21 Years - Walkaway Wife - Please Help!

[staytog]

I spoke to her yesterday, I know there is underlying anger when she talks to me, we started with a good call about my daughter and what a great cook she is, when we talk about the kids the calls go GREAT! I asked her if I could talk to her in the next couple days and she said let's talk now, I called you because I have time now. So I told her I thought when she spoke to me she had an underlying anger, she agreed, she is angry. She is angry that the kids had the last couple years of their life taken from them, she is angry that she is linked to me financially and she sees that as a liability, she was mad she let me speak for her in financial matters (she NEVER wanted anything to do with the money or paying bills etc) , she was mad the she didn't have a voice, she was mad that she was afraid of the government and courts, she was mad that I had paid more attention to and tried to sleep with her friend.

Toward the end of the call she said she forgave me for all the other things, but the thing with her friend (which I actually felt she HAS forgiven me for, she never really mentions it anymore and she used to mention it every time I talked to her from jail until I apologized) she was still angry about. She says she HAS forgiven me but it will take her a long time to get over the anger. The thing is, she told me just before trial about two years ago, that she loved me as much as the day she married me, and she told me she never would have left me if we didn't have the trial, so I am not sure she is telling me the truth. I have in my mind to tell her everything that has gone on between me and her friend, which isn't very much or damaging I think. I think it is best to come clean, repent and ask for forgiveness. I think she may actually think I slept with the girl, which is not the case. Any thoughts anyone?

I took responsibility for all of it and validated her feelings, and it seemed to be a good thing. I pushed back on one little thing, which was a mistake that I will learn from. But overall I felt it went well. Thanks for listening!

Thanks!

[labug]

Actions speak louder than words.

Sounds like you still have lots of work to do on yourself and their will be no shortcuts or easy buttons around that.

How can you make yourself into a man that only a fool would leave? [/quote]

I agree. I think I have done that. I need to be stronger I think. I am 4 hours away from her and she is working 80 hours a week and most of the time 7 days. We talk, but I'm not sure what actions I can take other than spending more time with the kids doing family stuff. I know she likes that. The kids are 18 19 20 24 and 26 so I'm not sure they are all that excited about spending a bunch of time with me! I am all ears though
[/quote]

I didn't read your full opening post cause it's unreadable for me. The only way to modify is copy and paste then make paragraphs with only a few sentences with a space break between. It could probably easily 3 posts.

About your changes, I hope they do stick but things will be very different our of your current controlled env't.

Were the activities that resulted in prison time known to your W?

[Cadet]

Is there any way to modify messages after you post? I'd like to make the original more readable..

Not after 10 minutes.

Then the edit function is over.

[sandi2]

Is there any way to modify messages after you post? I'd like to make the original more readable..

Try using the "preview post" to proof read before you submit. . It helps me.

[staytog]

Tax evasion was the charge. Not a secret to her. The changes will stick. I'm sure ofthat. I don't want to go back to where I was and where we were. I'm a better different man now. She knows it, but she is concerned I might change back.

[staytog]

I am out in halfway house. Home confinement in 6 weeks

[labug]

Tax evasion was the charge. Not a secret to her. The changes will stick. I'm sure ofthat. I don't want to go back to where I was and where we were. I'm a better different man now. She knows it, but she is concerned I might change back.

Of course, she's concerned. Respect that.

Her knowledge of what you were doing was contemporaneous?

Putting that aside, you have a lot of hurdles ahead of you. Will you have a job when you leave the half-way house? A place to live? You have to stay sober in the outside world. You have to learn to make better decisions. Yo have plenty on our plate.

Don't pressure her, just go on with your life, cementing the changes you've made. If in fact they do stick, she'll see that and may decide to take another chance.

That's the basis of DB.

[staytog]

Well it was well after the fact that I was indicted, so I can't really remember if she knew anything. I wasn't really evading anything. I don't believe they have a law or right to tax us like they do. I would commonly be called a "tax protester"

Working is not a problem, I have always worked for myself. I plan to stay sober, but I really don't think she had a problem with my drinking. She was kind of my codependent I'd say. I wasn't an out of control hide the bottles drunk. Just kind of a party animal who didn't stop once he got started. Lots of people look at me funny when I say I went to AA, cause they don't think I am an alcoholic. I fear that she falls in "love" with someone else. She has convinced herself the last 20 years were horrible, but they weren't. We had lots of good times together. I believe she also believes I DID sleep with her best friend at some other time. My plan is to ask her if she believes that. I know she knows I wasn't sleeping with her on the night in question. She has probably convinced herself it happened some other time, when in fact it didn't. I did NOT sleep with the girl.. Thanks for your input!

[labug]

You have an explanation for everything. Do you have a sponsor?

Tax protester or not, you still threw her life into disarray and embarrassment.

Everyone plans to stay sober, when you've done that consistently, she'll see it.

I did read far enough in your first post to see that she asked you to go to AA and you didn't. Women don't ask that if the drinking isn't a problem for them.

That's your assessment of the last 20 years, it's not hers right now and that what you have to live with. Maybe prison was the last straw for her.

About her Friend and you, apparently a trust was broken. Again, sometimes that's all that's needed in an already rocky R.

But you can prove yourself to her. Work hard on all that's on your plate, don't pressure her and respect her wishes.

You have to change first and it has to last. Again DB 101.

Read Cadet's welcome post daily.

[staytog]

I am not allowed to go to AA while in halfway house. Figure that one out! I will get a sponsor when I am free in June.

A trust was broken, but it was 13 years ago, and she told me two years ago she "loved me as much as the day we were married"

I'm trying not to pressure her. I would go as far as to say I am NOT pressuring her. Unless talking to her about business and our kids is pressuring her. I have not brought up the other guy, I don't say I love you anymore, I have not asked her to quit her job and come home. I figure she knows all that stuff.

I am mostly scared because she has been seeing someone. I do think I need to clear the air about her friend and see what she is actually thinking. I know she told one of our friends I slept with her, but she doesn't know that is true, and in fact it is not true. I feel I now need to make that clear too her. She said to me "If you ever had an affair with X, I would have to forgive you both cause I love you both so much" about 15 years ago. To me, it sounded like permission. I think at the time she was thinking I did and was asking me to confess. That is why I now think she thinks I slept with her friend. I do think I make progress when I talk to her. I don't think I should go dark.

I am working hard on myself and in all the calls I am patient, loving and kind, even if she is yelling at me! I have read numerous relationship books, DR, DB, Hendrix, Gottman, Smalley, Marshall, His Needs Her Needs, lots of good stuff. I have probably read TOO much

If you have anything you think I should read please let me know.

Thanks so much for your response and input!