On the brink, need a miracle

[zew]

Onguard, nice job on keeping that confrontation under control. Very well done.

I know it hurts, W and I also put on the happy face today to maintain traditions.

I have found it easier when I commit to making sure those traditions continue, the baking, cooking of favorite dishes, candy making, with the kids, and whether or not my W chooses to participate. I keeps my attitude right, and leaves a happy memory for both me and kids. If W wants to grump, it's her loss. If you keep this up, you will find yourself being happy even without W. Then if she comes back, it's just icing on the cake.

Stay strong, keep hoping for the miracle, but plan for happiness even without it.

[okjpc]

OG,
I'm so sorry for the pain you're going through. But I want to echo zew - sounds like you handled the confrontation very well. I was cheering for you when I read your post and was glad you confronted him. But also glad you kept your head. I honestly don't know if I could have handled that half as well as you did.

[Onguard]

Thanks Zew and Okjpc. WW is back to planning her move out. She has not given me a date but told me over the weekend that it's time for her to move forward toward a new beginning and that she feels ready to physically leave for the first time. We have had very little communication. We went to dinner with our kids on NYE but barely spoke a word to each other. I have not been very good a GAL lately either. My mood has been in the tank. I'm trying to convince myself that I will be ok no matter what happens.

I know that I need to be strong right now but it is so hard. What I want most is for my marriage to survive but it feels like it is slipping away and there is nothing I can do. She has experienced freedom and she likes it. In her words, "I cannot un-see freedom".

Why am I not able to be stronger? I have so many things going for me yet all I can do is think about my w and getting her back. All of my friends and family are stunned that I would even take her back. They look at me like I have 3 heads when I tell them that I want to save my marriage. I wish it were different. My attorney, who also thinks I'm nutz, told me that almost all of her clients are eager to end the marriage. I wish I felt that way. It would be so much easier if I were angry and looking to move on. But my feelings are what they are.

[Ontheup]

Hey OG

Any update on your situation?

I feel your pain. I'm in the same boat except i'm having to leave as I cant afford to stay in our house on my own.
As hard as it is you have to accept your marriage as you know it is over. The pain is unbearable I know. The woman you thought you knew left a long time ago. I find it amazing how they all do the same thing. Focus on you and your amazing kids. Although it doesn't feel like it at the time WAW are hurting to unless they are some sort of sociopath. For me I truly believe I broke my wife's heart a long time ago. Our connection started to fail 3 years ago and all I knew was how to blow up and blame. I threatened divorce and splitting because I didn't know what else to say to try and get her attention. This was before I knew about DB Since that moment on she was never the same. She just checked out and moved on. By the time we realise this its too late and they're usually involved with someone else. They all believe that is where their happiness lies. "Life is too short I have to be happy for me now blah blah". Think rationally. We know that isn't true. When the fairy tale ends and they are in a proper relationship with someone else the gloss soon wears off. They don't see that though because they just want their next fix.
I have wrote this story on another post somewhere but my best friend got D from his wife a few years back. Same thing. Their connection failed and they didn't deal with it. She met her old flame from school online before you know it she has checked out and they get divorced. 2 kids involved. Now I knew at the time the were hasty to get divorced. She married the AP quickly and my mate, 1st hubby is with someone else with another child. His 1st wife recently told me that she longs for the day that her and 1st hubby can be back together. We were at a 'do' and the way she was looking at him was uncomfortable in front of her new husband. She still loves him. 1st hubby also admits he doesn't want to be with the person he is with. Its a mess and could have been resolved. The grass isn't greener. Its just they are wearing glasses that make it look so. We all wonder if the grass is greener when we're not happy with what we've got. its human nature.
There is nothing I can do to change my wife. I have to accept that. I am moving on and will be great again no matter what with our D8. One day my wife will wake up and think wtf have I done. will it be too late? who knows. I'm not hanging around though anymore to try and fix something that cant be fixed the way it is. I need to get my own life back
I'm sure your doing well whatever has happened.

[Onguard]

Thanks for checking in SRD. I have been busy with work and GAL lately. I just got back from a ski trip with my D13. Not much has changed with my M. Our family recently went on a trip to FL but things between my w and I were very strained. We barely spoke to each other. Since the trip I have pulled back a lot. I do not text or call her. I do not start conversations or even say hello or goodnight. If there is ever going to be a reconciliation it is going to have to be started by her. It still hurts like hell but I am finally, slowly, starting to accept reality. My w has not been in love with me for a very long time and the chances of her coming back are very close to zero. I have to walk away and never look back. I am seeing my attorney next week and I am definitely going to begin the process of ending the M. I need to move on with my life and focus on me and my kids.

[Ontheup]

Hey

Sorry to hear that. I'm sure it will get easier once you have committed to moving on. Great you've been skiing with your D. Life goes on and we just roll with the punches. We're still in same house but separate beds. I'm hoping to move in next few weeks. As it stands I'm done with this. I've been fighting for 6 months to save something that left a longtime ago. She is still with OM and I see no way it is going to end. She struggles with guilt and pain but is choosing her short term happiness over everyone else. I don't believe anything that comes out of her mouth at the moment. We're still very friendly and she seems to think this is going to continue. It isn't. I just can't be her best mate while she continues what she is doing. It's just too painful. Is still all a giant secret. I'm not sure how she is ever going to be able to go public with it. It will be devasting to her family. Looking to move on and make a life for myself with d8. I'm still sure one day my wife will come out of the fog and think wtf have I done. thats for her to live with.
Good luck with your future life for D and S as well.

[Onguard]

It's been a while since I have posted and a lot has happened. First, my depression has lifted! It is literally like someone has turned on the lights for the first time in over a year. I cannot begin to explain how much depression affects one's ability to be emotionally strong. In the past few weeks since I have been feeling better I have finally been able to execute the key principles of Divorce Busting. And I have been doing it for ME. And guess what... It has had a big effect on my ww's behavior towards me. She is texting me multiple times per day, she is asking me to go on date nights, she is sitting next to me, holding my hand, asking for a hug, initiating talks about our M and the future.

For the first time since this nightmare began she does not have all the power. She is asking me if I have found someone else. She clearly sees that she is losing me, which she is, and it is causing her to react. What is equally interesting is that the more she chases me the less I want her! Talk about role reversal.

We are far from trying any R and I know that both of our feelings are going to be up and down but I am in such a better place now than I was just 1 month ago. I have updated my wardrobe, been working out like a machine, focusing on my career which is going great, taking trips with my kids and just enjoying my life again! I feel incredible! It's like I have been reborn. For all of you who supported me when I was really suffering I cannot thank you enough. You were all right, it does get better and I will be fine.

As for my M, I am not sure which way it's going to go. I would still say the odds of R are slim. So much damage has been done that I don't know where we would start. I am being cordial and loving towards my ww. But I am no longer doing any form of pursuing. Zero. My plan is to continue to do what I have been doing over the past few weeks and see how she responds. If there is ever going to be a R, she is going to have to want it as badly as I do. She is pursuing me as I said above but I know that her feelings are still not there for me. I believe she feels me slipping away and is grasping to regain control as opposed to really feeling like she wants to return to the M. But I am going to be fine either way.

[Hurt06]

OG you are an inspiration for all of us !

Hang in there, I am in a very similar sitch and reading your posts has given me incredible encouragement!

Praying for you.

[Starsky309]

OG, glad to hear you are doing so well! Your attitude sounds tremendous, and very healthy. Thanks for the update!


Starsky

[Onguard]

Starsky, thank you for all of the guidance that you have given me as well as countless others who are struggling to save thier marriages.

The momentum shift has continued over the past couple of weeks. I am getting stronger and she is doing more and more pursuing. Yesterday I was very busy going about my day and not paying much attention to her. I left the house to go pick up a new car and she called me as soon as I pulled out of the driveway. She asked me "why are you punishing me?" I said, I'm not, what are you talking about. She then went on to say how much she missed me and wanted to "Give our marriage a try with both feet in". She said things to me yesterday that I never thought I would hear:

"You used to tell me that I was acting like an alien had taken over my body. Well, you were right and looking back on the last year I cannot believe the things I did and said"

"I see you and I, 2 years from now, holding hands and walking on a beach. More in love than ever and knowing our relationship will never be vulnerable to anything like this again"

"Thank you for not letting go and for giving me a chance to come to my senses. You certainly had every right and reason to move on and it shows me how strong your love really is".

"I will never forgive myself for the choices I made and the pain I caused you".

There are more but I think you get the idea. However, even though she is clearly having a major shift in her emotions, she has still not agreed to total transparency. It has been a while since I asked for that but she knows it's a condition for me. She also has not stopped going to the fitness studio where she met her ap (who still teaches there). She goes at times when he is not there but knows how I feel about it.

My schedule is very full for the next 6 weeks and she knows it. I email her my forward calendar on a regular basis. There are a number of business trips as well as 2 personal trips with my friends. My GAL activities are in full force and I am loving it!

It is very emotional watching her "wake up" from this MLC as she is now calling it. So many nights I tried to accept that she was gone forever and I had no choice but to move on without her. What is even more interesting is watching her try to divorce-bust me! I can see her fear. She keeps asking me if I have met someone else. She sees that I am no longer suffering from depression and I am looking better than I have looked in 5 years. She sees that I am no longer focused on her. She is trying to act strong and display a take it or leave it attitude at times. For example, we have a date night scheduled this Friday at her request and she said yesterday that if I was really not sure about working on our marriage that we should just cancel Friday night. I responded by saying that I would like to have a pleasant, casual dinner with no relationship talk and that if she wanted something else then yes, we should cancel. I told her that I need more time to adjust to the new/old me. The non-depressed me. This past 18 months has been a nightmare and I am focused on engaging life again.

I really don't know what I want. I don't know if I can forgive her for abandoning me when I needed her most and for betraying me by having an affair. I will never forget the things she did or said to me while I was suffering so much. It feels very good to see her coming back to reality but I need to decide if I can forgive her and trust her again.