asked him to leave, but really want him to stay

[hope4]

Sorry, didn't post this in the right forum the first time - hope i didn't duplicate.

I informed my H that if he wanted a D, then we should not renew our lease together in 2wks. Now, today, Im a sobbing mess. I want him here, but it hurts too much to have him here. Previously, he said if he leaves, he is never coming back. Did I screw up the method somehow?

Back story...I originally chalked this up to a MLC. Our marriage suffered for the last year from emotional separation, lack of intimacy. He told me 4m ago he wanted to divorce - (while I was 8m pregnant). I had an affair long ago, and he has started an EA which he claims he can do because he claims he started pursuing her 4d after he told me he wanted out(he originally met her 2y ago). The past 4m have been full of passive aggressive cruelty from him and I don't want our boys learning that it is OK to treat women like a doormat. I have tried GAL - it is so hard with a new baby, new job, and holidays.

He stated 4m ago he wanted the D before the baby was born; now he wants us to go in mutually and waive the separation period. I just need him away for my own healing, it hurts to have him sleep next to me and flinch if I even brush up against him during sleep.

What is the next step? Waiting?
I'm already praying day and night

[FunDad]

If someone was in your house letting off grenades, I think it would be ok to let them live somewhere else to bring peace to the situation. The pain will subside eventually, just keep working on the detaching method. It does bring healing, but it's still going to hurt. No way around it, only through it.

Glad you are leaning on God. When the waves come crashing in, he's the rock that holds us.

[rd500]

Really tough sitch. I hope you have support because having a baby while going through this must be unbelievably hard. My thoughts are with you. Take care

[Zues126]

My advice would be not to make life long decisions out of emotions.

Personally I don't believe your H is really ready to be divorced. I say that because my STBX could've said many of the same things about me that you have said about your H. Yet in the end not only did I not leave her, I am here on DB forums.

So while he is having an EA or whatever, and making lofty statements, I don't believe he really wants the M over.

What I wanted when I acted that way was to be heard. I know I felt that my STBX was very dismissive. I felt like she neglected me for years and ignored me when I tried to communicate. Finally I felt the only way to be heard was to scream in a way she could hear. I did some of the same things. Then she and her family and friends decided I was a bad man and she needed to protect herself from me.

FWIW I regret the decisions I made and wouldn't do it again. But be careful. You must certainly protect yourself from abuse, cannot succumb to controlling behavior, etc. At the same time, if he hasn't always acted this way it might not have to be over. So I'd say slow things down, believe none of what he says and half of what he does, get support from loved ones that say more than 'dump this dud', and get a DB coach.

Ill stop there for now but want to bump this for the vets as well.

[hope4]

Thank you, Zues126, FunDad, and rd500.

rd,I thank God for the baby, while it is hard to look at what we created together, the baby is the reason I don't crawl back in bed every morning.

Zues, interesting to see the other side of it. I agree, I was dismissive and while my H had in the past brought up his "disappointments" in a confrontational way, I never gave them the importance they deserved.

Fundad, thanks for the link.

Sorry in advance if this is too long, but I'd love feedback if he is testing the waters, if I'm grasping, if its too little too late...

Shamefully, it took his announcement for me to atone for my sins. I started doing what I did at the beginning of our relationship- left notes, made sure to ask how his day was - simple things. I even apologized at the dinner table for setting a bad example as a parent on how not to treat someone you love.

He was receptive until he learned I had contacted the OW(she said she would step aside to see what God has planned- What!?) That night was when he told me to never touch him again. The following morning he told me he would never do such a thing to me, if I told him I wanted out and found someone else he would let me go. A tense,short conversation ensued where his final shot at me was "Where have you been for 13 yrs" and my reply was "right here".

Btwn then and now: He stopped wearing his wedding ring and has thrown out any cards, pictures, etc from me. We spoke with our Pastor. We took a family weekend trip in Sept, where upon returning he told me he was interested to see if there was some sort of spark and there wasn't. I replied that months of hurt weren't repaired in a weekend. We went to visit family in Sept, where upon returning I asked and he told me he wished I was the OW, and he hopes OW is waiting for him. In Oct, he contacted my MC to convince me it is over saying he is being mean because any act of civility will make me think there is a chance/hope. In Oct he told me he hates me and doesn't give a damn about my older sons - his step sons; and he doesn't care if the divorce is justified in Gods eyes. In Nov, he started driving places separate from the family. In Nov, he contacted legal counsel but no paperwork has been filed. For Thanksgiving which is always with his family, he asked me to stop by with the baby once they were done eating -I did. Other situations, but you get the idea of the digression.

For a while, I would still say good morning-to which I got no reply or just a grunt; I'd still leave post-it notes, that he would throw away; I'd try to incorporate him in the dinner conversation. Now, I'm merely trying to survive and don't do any of it. I will talk to him when necessary, and still include him in dinner conversations.

Yes, my emotions get in the way, every time.

Still no response regarding him moving out. Do I follow up in a week? Do I move his items to the basement? Change the locks? How forceful should I be?

(sigh-I was never good at chess)

[hope4]

FunDad,

Id appreciate your two cents on the article. I verbally apologized for being neglectful, and verbally apologized for giving my affections to another, to which my H responded that I was disingenuous. I then wrote a heart felt letter that I read to him apologizing for the emotional pain I caused expressing my foolishness, to which I got no response.

In the current SIT, I feel he is holding onto the pain purposefully. How do I forgive myself without his forgiveness? Does that make any sense?

[hope4]

tit-for-tat...

I asked him to move out, he filed paperwork for the divorce yesterday..

Not sure I'm surprised, I'm kinda numb even though it is what he has been asking for.

Things can still change, mountains can be moved, I'm still praying.

[Cristy]

Hi Hope4,

I am sorry for the situation you are in. The best advice I can give you is to speak with a Divorce Busting Coach today. Even though he has filed paperwork there is still much that can be done! Divorce Busting coaches will give you the best guidance on how to save your marriage and get things moving in a more positive direction. Please call me to discuss our coaching program 303-444-7004.

Cristy
Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004

[FunDad]

Oh God, I'm so sorry. I know how you feel. It seems that each step in this awful process is just another blow to your emotional well being.

Well, here is some Hope and advice for you Hope:

#1 - The legal system is very good at bringing civility to our relationship when we can't. I was impressed with my lawyer, her lawyer, and the community of lawyers I now know (unfortunately). The process is meant to bring equity to the entire situation including finances, kids, and living arrangements. Kids are #1 priority. Distribution of finances is #2, and splitting every thing up is #3.

#2 - Find an attorney who can work well with your H attorney. They do this all the time and it's shocking, but it's really no big deal to them.

#3 - I know for the LBS the pain of this is absolutely excruciating. But it will pass! It absolutely will. Practice your detachment, GAL, and PMA and you will be amazed at what starts happening for your emotional state regardless of what the WAS does.

As far as your forgiveness issue - Once you ask forgiveness of another person, if they choose to withhold that - That's on them, not you. When you ask for forgiveness, you put the monkey back on them. Love says that we all should forgive (notice I did not say forget). So just because he won't forgive you, does not mean you should hold on to it! Let that go! Just as you would forgive him without being asked to. Both situations release pain and guilt that we are not designed to carry around in our hearts. There is a new book out called the five love languages of an apology by Dr. Gary Chapman (same guy who did the love languages). It's a great read and goes into this concept in depth. It's one of the first things our last MC tried to help us with.

[hope4]

Thank you, FunDad.

Last Sunday was his last day in the home. It was painful to change the locks and tell my children he was no longer allowed in the home without me there.

Yes, sadly, I have found an attorney who understands my not wanting to let go, but having to.

The kids have always been my priority (part of our marriage issue) and I pretty much let him take what he wanted, I spoke up when I thought he was being unreasonable, but never argued. Tangible items aren't worth it to me, and it made an impression on the children when he still took the only TV in the house.

I am still working on the forgiveness, especially when I see how hurt the boys are. I feel I let their family fall apart. Perhaps I should ask their forgiveness and not my X. It is foolish for me not except the Lord's pardon, when that should be all I need.

Ugh! I know from reading, there is a ton of ridiculousness that will go back and forth. He actually asked if he can come over for dinner to be with the baby. Sounds nice and caring, but I feel there was a more sinister angle at play. I said yes, but afterthought tells me I should explain this is not going to happen regularly.

Thank you for taking the time to read.