Daring ... yeah I think it has .. I know its not how I wanted it .. but the whole "ginger-bread house building think W and OM did, along with exposing S to all that and the goodnight kiss pretty much was the last straw for me. Hurtful and selfish on so many levels I realized ... yup .. my W is gone and this chick in her place is not cool
Ur ... Thank you and I wish the same for you!!
So .. its been pretty dark ... W did TM a bit yesterday, I did not reply but once a few hours later concerning a pic she sent of S .. more TM about the trip she is taking with S ... I think its cool she took him to BIL and up to see the castle and sea loins and all that. However .... I am noticing the push/pull start .. I have been very dark with her since Ginger-Bread 2014 ... yesterday she TM a pic of S .. I replied a few hours later about how it looked like he was having fun ... she seems to use S as a way to open convo ... she then TM how they just arrived, she was tired and had a stomach ache (*Trend Alert*-she does seem to do this .. get the sympathy ..making sure I am still on the string) ... I stayed dark ... then later she joked about how S plugged the toilet and was happy with himself .. again .. I felt no need to reply, I need some space from her .. for me.
So ... I DJ'd NYE ... was a strange crowd, was unusually chilly out for So-Cal ... the crowd was not as busy as I expected it to be, but the whole town was pretty slow. So I did my thing, had a drunk "I dj'd a house party once" guy all up on me for a bit until he got so frustrated I would not play his "Most amazing song ever" that he punched me ... lol .. so yeah .. I opened up 2015 with a good ol high school scuffle. Poor guy had no idea the volcano of frustration he released on himself... silly rabbit.
NYE day I woke up and decided instead of cooking lunch I was just going to get out of the house... went to the grocery store and decided .. nope .. I am going to have a nice sit down lunch in a restaurant ... as I was heading to my car a guy hits me up for some money, I told him I didn't have it ... by the time I got to my car I re-thought it .... I had a good wad of cash from the NYE gig ... I drove over to where he was .. handed him some cash and went to go eat at the local little cafe. Had a nice lunch, paid and on my way out I noticed that same dude eating a bowl of soup ... actually made me feel better he used the $$ for food and not drugs or who knows what.
I have been pretty much alone all week .. S has been with W, and she and I have been very dark borderline NC ... I felt more at ease knowing she is spending time with S and BIL, not OM as far as I know .. but who knows .. its not my issue. This is a new year and I intend to worry about me and S, and will plan "as if" I am already D ... I've come to accept this is my sitch, she is on the crazy train to heaven knows ... I will no longer be chained to that ride, I have decided to stay off the thrill ride and do my thing. The loneliness has not been as bad lately .. I have been open and TM friends .. swapping good Netflix movies to watch ... talking Football ... just anything than letting the silence drive me nutty.
Its strange .. I look where I am now vs last year ... wow. Last year I TM W wishing her a happy NY and hoped she could find happiness, yanno .. pursue pursue pursue .. this year .. I only thought about that TM and how it should not have been sent .. never once had an urge to reach out to her. I can say ... as much as I struggle with detaching .. this is as detached as I have felt from her, and its not a bad thing .. I miss her, but I miss the person who is no longer around.
I've been catching up on your thread. I have been taking a bit of a break, sorting some things out.
I can relate to so much of what you wrote, and where you are. The last straw feeling, and being more detached than ever. It gets to the point where we have to accept that they are really not the same person we M right now. I think I went through, oh.....47,821 rounds of "ok, yes, he's not the man I M anymore" before I truly accepted it as truth.
I just couldn't get it through my head.... How can he be so gone? Surely he has to be in there somewhere I can reach him? He was absolutely crazy about me until, well....until he wasn't. But he has to be in there if only I could get through to him and he will snap out of this...
Ahhhh.....nope.
I do believe with all that I am, that many will come through this crisis, wake up, and want to do whatever it takes to fix the damage. I know it is possible. You just have to decide to live your life in the mean time, and decide if you wish to outlast it. Whatever is best for you, is where you put your energy. Especially with a young s....the steaks are high, for sure.
I'm so glad you decided to treat yourself to a nice lunch.
Keep doing what you're doing, Cali. You're growth and your journey are amazing to watch from here
Nice thing you did with that guy, Luke. Makes you feel good, right?
So, how's it feelin, that detachment? I'm thinking it feels good to not be tethered to everything she says and does.
You are getting closer to the bacon and chocolate and coffee and stuff on the other side....yay you~!
You sure have come a long way in a year. Make this one the one where Luke knows his worth really and truly. Make it be the one where you get to decide who you want to be.
Wow Caliguy. That is some way to start the year! I too have been doing a lot of reflecting on the last year...where I was vs where I am. We have all come a long way.
I really admire your ability to stay focused and on track. How do you do that? Must be from your Jedi training. You really are doing a great job on you.
Last edited by mleigh4; 01/03/1506:00 PM.
Me 48 H 46 S 11 M 2004 BD 8/13 H moved out 2/15 -live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
That was a nice thing for you to do for that man. I think when we do nice gestures for others with no expectatio of reciprocation in any form is an act of genuine kindness. And I'm glad you treated yourself to a sit down lunch! Love it:-)
You are doing great. Hope 2015 brings you peace!
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
I've been catching up on your thread. I have been taking a bit of a break, sorting some things out.
I can relate to so much of what you wrote, and where you are. The last straw feeling, and being more detached than ever. It gets to the point where we have to accept that they are really not the same person we M right now. I think I went through, oh.....47,821 rounds of "ok, yes, he's not the man I M anymore" before I truly accepted it as truth.
I just couldn't get it through my head.... How can he be so gone? Surely he has to be in there somewhere I can reach him? He was absolutely crazy about me until, well....until he wasn't. But he has to be in there if only I could get through to him and he will snap out of this...
Ahhhh.....nope.
I think that was what really was in the way of me doing alot of the mirror work. In my head ... being a fixer and all .. I thought .. no way, not us, 24 years .. I can still reach her in there somehow no matter how deep or twisted the tunnel. ..... like you said .. Ahhhh ... NOPE
I do believe with all that I am, that many will come through this crisis, wake up, and want to do whatever it takes to fix the damage. I know it is possible. You just have to decide to live your life in the mean time, and decide if you wish to outlast it. Whatever is best for you, is where you put your energy. Especially with a young s....the steaks are high, for sure.
I am not so certain ... we have been ... strike that.. I have been pretty dark with her for about 2 weeks now. I know her, in and out .. granted the tunnel and fog I do not know her now .. but all the guilt is going to really get her once she tries to face it and I have a feeling it is this that will keep her in that tunnel .... well that's my fear/opinion anyways and one that does not have a grip on me like it used to.
I'm so glad you decided to treat yourself to a nice lunch.
Keep doing what you're doing, Cali. You're growth and your journey are amazing to watch from here
Thank you Shinning .. I just caught up on your sitch and am not to far behind that thinking ... the one that goes from ... please please please come out to ... uh oh .. what is she does come out and want M again ... I have recently questioned if I could ever trust her again, the desire to sift through the lies and half truths ... just all of it. At the moment .. yeah .. no thanks.
Nice thing you did with that guy, Luke. Makes you feel good, right?
So, how's it feelin, that detachment? I'm thinking it feels good to not be tethered to everything she says and does.
You are getting closer to the bacon and chocolate and coffee and stuff on the other side....yay you~!
You sure have come a long way in a year. Make this one the one where Luke knows his worth really and truly. Make it be the one where you get to decide who you want to be.
Im smiling over here, my friend. Good on you.
Thank uR .. and yeah ... this past year I have done more of those types of things, I read a quote Mother Teresa said when asked how she helped so many , she replied that to her every person in need was just Jesus in disguise ... it stuck.
As far as the detachment .. its better, but in a strange way surreal, I have come to accept the death of my M, the W and person she was... and its honestly tragic. I realized it felt like an obsession, every thought seemed not to far from her, not that its gone ... but now at least requires a trigger (and there are plenty) ... I accept it. I spent 24 years with that girl and there will never be a replacement for what we shared ... ironically even if its with her again. So ... yeah .. thats where I am in that, I am detached ... not sure if its "lovingly" at the moment ... I am still holding on to some of that anger to fuel me over the canyon. As you said .. I need to love myself enough to never allow her to treat me as she has ... its her journey ... I have enough adult stuff to focus on.
BAcon .. yes ... I am all in for the bacon .. hold the coffee .. never touch the stuff. As a kid my mom worked in a coffee shop, I would go in before going to school and was convinced that was how the government controlled the population ..... sure .. laugh all you want at my tin foil hat !!
Wow Caliguy. That is some way to start the year! I too have been doing a lot of reflecting on the last year...where I was vs where I am. We have all come a long way.
I really admire your ability to stay focused and on track. How do you do that? Must be from your Jedi training. You really are doing a great job on you.
Lol ... mleigh ... I am not so sure I am the poster child for focus .. look butterfly.
That was a nice thing for you to do for that man. I think when we do nice gestures for others with no expectation of reciprocation in any form is an act of genuine kindness. And I'm glad you treated yourself to a sit down lunch! Love it:-)
You are doing great. Hope 2015 brings you peace!
Thanks GB .. your updates always make me smile, I admire that strength and way you carry yourself ... especially the raw honesty portion
Ok .. not much as far as a sitch update. Still pretty dark on that front, mostly because of me ... just not wanting to be near that circus let alone be tempted to jump on the Merry-Go-Round. I need space and time to really figure out what I want .... yeah .. me ... imagine that.
W seems to use S as a way to communicate, sending pics/stories about what they are doing ... like a teenage girl looking for ways to get attention and all that. I took S Sat night ... we enjoyed our night together ... then Sunday morning we went to mass, nice breakfast out, then pulled a double dip at the theater.... leads me to ... Ok .. So S and I seen "Into the woods" .... not long in I turned this into a MLC movie in my head and wow what a spin. But as I watched this .. it became very clear to me, I have been guilty of chasing W into the woods trying to save her, in the process I lost me, so now I can see a clearing and I am walking out of the woods ... sure I have hopes W will emerge sometime .. but knowing when and if she does .. she will never be that girl that I knew who entered into that mysterious place, she will be forever changed just as I am.
Anyways ... mid way through ... W TM me asking how S is, saying she is having withdrawals and missing him. I replied after the movie was over, he was good we were enjoying our time together . I am starting to get a touch irritated .. she TM all the time while I have S .... its my time, this is your choice .. seems she feels left out as he and I are doing things ... who knows.. I just choose to respond much later.
I've been fighting a cold all weekend, dropped off S and she looked good, asked if I was feeling better and I told her no .. gave S a hug and went on my way .. she told me to feel better nicely .. I smirked as I walked away ... which is it .. want me dead, want me feeling better ... lol .. guess it depends on the MLC day.
Happy the Holidays are over so I can get back into my typical routine, looking forward to Wednesday night and the RCIA program. Get my focus back on me ... Friday night I did have a blonde show some interest .. I am well versed in the art of dodge and weave ... but it was nice to be noticed and all that. I am no where close to being able to "go there" ... but enough alone time and sue one thinks about it ... hard not to .. but I am not there ... and lets face it .. who needs more on his plate .. 1,2,3 not it.
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