I would be careful of using the kids to shame and guilt W. Also it introduces pressure to the WAW.
Originally Posted By: NAJ1964
Just to let you know, but L has a very hard night tonight and cried and sobbed for a long time. He wants you to come home. I told him we are working on it.
Do you know see how it is guilt-inducing and applying pressure on W? Also it is pursuit on your part. Not good.
Do not send the email to W. It was a good convo between you and S because he felt safe to open up to you. Glad you were there to listen to him and allow him to express himself to you.
There will be many moments like that from your kiddos and just keep the lines of communication open with them. Your W isn't interested in reconciling with you at this moment.
Keep the focus on you and the kids. Arrange play dates with other kids, outings that are fun, and do activities at home (i.e. crafts, board games, etc.).
If possible, arrange for the kids to have a babysitter (parents or friends watching them) so you can have some FUN time yourself. You really need to take care of yourself otherwise you'll get really overwhelmed and burn out a bit.
I never thought of it as a good convo - it just hurt me so much to see my son crying and sobbing. And I blame my WAW for causing my S9 and D5 all of this confusion and pain. I know that's probably not right to feel that way, but it's true. She chose to leave our kids and family for her OP. She put her needs above our kids, and me. Yes, I am very angry about it still. Does it mean that until I can get past this anger I will not heal?
That is a good point about my S9 feeling safe enough to talk to me about his pain.
My WAW and I are splitting the kids 3 days at a time (at their request). I can do "my things" during her 3 days.
I blame my WAW for causing my S9 and D5 all of this confusion and pain. I know that's probably not right to feel that way, but it's true. She chose to leave our kids and family for her OP. She put her needs above our kids, and me. Yes, I am very angry about it still.
NAJ, lots of us feel this way, I certainly did. And to some extent I still do, I still think H is being a selfish b*stard and not thinking of his kids. But I'm not angry about it anymore. Angry mom is not good for my kids and I need to set aside whatever I think about H and show them I'm ok. And you know what? I am.
Maybe I had some poor word choices...what I meant was that your son was able to talk to you freely without fear of being shut down or having his feelings being discounted.
We all have our moments of anger...especially when the separation is very new and the discovery of the OW is fairly recent. Go with the feelings and get through to the other side. I was angry for a long time. The over time the anger went away. It is a natural and organic process that is individual to each person. There's no right or wrong in those emotions.
Just be on the alert for allowing anger to consume you...that's not healthy at all.
It is good to hear that you do have some "Jan" time. Are you seeing IC for yourself?
My WAW texts me today (calls my cell) and left a message on my home phone.
Our D6 has a birthday coming up Dec 30. My WAW wants to spend the day at Disneyland with us (as a family).
What is the proper response? While one part of me wants to jump and say yes as this is what I want more than anything (entact family) but the other part is no, she should not be allowed to play happy family as long as she is a WAW having an active affair.
How should I respond? A simple, no thanks, ignore her or say yes and try to use it as an opportunity to build our screwed up relationship.
On another note - we went to a new church today which was really good, I met some warm and inviting people and my kids had a blast at Sunday school. That felt really good. I asked if I could help out with Sunday School and if I could play guitar with the kids singing. That felt good too.
My D6 has a play date today making Christmas cookies and that is keeping me happily occupied. The Chrismas cookies will be everyone's gift this year as finances are tight. Previously my WAW always made Christmas so hectic I dreaded it and felt I never measured up. This year is different. I have even put on some Christmas music to keep my spirits up.
I am glad to see that you're getting more involved with your Church and participating in activities. Sugar cookies! I really love soft and gooey chocolate chip cookies.
As for your D6's BD celebrations, I would encourage you to collaborate with W on going to Disneyland for it is for your D6 where you can create good and positive memories for her.
How about this (you can change to fit your style)....
W,
Thank you for the suggestion. I think it would be wonderful for D6 to have her BD at Disneyland. What did you have in mind? How would you like to handle the presents so we don't get duplicate gifts for D6?
Have a good week.
Thanks, Jan
Now that you've mentioned sugar cookies, I've got to go and see about that egg nog for me!
P.S. I am doing my happy dance now that my Pats just blew out the Dolphins! Now on to the playoffs and Super Bowl!
My D6 has a play date today making Christmas cookies and that is keeping me happily occupied. The Chrismas cookies will be everyone's gift this year as finances are tight. Previously my WAW always made Christmas so hectic I dreaded it and felt I never measured up. This year is different. I have even put on some Christmas music to keep my spirits up.
Jan, I made Christmas cookies with my daughters yesterday, too. We had a great time. Enjoy.
So my WAW has written lots of texts, called my cell, left messages on my home phone, wants to spend time together at Diney with our kids, wants to ride together to our therapist's appointment. Should I take these signs as her heart is warming toward me/our marriage?
I have been very cool, not rude, just detached.
What do you guys think?
The consensus from the board is to go ahead and go to DISNEY and accept he offers of riding together, etc... She is still with AP and I hate every minute that that it creeps into my mind, but I am biting my tongue and not saying anything or questioning her.
