The Black Knight Lost in the End

[uRworthy]

Heather, no one can take our power from us. We give it away. Dont. Take it back. It's yours. You worked hard for it.

I dont know what the right thing is for you regarding the divorce. I do know that the wrong thing would be to take what you think you can get and give up what you deserve. So, whatever you have to do to get what is rightfully yours, is what you should do. If that means postponing...its something to think about.

I understand completely what you said about Smokey. I allowed my xh to determine my self worth. I did it, though. I allowed it. Maybe I wasnt strong enough to combat it. I dont know.

What I know now is that we should be the only ones who determine that.

For years I heard my xh and my mother's voices in my head..you arent good enough, you arent capable, you arent enough.

I get why you do back to that way of thinking when he is in the picture. Its what you know. It's your comfort zone of sorts. You know how to do Heather in Smokey's eyes.

Going out of that zone is scary. I remember thinking...what if they were right? What if I'm not good enough.

Even though deep down I knew it wasnt true, it still gave me pause.

He cant hurt you anymore, Heather...unless you allow him to. I dont mean financially. I mean emotionally, mentally. He cant.

You cannot allow him that power any longer. He has no say in your life. He holds no weight. You make this new life. You. On your own. You.

So, take some time to think through it all. Pros and cons. As long as you make it from a place of strength, H. You are really strong, Heather. You know that.

Dont let this kneejerk reaction to Smokey derail you. Get back on track. Silence his voice. You can do it. I have not one doubt.

[BklynMom]

Your mother has the alanon disease - just cause she doesn't drink doesn't mean she is sober.

I agree with you. Don't worry about the retirement money. Just cut the cord so you can focus on your new wonderful life.

I didn't fight as hard as I could for some money I could have gotten. But like you I know that type of stuff overwhelms and rattles me. I lost out on about 40,000. But it wasn't worth it for my mental health.

There is nothing wrong with just taking the child support and moving on.

You can't continued to be distracted by his bs.

[StubbornDyke]

Smokey will always be making noise. That's hard. I get that. But, *you* are the only one who has control over your focus. You can't blame that on him. If you are tempted to give him that power, then it's time to get to a meeting. He isn't doing anything unusual or unexpected. It is your degree of focus on him that is causing you problems.

How about some mantras?

"That is just noise."
"I choose where to put my attention."
"I choose to focus on my work right now."

Hugs to you.

[LoisB]

Stubborn,

I'm really not blaming him as much as I see how I'm not managing this all very well. My main priorities, my job and D12 are suffering.

I don't do things half-a$$ed and that's what's happening right now. I'm doing a half-a$4ed D and a half-a$4ed job and I'm a half-a$4ed mom.

I'm going to end up with a half-a$4ed settlement and no job.

I've had a good night's sleep and more clarity than I've had in months.

Since we decided to move here...actually even before, I've been on auto-pilot. Just going through the motions.

I'm taking my life back. That's what this was all about in the first place...taking MY LIFE BACK.

And, strangely, I may need to stay married a bit longer in order to make the point that I will not submit to this insanity. I will remove myself and make this job a success.

At this point, life is back to outta control...just like Ohio. That's not why I moved.

When Heather tries to keep a million people happy, Heather goes a little bonkers.

Right now...

I'm trying to keep my atty happy.
My many, many bosses happy (there are about five men watching what I'm doing carefully at work)
D12
Etc...

I've lost my focus and I need to get it back.

I can't think of a more fun thing to do right now than say, "Let's stay married."

All that money you just spent? Bah. For today, give me my child support.

That's what I have instinctively felt about his D since the beginning. I went into my atty's office one year ago and told him that slamming Smokey with all of it at once will get us no where. He will fight back hard.

If, however, we give him the illusion he is getting his way...well, that's different.

I begged my atty to focus on the child support first. IN AN ENTIRE YEAR, THIS ATTY HAS NOT GOTTEN A STEADY CHILD SUPPORT PAYMENT. THIS AIN'T THE ATTY FOR ME.

[LoisB]

This is the email I sent my atty on Monday...

I'm working on my many questions. Do I have to have these done by 12-15?

What exactly is Dec. 15? Do I have to come?

I have an appointment with the Superintendent of our local school district this week regarding Louisa's homeschooling.

Should we go on the offensive with all these allegations? Do we ask him to name the "roommate" he listed on the paperwork and the nature of their relationship. I feel as if I'm opening the mailbox to one-after-the-other attempt to make me the bad guy. Do we send some letters of our own, or will the court see this is tit-for-tat? There's always drug testing if we really want to shut him down. I can't imagine he is getting through all of this without his coping mechanisms.

He is desperately trying to engage in conversations with the girls via texting.

I am on deadline today and tomorrow. I could talk on the phone on Weds.

Thanks,

Heather

I got a vague response to call him and that I had to be at the hearing. That was fresh news.

So, I got a little miffed and sent him this:

Before we talk, I need to know exactly which of the many issues I need to address with the most energy? What are my top priorities?

Am I going to be on the defensive this entire hearing? Will Smokey have to defend ANY of his actions? Do they have witnesses?

Please let me know before we talk.

Thanks,

Heather

I received this:

Dear Ms. XX (Never calls me by my first name),

I am in receipt of your email. All of the issues are important. We can talk about them on Weds. Kindly schedule a telephone conference.

Thank you.

xxx

[LoisB]

So far, everything I've done with this D has been in desperation.

Desperation to find an affordable atty.

Desperation to get some support.

Desperation to find a job and get D12 out of Ohio.

Desperation to file before we leave.

I haven't done any of this from a place of calm and I've expressed doubts about this atty from the start.

[Shining]

Hi, Heather,

I'm so glad you had a good night's sleep. You sound much better today.

I understand the pressures and fears when it comes to dealing with nasty D, attorneys, kids' needs, and work. I was once very much where you are, trying to hold it together and trying to run a business.

I couldn't keep everyone happy. I kept trying. I ache for you, friend.

I obviously don't have the custody and support fears now, as I did when I went through this with my kids' dad. However....I'm experiencing much more sadness and heartache this time around....

My daughter played this for me last night. It's an audio poem. At first, I didn't want to sit for 5 min and listen..... It was so worth it.

I immediately thought of you when I heard it, since I had been reading throughout the day.

I'm going to try listening to it every morning as I login. Reset myself for the days.

These holidays are kicking my a$$....

It's called Instructions For A Bad Day, by Shane Koyczan. Google or go to youtube.

(((((Hugs)))))

[job]

Heather,
I would have a very strong conversation w/your lawyer today and nip some of this bs. Divorce is very time consuming and ugly. The paperwork is lengthy and the negotiating takes time, but the discovery is normal. I will share this w/you...when I had my discovery questions done, I had my attorney come up w/the standard questions and then I provided some of my own. Did your h's attorney come up w/the discovery questions that were sent to your attorney? As for appearing in court, the court wants you there because the hearing is about child support, am I correct on that? If so, you need to be there to fight for your child. This is one area of divorce that I don't agree w/doing telephonically. You need to go there, be strong and be ready to fight for your daughter. If you don't, who else will do it? She needs every support dollar owed to her and it's no one's fault in your household that your h walked out and technically abandoned all of you.

I'm not here to rain on your parade today, but to give you something to think about. Here's the thing that may happen if you pull back. Your h may opt to go ahead and move forward w/the divorce, which means you would still need to be represented and yes, the issues that you have right now would still be on the table. Your h knows you so very well and knows that you stress easily and will give up easily when bombarded. He's counting on this. They all do this to us when fighting for money and what they think that they are entitled to. Don't let them see you sweat.

About work, time to call your team together and have a breakfast/coffee break meeting and lay it all out on the table that you want some help w/the proofreading, edits, etc. That as a team, everyone works together to make the team shine. Surely you have someone on the staff that can work w/you. Don't allow pride get in the way of asking for help. People are more receptive to help if asked and they will be more than happy to do so. Learn to ask for help. There is no shame in admitting you've got a lot on your plate and need help.

Your attorney has advised you that each and every issue is important and believe me, they are. They have to be addressed and today is the day to do them. Don't put this off. Get the issues out on the table today and tell him exactly what he needs to know. That will be one less thing to focus on. As for the discovery questions, answer a couple each night. Your h has already asked for an extension. Find out if it's been approved by the lawyers. If so, your extension should be approved as well. In my state, every has to deal w/discovery/fact finding questions. It's part of the divorce proceedings. I know you are taking the questions personally and I can understand that way of thinking, but it's normal/routine stuff to the courts. Look at the questions as part of a business deal gone sour and now the two partners have to go dissolve the company, nothing more.

Heather, you are not alone in this...many of us have gone through this. I know how stressful it can be, but you've got to go through it to get to the other side. Once you have, life will be so much better for you and the girls.

If you need some help w/the discovery questions, I'm available all day. You've got my number so call me and I'll be happy to return your call since I have phone service which allows me to call anywhere in the US w/o fees racking up.

[job]

One more thing, put that "little girl" who is hurt and wants to avoid conflict back in the box and put that box up on a shelf. It's time to pull the grown woman out of the box and show some anger over all of this. The anger will help spur you on and get through this. The hurt little girl is paralyzed and can't focus and is trying to be everything and please everyone. The only person that needs to be okay and pleased is yourself. You are number one and if you don't look out for number one, no one else will, not your family, friends or co-workers....it's time that Heather fight for what she wants.

[Lifes Twists]

Heather,

Unfortunately I am not sure I agree with Job this time. A year is a very long time to still be trying to get child support. To call your attorney for a phone conference will only rack up more charges with no guarantee that will be any further along now than you were a year ago when you requested he focus on child support first. I would question if he is truely working for you in your best interest. To me it does not appear to be the case.

I am also dealing with an attorney who is giving vague answers and dragging things out. I emailed my attorney yesterday at 6 am to request where he stands on reviewing the agreement and my changes. 2 weeks ago I had a one line sentence from him that he was starting to review it. It took me 15 minutes to review it since it is a basic cut and dry agreement that totally falls in my favor from her attorney. There is very little to change. I have yet to receive any response to my email. This is an ongoing pattern now and I will nip it in the bud at the end of the week. Friday evening if I have not received a acceptable responce I will fire him and finish this out representing myself with a coach lawyer.