Busting this Divorce - Moving On. Really?

[Wonka]

I love this golden line from Sandi...such utter perfection!

I would look deep in her eyes and say very firmly, "W, my 'no' means exactly that, NO. I am not going to change my mind about Christmas or the condo, so please stop asking me".

[Vanilla]

I would still hire a cheap car for a month!
That's the only change!

You are doing really well, really well

Vanilla

[HPoirot]

Thank you Sandi, wonka, and Vanilla. Such incredible advice! Thank you so much. Count on me to keep following through on this path to the condo.

I am concerned about what I did this morning... the way I responded to W's "I'm so sorry let's be nice" VM with my "stop calling me" slap down. Right after I sent it, I found my "Please stop calling me" text kind of weak. I should have said something like "Thank you W for your VM. I appreciate you sharing with me. Now, no more calls or texts unless it's an S11 emergency. Thanks." I see now how wording is important.

And I will be ready. It looks like this morning was her sad phase and now I'm to get her anger again tonight. I'm wondering if she'll get drastic like getting a lawyer or going back on S11 moving on Sunday. I think she will. She has never gone a day without switching her position.

I'm glad you all think I'm doing well. This is a hard place to be... keeping calm while I make my wife cry. I forget for a second or 2 sometimes when that happens what she's done. I would prefer to comfort her. But, she has been brutal brutal brutal to me without an apparent second thought and certainly no comfort. Screaming F*ck You HP at me. ME! She's never done that in all our M. We've never had a huge fight until now.

I'm so thankful for all of you and this board for helping me get to this point. Withstanding this pressure is a good skill to have. I'm sure I'll have a chance to use your new scripts very soon.

I wonder what she's thinking/how she's feeling right now. She in constant planning it seems since she started on this path. When I first started turning the tables, she screamed "I had a process!" over and over. Her process was her plan to exit our M while protecting me and s11 from her "truth" and having her A. Once she called it her "fantasy." Wow.

Well, she'll be here in an hour. Time to get ready.

Life goes on.

[zew]

You keep using terms like "slap down".

Be careful HP. Your goal is to be firm, resolved. Don't cross the line into mean, punitive territory.

These are your boundaries, not her punishments.

[HPoirot]

Thank you zew. That is may concern too... that I'm being punitive. I don't consider that consistently and recognize it is the intent and tone that can determine a punishment from an boundary. I took that response opportunity this morning to deliver the "don't call me" message... but then it did seem to me like a smack down as her message was "I'm so sorry." So yes I can see how my message this morning could be a mistake as it was worded weakly and punitively to me. Just got to keep going.

[Wonka]

HP,

I found this comment very revealing:

When I first started turning the tables, she screamed "I had a process!" over and over. Her process was her plan to exit our M while protecting me and s11 from her "truth" and having her A.

Many WASes (not counting the MLCer) have their own little "plan" in their heads on how a S and D would work out and expect the LBS to trot in line with it. Or even roll over and expose their bellies to the WAS. All is well with a red bow on top of the LBS' hair.

That is until one upends their pretty "scenario" in their heads and they all turn into this little monster with spews filing right out of their mouths.

They are UPSET that they caught completely OFF GUARD when the LBS doesn't follow along their cute script. How dare you to throw a monkey wrench in their nicely wrapped plans with the OP and dreams of living on Rodeo Drive with gazillions of money.

Too funny! Yeah...Lisa, this is a great living and breathing Lifetime movie.

Hell, why don't we name this movie the Poirot Show after the fantastic movie, The Truman Show (remember that one with Jim Carrey??) to make it more "real".

[HPoirot]

Last week living with W. She doesn't stop...

Get's home with s11. I was supposed to pick him up today... but I told W I would not drive her to work to do so. So she decided to go pick s11 up herself likely really inconveniencing her work or whatever schedule.

She comes in the bedroom where I'm sitting on the bed. She looks tense and tired as usual. Apologizes for being there and says she'll be right out. She has to change as she says she spilled coffee on herself... I guess on her socks b/c that's all she seemed to change.

Anyway, the air is tense. Then she starts talking about S11's day at school. He was sad in the morning so W informed the school of our separation in case he needs support. That's good I say. She says some other things and then laughs about finding $20 outside. I say s11 and I will get a desert. We laugh. A nice moment.

Then she's leaving to go back to work. She cheerily say's her transparency speech to me and S11... "I'm going back to work... then I have a doctor's appointment at 5:45 (her IC)... then I have to meet somebody in my office at 6:30. I'll be home by 8:30. Bye!"

And she leaves.

Meet "somebody." Mind reading. And she would enjoy it if I allowed that to be a dagger. So, it doesn't matter.

Almost out of here.

...

It would be amazing if we could ever be a couple again. We've been out of sync before... but now the vibration between us is really really severe. I feel my whole aura darkening when she's near. I can't imagine how she feels around me... although she seems able to act happy pretty well as she says she's been doing so for years. I wonder if she'll bring back a bottle. Likely she'll be having drinks after her IC.

...

Today I had a nice little fantasy of meeting a pretty woman living in the condo building while S11 and I are moving in. It's a big building... there must be a pretty single woman living there. We meet on the elevator. I tell her we are moving in. We chat. It's nice. She's exactly the kind of woman I like. She smiles and laughs easily. She's nice enough to come by later with a "welcome to the building" bottle of wine. We open it. Drink all of it. We talk more. It's really nice. We understand each other. She's smiling...

A really nice fantasy.

[JCred]

I am concerned about what I did this morning... the way I responded to W's "I'm so sorry let's be nice" VM with my "stop calling me" slap down. Right after I sent it, I found my "Please stop calling me" text kind of weak. I should have said something like "Thank you W for your VM. I appreciate you sharing with me. Now, no more calls or texts unless it's an S11 emergency. Thanks." I see now how wording is important.

You can also just stop listening to her voice mails and reading her texts while you are at work. You are playing into her hand. After work, read all the texts, listen to the voice mails and then just answer her in one text. Short and sweet..
Tell her you were busy at work and just read her texts and heard her voice mails. Busy men don't have time to fiddle faddle with personal stuff all day at work. Women are attracted to busy men who are going somewhere with their life.

Do you secretly like it when she keeps texting and calling you? If not, ignore them while work and and blame being busy at work for not answering her. This takes away the punitive portion. Answer AFTER work.. Or don't answer at all.....

[HPoirot]

Hmm... Something unexpected....

Just a few weeks ago... I believed was going to live with W for 6 more months. I thought I would have plenty of time to change and show her my changes. Like many newbies I was doing everything to impress W. Even worse at the beginning... my huge GAL explosion while looking for W to watch me. That weekend I did the weekend hackathon GAL that W said she felt so immensely proud of me for... W spent the night before with OM at his apartment. Me having s11 with me gave her more time with him. Imagine me doing that for 6 more months... dancing to catch her attention and make progress while she went off to spend evenings and overnights with her "girlfriend."

Now I'm actively frustrating my W. Not playing her gameplan, confronting her on her PA, exposing her lies, causing her to apologize to s11 for lying to him, causing her to make a promise to fix our family to s11 only for her to take it back, causing her to cancel her overnight and weekend plans with OM, causing her to move to the couch, surprising her by telling her she's not moving with us to the condo, making her "homeless", taking the car, telling her I'm done with her, making her cry, causing her "breakdown," taking all my money from the joint account away from her, telling her NO whenever she asks for help, refusing to let her in the condo, taking her drinks, causing her to act "transparent," taking away her family Christmas dream, and next I'm going to convince her that it is too late for her to get me back.

And, most interestingly, I'm getting excited about living my "not so married" single life. I have plans. I'm considering acting classes.

But now... the husband of a friend of W's sent me a message like "Sending you prayers and talk with me anytime." She's telling her friends.

I told some friends yesterday. I confidence told them she's having an A.

And I just now saw my W unfriended me on FB. Then she sent me a friend request. Then she took it back.

I'm not hurt badly. Of course that's the reality of this.

This is of course normal.

And, I know my life will be great... but I don't think my W will come back.

I'll live in the condo now for months. I'll see what she does now about sharing S11. I'll really move on.

But, right now, I'm hurt.

And I know she's hurt too.

I don't like any of this.

[Mozza]

I understand the urge to draw a conclusion: she'll be back or she won't. I do it all the time, and I mean probably 20 times a day. But this is a marathon, a game of patience. You don't have to know just now. Uncertainty is hard, almost unbearable to humans. But this whole thing is hard. We're put into an ordeal that we couldn't have imagined a few weeks or months ago. Yet, we survive. I know I'm a changed man with much, much more empathy than before, among many other improvements.

If you can, try to spend a single day not knowing, not guessing how it will work out. If anything, it looks like you're taking the right steps and I admire your courage. A lot of us here are following your sitch and learning from it. By the way, thanks for coming to my thread to share what you've learnt in my sitch. It's inspiring.