I see in your signature that divorce is imminent. And that's not a bad thing if you think that's the best outcome.
I'm sure if I had busted my H's affair wide open, it would have stopped pretty darn fast. I also know that he never would have forgiven me for doing something he *should* have done on his own, as a man, with some integrity. (Whatever little bit of it he had left.)
It would have been embarrassing and humiliating for him. And it would have made him resent me more than he already did. What I ended up doing is telling him to get the heck out, end it IMMEDIATELY, or I was out of his life. He did both. Immediately.
Had he not... well, I'm not sure what I would have done. Probably would have outed them both and would probably be divorced now as well. And he might not have a job either. Or her.
Did I want to? Heck yeah! To this day I think that down the road I might still out Ho-Worker OW to her husband. If I get divorced. At that point, I'd have nothing to lose. "Revenge is a dish best served cold." And one day, I might want to serve her up a nice plate of revenge just when she's thinking she's gotten away with her crap.
Because, after all, doesn't OW's H have the right to know what a piece of sh*t he's married to? So that he can be on the lookout for more infidelity from her in the future?
Would I have wanted someone to tell me that my H was making a fool of himself with some fat slut at work and one of me in the process, since I was the trusting fool who believed in him?
But--I decided to take the high road. To act with integrity. To allow people to solve their own problems. To let LIFE mete out the consequences for bad behavior, so it can never be said that I was so lofty as to be Judge, Jury, and Executioner.
It is only because I STFU that my H not only ended his adultery, but he got into therapy and has finally started to do some much-needed work on himself.
Now, I don't have children, that might have factored into my thinking.
I just don't want HP to go all crazy and do something based in irrational emotions when it might be in HIS best interests to STFU and wait and see what happens next.
I guess what I'm saying is that setting boundaries is about you putting your foot down about what you will/will not tolerate, and acting accordingly, NOT forcing other people to do what you think they should. Believe me, they never thank you for your good advice on these matters.
Just my .02.
---(G)GGG
Me 54 Him 63 M 23 T 29 0 Kids Funny Farm of Rescues 12/12 OW-- 5/13 ILYBINILWY: A denied 9/13 Proof OW: ENDED 2/14 Got D papers on my BD I kicked him out for my sanity 9/14 He wants to "talk"?
I see in your signature that divorce is imminent. And that's not a bad thing if you think that's the best outcome.
---(G)GGG
That's just mean. Uncalled for if you ask me. I wouldn't be here if divorce was the best outcome. I've seen exposure work to end affairs many times over the past several months. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't. My personal research (following many threads on many different forums) suggested that exposure was more likely to achieve reconciliation. Was I wrong? Well there's no way to know now, is there? Just as there's no way to know if exposure would have worked when it wasn't tried.
I just hate to see "Mean" and "Goat Gal" in the same sentence.
I probably did come off harshly and didn't mean to.
Lately I have been giving a lot of thought to how we allow others to treat us, what constitutes a healthy, interdependent relationship, and which relationships need some serious wake-up calls on behalf of one or both parties to have any chance at all.
What I meant was, if a divorce is something you have decided is going to be best for your well-being in light of your circumstances, no one can blame you for making that decision. I would not advocate staying in a relationship or situation where you are not being treated with kindness and respect. I don't think anyone should for very long, which is why so many folks say it's eventually up to the LBS to make the decision on whether or not the M will go forward.
Many could stay in half-life marriages, trying to make the best of things, but at the expense of themselves, their values, and their self-esteem. Personally, I don't think that's a good thing.
So divorce, in some cases, (abuse, neglect, ongoing adultery, financial indiscretions, addiction, dishonesty, etc.) would be the healthiest outcome.
Many of us DBers make a conscious effort to give our wayward spouses the benefit of the doubt while they are in their wayward state; buying time, working on ourselves, sucking up a lot of STFU juice and CTHD cookies. But we are always cautioned to stay true to our values and behave in a way when we look back at our actions down the road we will know that we did the best we could, and that we acted with integrity and honor. ---------------------------------------------------------------------
If your religious convictions and personal ethics demand that you do whatever is required to stop your wife's adultery, then that is YOUR code of honor. If you felt it was necessary to expose the A because of your ethics, then the end result isn't exactly the point. You act from a place of your values and let the chips fall where they may.
However, the exposure may conflict with your ability to reconcile with her down the road because of added resentment. And as Wonka said, be careful that you are not creating an agenda for her. That puts your relationship as parent-child instead of spouse-spouse and is not a healthy dynamic.
I too have read other points of view (Marriage Builders, notably, I think) that advocate outing the affair early, and to everyone. It does have an impact, that's for sure.
But one thing that perspective assumes is that the wayward spouse still wants to be married, is remorseful, wants to save the marriage, and wants to make amends. In that case, they might still be attached enough to the LBS to be shamed and scared into straightening up because they don't want to lose their marriage for some stupid fling.
Which doesn't sound like most of the cases on this board, sorry to say. Many of the WAS here are either in MLC, or have decided they no longer want anything to do with us, which means ANY reason we give them to demonize us further will be used against us.
When I read "filed my response/divorce imminent" I ASSumed that meant YOU had decided that it was in your best interest to proceed. I'm sorry if I misunderstood that.
Most folks here are dragging their feet to buy time, no matter how much pressure our WAS are putting on us.
That said, there is ALWAYS hope. No matter what you do/don't do, it will be what it will be. Everyone here has hoped for the magic bullet at some point or another.
There is no magic bullet to save our M. And if that's true, then the opposite is as well. There is no one thing/series of things we can do "just right" that will fix everything either. (No matter how many times that needs to be repeated.)
So the most important thing in the end is, did you do the best you could with what you had to work with? Did you make decisions from a place of compassion and integrity?
That to me is the real benchmark for making decisions.
---(G)GGG
Me 54 Him 63 M 23 T 29 0 Kids Funny Farm of Rescues 12/12 OW-- 5/13 ILYBINILWY: A denied 9/13 Proof OW: ENDED 2/14 Got D papers on my BD I kicked him out for my sanity 9/14 He wants to "talk"?
GG, thank you for that. I see what you meant. No, I didn't file, she did. And yes, we share the same religious convictions, and she's a logical thinker, so if/when her affair ends she will understand why I chose to expose her affair. Right now she's engaged in behavior that contradicts her long-held religious convictions, so she's not thinking rationally. Whether she modifies her beliefs to accept her behavior remains to be seen...
M 16 T 17 W moved in w/ AP (OW) 5/14 ILYBNIL 5/14 A discovered 6/14 D papers served via USPS 8/14 Filed my response 9/14 D final 5/15...
Personally I have decided to put my well-being first, including choosing to live in accordance with my ethics, thereby putting my M second. This is not to say I have given up on it, or that I am done standing.
I am simply doing it in such a way that I do not compromise the person I want to be from here on out. Because who would I be if I let myself be run into the ground emotionally by someone who is making poor decisions, and living a life that conflicted with what I believe is right?
What kind of R could I have with anyone if I allowed myself to become someone I don't want to be? At some point, we have to be true to our best selves and allow life to unfold as it will.
Wonka and Train talked me down from the very same ledge not 24 hours ago. For me it wasn't exposure, but presenting W with an ultimatum.
Patience, grasshopper. She is emotionally all over the place; it's critical that you NOT be. Work from your intellect, stay cool, stay focused, as I tell my flight students; maintain heading, altitude, and airspeed.
My W can get downright cruel when she gets in a panic state. In the past she has attacked my worth as a husband and my very manhood. It has taken me a long time to see it for what it is...panic, fear, and loathing. Not of you, but of the situation...and herself.
I get your anger, trust me, I do! But she needs you to be the bigger man here. You do not have control over her. The more you accept that, the better off you will be. Be the best man YOU know how to be, regardless of her behavior.
Last edited by Rzrback; 11/28/1410:46 PM.
Ex Rzrback Me 43 Her 44 D11, D15 T21, M19 BD 9/9/2014 Piecing
Sometimes if you want to see a change for the better, you have to take things into your own hands - Clint Eastwood
Personally I have decided to put my well-being first, including choosing to live in accordance with my ethics, thereby putting my M second. This is not to say I have given up on it, or that I am done standing.
I am simply doing it in such a way that I do not compromise the person I want to be from here on out. Because who would I be if I let myself be run into the ground emotionally by someone who is making poor decisions, and living a life that conflicted with what I believe is right?
What kind of R could I have with anyone if I allowed myself to become someone I don't want to be? At some point, we have to be true to our best selves and allow life to unfold as it will.
--(G)GGG
I agree wholeheartedly.
M 16 T 17 W moved in w/ AP (OW) 5/14 ILYBNIL 5/14 A discovered 6/14 D papers served via USPS 8/14 Filed my response 9/14 D final 5/15...
OK I had a very bad hypocritical pity party angry day today. My head hurt all day. I did not do anything to stop it... did not take my son out the house... did not do anything except think about this mess and pace and feel angry. There was a lot to do differently to make today better. I have and can do better.
A night like this when W doesn't come home... when she cheerfully volunteers a story about where she says she's going and why she says she won't be home until the morning... when she cheerfully explains and even reads each text that she says she gets when she's sitting right next to me... I can handle these times better. I know they come and will continue to come and I can be ready and just do better... even and especially when she's not here to see me. Especially when my son is watching me.
...
I would like to learn more about how Ws think in these sitches. I find the explanations from everyone here about how WAW see these sitches as somehow comforting. Understanding what I'm dealing with helps me deal better.
...
She'll be back tomorrow. I'll just be the cool, collected, all-together guy that she'd be a fool to leave in the morning.
Thank you everyone for the comments and support. They were very helpful today. And I appreciate the conversation about exposure and MB. While the MB approach is attractive when I allow myself to feel hopeless and angry and vengeful... I take the arguments against all to heart and understand. I don't want my W to come back to us shamed. I want her to want to be here with us. To fall in love with us again b/c we're awesome.
So... back to focusing on taking care of me... on believing in my strength... on having faith in her... on feeling love for her.
Onward.
Me: 44 W: 45 S: 11 Married: 15 Together: 18 BD: 9/29/2014 OM discovered: 10/16/2014 I left her behind: 12/14/2014
