion and I need to find the underlying emotion (primary emotion) that is causing the anger. Then I need to deal with the primary emotion so that it doesn't turn into anger. My counselor says I have a lot of the signs of someone who feels vulnerable and that I don't have a lot of faith in myself. I think these two things show up during an interview. My counselor is going work with me this Wednesday about improving my vulnerable feelings and lack of faith in myself.
Those seem like pretty big issues. Are you really willing to change for the better?
One question I have, why is my wife angry and bitter? She is the one who wanted and filed for a divorce?
In most cases, the WAW has harbored resentment over the years. She may have been disappointed in how she saw you measure up as a man, or had certains expectations that were not met. For a lot of women it is when their emotional needs are not met. Perhaps her sense of security felt threatened. Maybe she grew tired of dealing with your anger toward life in general, IDK. We could guess at a lot of possibilities, but these are a few examples that are commonly found in threads like yours.
The bad news is you may not bust the divorce proceedings. You can't talk your way of the mess you've caused, and you certainly can't talk her into giving the M another shot. This marriage is dead and over. She will not hear what you have to say.
The good news is there is hope for a new relationship with her. Most of it depends upon how much you work on yourself and change into a better person. How you do it and how long it will take to change is up to you. She won't listen, but she will watch. She won't trust your changes at first, and it may make her angry that it took her leaving the M before you changed. However, if you will move forward with your life, and learn to be happy again, there is a chance that she will find her way back to you. These things take a lot of time.
Are you willing to make changes for the better, even if you knew she would not return to try a new relationship with you?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
My W doesn't seem scared at all. She has been nothing but angry and cold toward me. I did all of the things that I shouldn't, I begged, pleaded, tried to reason with her. The harder I tried the more she withdrew. I am working on improving myself. I am hoping she will want to reconcile but it doesn't look good.
She has harbored a lot of anger and resentment. I do believe the expectations she had were not met and she did grow tired of my anger toward life in general.
I don't know how my W will see or notice the changes I am making we never see each other.
I believe you are right. If she notices the change it will make her angry because it took her leaving me to make the changes. I know I should have made them long ago but I was so wrapped up in my problems and anger. She told me 2 years ago she needed things to change.
I know the changes are necessary regardless of the outcome.
So it seems obvious that you have difficulty letting go of things and are just angry and frustrated. Much may have stemmed from your job situation, but you let that anger consume you. I mean for you to blame God for your not finding a job is a stretch.
Look, I've worked with kids and adults with terminal diseases and they don't get angry. Sure some do. But the ones who CHOOSE to not be angry live better lives.
My next question would be, have you read DB or DR? If you did, then you would know that especially in your case, the only way your W would even want to look back your way is if you start seriously changing. You say you're working with a therapist, but from your post (especially the one about your MIL), the anger is very evident.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
I don't know how my W will see or notice the changes I am making we never see each other.
I understand your concern. However, if you can earnestly make changes for yourself, and not focus on whether or not she ever sees them.......I believe the dividends will pay off for you. As long as you are looking at her to see if she's looking at you........it keeps you frustrated and powerless. Besides, when she does happen to run into you or hear about you through another source, she'll be surprise to see how much you have really changed, b/c it won't be for show or to win her back. That is only one reason you will read around here so much about detaching.
Don't overlook what I said about this taking a long time. It's not uncommon to take at least a couple of years.......sometimes more, for the WAW to have sufficient time and space, before she begins to have a change of heart. I don't say this to discourage, but so that you will see it is something that won't happen overnight or a few months. Question is, can you let go of the main focus (her divorcing you) right now, and go to work on what you can control? Sometimes, it takes a D in order for the WAW to feel free of the pressure on her to reconcile. It doesn't have to take place, but it happens. Some couples have been known to remarry after a D.
The secret (if there is any such thing) is to let go of the control. Let go of expectations. Let go of trying to hold on to her, in spite of her feelings. Just let it go and build a life for yourself and be happy without depending on a R with her. The sooner you will do it, the sooner you will be out of so much pain. This may sound like the craziest advice you've ever heard, but learning to get a life without the WAS is a major ingredient to DBing.
As soon as you get the book, study it. Don't just glance over parts of it. Continue to come here and post. Read other threads and lean from them. It will help more than you know.
Now, work on a list of the changes you need to make. Dig really deep.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I did let the anger consume me. The anger would make me feel better in the moment because I didn't want to deal with the primary emotion that was causing the anger. The anger gave me a false sense of control. The main reason I was angry with God was because I felt he had abandoned me, not just finding a job but in my life in general. People (including my W) would always tell me to pray for a job and God would open doors. It might be a stretch but when you are angry you don't think rationally (at least in my case).
I have read about 100 pages of DR. I am making progress in changing myself. Yes, I have been angry with my MIL for a long time. I am working on that issue.
I know what you are saying is true. Letting go of my W is difficult after 19 years. I still love my W. Once the D is final, I keep thinking I will be nothing but a fading memory to her and the chances of us getting back together will be zero.
