Shakspr #5: I fear and hope, I burn and freeze

[Shakspr]

Thank you all. It seems when I can put a name to my emotions (or identify the source) it settles me down a bit. Honestly, right now my low is simply manifest in nausea.

In no particular order, this is why I feel rotten:

Loss - the loss of my marriage is more "real" knowing how my XW is conducting her life away from me, and how/what she felt OK to speak to D22 about

Loss 2 - When I am hurting this bad, I want someone to talk to - a certain special someone. My wife. That's the part that feels like I am grieving a death

Lack of resolve - I am weak. I don't want to go through another legal fight and spend a bunch of money I don't have, yet again. However, if my children express a desire to live with me, I will do just that.

Disrespected - Doesn't need much explanation

Wasted my time - 15 of my best years, 28-43, were spent trying to create a home. It takes two to make that happen, and all my XW has been doing for the last 8 years is try to get everyone else to change, with mixed results. No wonder she felt unhappy here. This feeling is independent of the obvious love I have for the children that are the only remaining good result of our union

Loss 3 - Legacy. I wanted me and my wife to be the grandparents and great grandparents that kept everyone together, in good times and bad. To be the ones that family members talked about "Doing it the right way." Who could tell stories of love, loss, redemption and hope. That's gone - barring a miracle of biblical proportions.

Confusion - D22 has been pretty even-handed when discussing this stuff. But it's obvious, upon reflection, that I often got only one side of the story when she and XW were battling. I am aware that it is easy, now, to side with D22 - she's at least trying to be decent - but I certainly need to listen to her concerns about what may be happening with her siblings when I'm not around.

Unhappiness/more laziness - I'm quite tired of being the grown-up, the responsible one. Projecting an air of stability, trying to be the lighthouse.

And yeah, I fork over quite a bit of money in child support. I don't want to see that lining someone else's pocket/lifestyle even though the kids are with me over 40% of the time. I can almost predict the pattern. XW decides she wants to quit working and go back to school/homeschool/whatever (again). No problem - she's already bringing in good money via good choices in ex-husbands (XH #2 is still paying for SS15, remember.) New H says, just use the CS $$ to do that and I'll support us, no problem. Etc.

It's galling. I honestly don't care if I sound petty. I have had enough. And there's damn near nothing I can do about it except get it off my chest, accept the reality, and go back to doing the best I can for my kids and myself, whenever I can.

Ugh.

[raliced]

Shakes - I'm sorry about this and have quite a bit to say, but want to do so thoughtfully. I have to get the girls off to school (big day - lots of Christmas parties - last day before vacation etc). I'll respond fully later.

[jim0987]

Hi. Just wanted to say you're not alone. I can identify with pretty much everything you said there. Hopefully getting it off your chest will help.

[Shakspr]

It does help to get it off my chest. Plus, I find I have a knack for articulating some of the crap we all struggle with. I hope it helps others as well.

I'm just waiting for a 2x4. I am obviously whining.

[raliced]

Shakespr, my anonymous internet friend, let's tackle these one by one and see if we can't pull you up a little from the winter of your discontent.

Loss - the loss of my marriage is more "real" knowing how my XW is conducting her life away from me, and how/what she felt OK to speak to D22 about

Yeah- I can see how it would feel that way. I'm girding myself for the possibility that STBX and OW will jet off to Vegas the day after the divorce is final. This is something that you need to grieve through. Some time should take away a little of the sting

Loss 2 - When I am hurting this bad, I want someone to talk to - a certain special someone. My wife. That's the part that feels like I am grieving a death

Again - this is something you do have to grieve. I know you had mentioned going to Divorce Care after the new year. Maybe having people around IRL who are going through the same thing and have an empathetic ear will help. And of course, you always have us here, although I know we are a poor substitute for what you are missing.

Lack of resolve - I am weak. I don't want to go through another legal fight and spend a bunch of money I don't have, yet again. However, if my children express a desire to live with me, I will do just that.

Shakespr, I don't know you other than the limited glimpses I get from your posts, but the last thing you strike me as, is "weak". I will eat my hat if you aren't a man of grit and resolve (and not just any hat,but my 2014 World Champion Seahawks hat with the fleece ear warmers). You will pull yourself up from this and do what you need to do for your kids

Disrespected - Doesn't need much explanation

Yeah - I don't know about you but I'm also experiencing a certain amount of disillusionment in my choice of life partner. I think back to the years (!) when he was distant and moody and I tried so hard to be cheerful and supportive, when all the while he was giving his best self and energy to other women, instead of dealing with the problem at hand. We both deserve better.

Wasted my time - 15 of my best years, 28-43, were spent trying to create a home. It takes two to make that happen, and all my XW has been doing for the last 8 years is try to get everyone else to change, with mixed results. No wonder she felt unhappy here. This feeling is independent of the obvious love I have for the children that are the only remaining good result of our union

Ok - I'm going to argue with you a bit on this one. Are you only your marriage? I bet you have grown as a person, developed new interests, expanded your career and been an engaged father in the last 15 years. Nothing can take these things away from you regardless of the outcome of your marriage. I'm glad you see your kids as a positive - but I'm sure if you pause and reflect there are a lot more positives out there. I guess I've never been someone who over sentimentalizes youth or subsribes to the notion that we ever have "best years", but personally, I think I'm a lot more interesting now than in my 20s and I wouldn't be that person without all of these experiences, including the years with STBX. Heck, as bad as this experience is, I bet I come out of it better somehow, and I suspect you will too.

Loss 3 - Legacy. I wanted me and my wife to be the grandparents and great grandparents that kept everyone together, in good times and bad. To be the ones that family members talked about "Doing it the right way." Who could tell stories of love, loss, redemption and hope. That's gone - barring a miracle of biblical proportions.

Yeah, deep down we all want the Norman Rockwell family. I wanted some version of parents marriage, not flashy or overly demonstrative, but the substantial and reliable touchstone for myself and my siblings. My maternal grandparents immigrated to this country in the 20s. Grandpa came first and had to work for 7 years before he could afford to bring Grandma over to get married. Shades of Jacob and Rachel. And that man had a sparkle in his eye for her until the day he died 50 years later.

Yep, I wanted this for my kids and grandkids. And I will still be there for them, it just won't look the same as I thought. Do you really think you won't still be able to share stories of love, loss, redemption and hope? I think you probably already have some of these stories. Ahoy talked about her grandmother on her thread, who was a LBS who never remarried and ended up taking care of her nogoodnik WAH. Clearly she was a shining light for kids, grandkids and great-grandkids despite everything.

Confusion - D22 has been pretty even-handed when discussing this stuff. But it's obvious, upon reflection, that I often got only one side of the story when she and XW were battling. I am aware that it is easy, now, to side with D22 - she's at least trying to be decent - but I certainly need to listen to her concerns about what may be happening with her siblings when I'm not around.

Yeah- I don't like this whole business with D22. Not my place to judge, but I'm going to do it anyway. Your XW shouldn't be doing that with her. It sounds like she's hurting. Be there for her. Could turn into a story she tells her kids and grandkids.

Unhappiness/more laziness - I'm quite tired of being the grown-up, the responsible one. Projecting an air of stability, trying to be the lighthouse.

I think your ski trip will help with this. You need a mental break. Again, though, I'm not buying that you're lazy. BTW, I gave up skiing years ago because I want to keep my knees. Good for you for getting out there.

And yeah, I fork over quite a bit of money in child support. I don't want to see that lining someone else's pocket/lifestyle even though the kids are with me over 40% of the time. I can almost predict the pattern. XW decides she wants to quit working and go back to school/homeschool/whatever (again). No problem - she's already bringing in good money via good choices in ex-husbands (XH #2 is still paying for SS15, remember.) New H says, just use the CS $$ to do that and I'll support us, no problem. Etc.

Don't know what to say about this one, other than I sympathize. I'm fortunate to have the girls for at least 75% of the time, but there's no question this is a financial maelstrom that will take years to recover from and there are days when its pretty wearing. But I'm up for the challenge. You?

It's galling. I honestly don't care if I sound petty. I have had enough. And there's damn near nothing I can do about it except get it off my chest, accept the reality, and go back to doing the best I can for my kids and myself, whenever I can.

Go ahead. Sound petty. But for your sake, don't wallow in it, ok?

Ugh.

Touche.

[Shakspr]

Raliced:

Yes. On all counts. Yes.

I won't wallow. You have my word.

Shakespear

[Little]

I was going to give you a 2x4 about not focusing on what you've lost but what you've gained: anything you want in the future you can go for and grab without anyone else's input.

But Ralice got it first.

[Shakspr]

Thanks, Little. Guess it's time for me to give a little (heh) back to the community after a bit of a hiatus.

[Shakspr]

So, for those who might still be interested...

My XW is remarrying. In the next few weeks. She is moving in with her new man this weekend. That is less than 4 months after D was final. The new address is no more or less inconvenient than the old one.

Don't know what's next folks. I am GAL'g - spending lots of time with friends and family. Plans for triathlon are on hold because...

My ski trip ended, on the last day, with a crash and a broken collarbone. Surgery + average insurance = nice bill. I guess they will all get a little over time. I am out of the sling and on the mend. I refuse to act my age, ever.

I am focused on my children. The two youngest (my bio kids) are just going with the flow. She will be homeschooling them again, and they are pretty happy about it. I see them a great deal, and miss them terribly when they are gone.

My SS15 flipped out and threatened to quit doing school, agreed to go back to school, then got in a physical altercation with XW. She put him on a bus to his Dad's house. Not my responsibility, but he has been a part of my family for as long as I have had a family. My heart is breaking for him, as he is hurting, obviously. His Dad even called me to ask what to do. I offered support for SS15, but refused to be drawn into any discussion of XW.

D22 vacillates between furious and disappointed with her Mom. She has agreed to meet the new husband to be, as she wants to get to know the man with whom her siblings will be spending much of their time.

I guess DB is over for me, now. I will continue working on me, and being more deliberate about who I want to be. But concern for XW is all but gone. Part of me will always love who she was, but I know that she can never be that woman again. She is unwell, in my estimation, and will go through this cycle again. New guy is divorced twice, w/ 1 child from each previous marriage. I put the over/under for their M at 3 years.

[raliced]

Wow Shakes...just wow.

You called it all. Rapid remarriage, return to homeschooling etc.

My heart hurts for SS15 - that sounds just awful.

Ouch on the collarbone- hope you continue to heal well.