Thank you LouR and 123Gwen. I needed the support today.
I haven't received the biopsy results yet. It's probably best that I don't have that yet til after the holidays. Trying to focus on my health and my children.
I feel so bad for my children. They are bombarded with all of this. I have a name of a therapist that I will be contacting after Christmas. They work with children going through this stuff. My children are really angry (especially my older ones) they don't want to be near him because they see how he talks to me and what he's doing.
Anyway, my H asked me if he could come by and pick up "some stuff". I said ok. he went straight to the garage and really took a lot of stuff. I asked our two oldest children to help Daddy pack and then they both said no - I realized that I should not have asked them to do this. I felt bad because they don't want to see this happen nor do they want to assist him leaving. I came to the garage and said the children don't want to help. H said fine - "that's ok. I don't expect them to. I deserve this anyway." He did ask if I wanted certain things and I would say yes or no.
I asked him about the OW. He denied it and I just said that the last thing our children need is someone new that they feel uncomfortable around. I asked if he was rushing this D to marry the OW or if the OW was pregnant. He said "No. I have lots of female friends, why don't we ask each one if they're pregnant." ??weird. I stopped.
He just kept saying that he wants nothing to complicate his life right now and that he is now finally thinking so clearly. He said his focus is on his children, his career, his fitness,himself. I also said that I can't believe that he's ok with the idea of some other man coming into my life and raising our children with me. H said, "someone is going to come into your life, sweep you off your feet and love you. I'm sure there are plenty of guys waiting til this whole thing is over to come in cuz you're hot. I thought about this and I accept that."???? Weird!
He then mentioned that he hadn't seen this OP since his confirmation, I said - "You're lying!" cuz I was thinking about that small town parade that he took her too but my SIL asked me not to say anything since this puts her in a weird position and right now, I feel she's my ally. He looked so angry and said - "When?" Then I mentioned the party (not the parade) and he said, fine..I won't have the children where it will look suspicious. He totally LIED! He was angry and defensive. I backed off but that set the tone. He was now officially upset and defensive.
He also said he attended some DivorceCare meetings even though it's not Catholic, he was quite specific that he is still Catholic. (I don't really care cuz that's his deal with God). I commended him for going to those meetings but I also mentioned that I know him and he tends to go to women and divulge everything instead of going to a counselor or priest or another guy. He stayed quiet. He left and has to come back for more stuff. BTW - while he was packing, I text my atty who called me back and told me to ask him to leave because he shouldn't be splitting the stuff til after the holidays. She really wanted me to be bold and strong and confront him. I just feel like a wimp. I want to say so much but I don't know what words to say. I pray all the time for the Lord to give me the words.
So, what did this conversation accomplish....it confirms that I am dealing with a liar, a deceiver, and a man I really don't know.
The children didn't even want to go with him today for Christmas because they noticed his demeanor with me. He never spoke to them when he was packing stuff. our youngest came out to give my H a Christmas cookie and H took it and thanked our child for the cookie. Later, our child said, "why was daddy so angry with you?" (we weren't arguing but I think he heard the tone of how my H was telling me stuff) So I just said - no, Daddy and I were fine.
Our children and I went to adoration (church). Our church was holding a praise and worship time with the youth ministry for the coming of Christmas. It was so beautiful. I just cried. The Lord has been so merciful. I pray for the Lord's guidance and protection for me and my children. Our children are really trying to hold it together. They struggle. I know I ask a lot from them - "Be nice to daddy." "Be good for Daddy." "Daddy is a good man and he loves y'all." They know he's lied to me and to them so it's hard for them. Praying!!
Keeping y'all posted. Divorce is horrible. I'd rather have my H NOT this person.
So what do you say to your 7 yr old child when they start crying because they just want to be a normal family? What do you say when they're crying cuz it hurts so much?
I've told our children that I don't understand what's going on and I don't have all the answers. I tell them that I love them. Daddy loves them and God loves them too.
This situation hurts so much. It hurts to hear your child cry over something they have no control over. Just asking out there..
I think you all are a "normal family" because will having mom and dad together in the same home is ideal it is not the only way you are a family.
If you are calm and cool about this situation, your children will follow your lead. Obviously you are hurting but in front of the kids you must set the tone. Your ability to carry on will impact your children. Simply put, if you fall apart they will too. If you use this situation to show them how to get back up they'll be stronger too.
I know this is hard VGE. There are no excuses for H's behavior but this is reality. Now your children will look to you to see how to handle it. If you show them through your actions that you are going to be okay it will help them deal with all the changes. When they get older they'll understand how much you all endured but for now they just need to understand that whatever the lving situation is both Mom and Dad love them the best they can. You can do this VGE.
M:25 years at BD w/ 2 daughters BD: 5/14 Separated 6/14 - H moved cross country w/OW D Final 9/17
“I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it.” ― Maya Angelou
hi everyone. Sorry havent posted. It's been rough. The cancer is back and divorce still going through. Cancer is in my spine, two ribs and both sides of my pelvis. DH is weird. My children trying to cope. The update, We've been going through the motions, Dh still living with his parents, everything the same at my hm. nothing is going forward with the divorce since my atty is trying to be sure I have insurance coverage for any treatment I get - I'll find out for sure what my treatment plan will be on Monday. (PRAYING!!)
I think STRESS has really fed this cancer. I try not to stress. I keep trying to release negative emotions because I want to focus on my health - especially so that I can be here for my children. They're my world. Sorry - to get emotional but I really don't want to die yet. I want to grow old and see all of my children grow up, graduate college, get married and have children.
I thought I was strong but since the dr visit last week - it really just hit me. I realized that I was still holding on to my marriage even though it's DONE and worrying about my children's future, and thinking of my finances (need a job) has taken a great physical toll.
I PRAY, eat right, take tons of supplements (FIGHT CANCER) and run three days a week. Trying to reign in my health.
This all leads to today -DH picked up our children for the day. He seemed off so I asked him what was wrong. He said nothing. Then as our children get into his vehicle, He stopped at the door and said he spoke to his atty yesterday. DH said that all of us (atty's, him, and me) will be getting together for a meeting.
I said ok. He said there's more allegations of adultery? I said - I haven't spoken to my atty since Dec. (true) and that his atty has waited to go forward because of my cancer and insurance. I stayed quiet.
Then this is the kicker - He said that the judge will think he's an a$$ cuz 1) he's left 2) my cancer is back and I stay home 3)I homeschool and stay w/the children 4) his previous affair that resulted in a child. I felt like saying - YOU did this to yourself.
He says, "so so much for my reputation. Oh well. Whatever. I was trying to make it easy for everyone now it looks like it's going to get ugly. I didn't want it to get ugly."
So that's why he says he's upset. I stayed quiet. I really looked at him and thought - REALLY?! You're worried about YOUR reputation -now? UGH! I was angry inside. I'm fighting for my LIFE and you're worried about your reputation?!!
I really wonder why he wants this divorce to go so fast? Hmm? I just said bye and he left. I hope he doesn't take out his anger or frustration out on the boys by not being responsive or "present" for them.
I've been crying and praying because this just caused all sorts of emotions that I really hadn't expressed before. I finally got angry. I hadn't really felt that or expressed it before. But really - the nerve!
My DH is NOT in a midlife crisis. This IS who he is. I've had time to really reflect on our marriage and this is really him. These are his true colors. It's all about him. It always has. It just now clicked. OF course, 20 yrs of marriage and four children and now he wants to live his life. No regard for others.
On another note, I joined a divorce support group (Catholic Divorce Survival. It's helpful because though we are on different divorce paths - we share the same pain. This is my part of healing the emotional ties of my marriage so that I can focus on my health.
Anyway - thank you everyone for letting my vent. Thank you for your prayers. I pray that all marriages are saved in God's love and if God wants to shield you from someone or something that HE knows isn't for your good then let go and LET GOD!
Praying for wisdom, protection, health and strength.
vge, I am very sorry to hear that the cancer is back. The stress of what you are going thru right now w/your h and the divorce is taking its toll on you.
You have every right to cry and be upset. Your world has turned upside down again. Your h isn't there to support you and you have children that need you in their lives. I know it's tough right now, but you have to try to find your inner strength and calm down. Breathe! You have to think positive and stay strong.
Monday isn't that far off and I hope you'll find out what your options are for treatment. Do you have someone that can go w/you to the appointment? Once treatments begin, do you have someone that can help you out? You certainly can't rely on him for anything much.
BTW, I wouldn't blame the judge for thinking your h is an @ss because he is one.
I am keeping you and your family in my thoughts and prayers.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Oh my heart just breaks for you. Your H. is an A$$. How selfish of him to worry about how he looks when you are fighting for your life!
Your focus for now has to be on you, your treatment and recovery. Circle the wagons and keep your support people close. Stress is not good for someone fighting Cancer. Maybe your H will just have to wait for his D.
Prayers and healing light to you
Me 52 H 44 T9 M 5 BD 12/11 H split 8/12 OW moved in 12/12 OW gone for good 6/14 We get closer again 9/14 SD 13 Me 4 Grown
Accept what is...let go of what was and have faith in what will be.
It means a lot. My atty is a cancer survivor too and trying to be sure that this d isnt rushed. My h is just weird in a hurry for this d. ?? I'm rying to focus on my attitude and de-stress.
My mom has been a true blessing. She always prayed for reconciliation. She used to love my H as a son... now...not so much. She's been there for my dr appts.
Anyway, i really appreciate all the thoughts and prayers. Y'all are a true blessing!!. Prayers out to all going through these tough times.
