So I apologize upfront for the length - this isn't exactly a venting post - because I'm not really angry - but just something that provoked some thought
Finishing up the refinance of our house and last night I was putting away some of the financial documents and I found myself reviewing last year's tax return. Back when I was preparing the taxes in February - STBX explained that he had cashed in an investment account to help with moving expenses and the costs of getting all of his credentials updated in the state. At the time, I was a little surprised he hadn't told me previously (didn't really seem like him) but it was such a financial maelstrom to move out here - that it really didn't seem all that unreasonable and we talked about putting together a financial plan moving forward, so I left it at that, and of course at that moment, I was in a place of trust.
Now, in light of all the revelations that have come out since then, I realized that the numbers just don't add up and that, duh, he had used some of that money on the first OW. I'm not really angry or even surprised - isn't inappropriately spending family resources on an affair partner just sort of classic?
And then of course, I got to thinking about some other things. When he got the job with his current agency, there was a swearing in ceremony that I was going to attend with the girls, and he insisted that I not bother (he would be trying to get a better job soon). His sergeant invited us over to meet his wife and to play Trivial Pursuit and he declined on my behalf by saying I was too fearsome of a player for anyone to have any fun. Each of these things seemed mildly weird at the time, but I didn't give any of them much thought or attention. And now, when I add it all up, it sure seems like he was deliberately trying to keep me separate from his work life (which is 45 minutes away). I don't want to think he was planning to seek out a new affair - but now it sure feels that way.
This doesn't really change any of my feelings about STBX, I've truly dropped the rope and have no expectations about him, although it reinforces my skepticism about everything he says and does. I am , however a little sad about me. How could I have missed what was so blatantly obvious? Prior to all of this happening I would have described my husband as a goofy, sweet, honest, hard working family man. He may still be a hard worker - but how did I not see he had slipped so far from the other stuff?
How could I have missed what was so blatantly obvious? Prior to all of this happening I would have described my husband as a goofy, sweet, honest, hard working family man. He may still be a hard worker - but how did I not see he had slipped so far from the other stuff?
Oh, honey, me too. Last April, before BD, there was a fund-raiser walk that H was the chairman of. D12 and I showed up, went to find H (he was there early for the set-up) and he practically barked for us to get away from him, to "go mingle". I thought that was really odd. But it was just one event of many. I had my head stuck in the sand for such a long time.
I just read all of your threads and a couple of things stand out.
Early on you said you thought your husband was pretty stable, no childhood issues, etc. Then later (I think) you had some realizations about the type of men you gravitate to and you mentioned strong mothers. Later you mentioned that his mother is a very strong woman.
You also mentioned that your H was not a mature adult or something close to that. (I couldn't find the exact quote going back, so correct me if I'm wrong)
Putting all that together, what do you take away?
I thought it was telling that when you needed him to be strong, he didn't respond in the way you needed. It may be that when he saw you (the strong one) cracking, he was even more off-balance. "OMG, if she's scared, this must be awful."
What does all this mean to you? I don't know. I think you've already started to figure out their was a very real imbalance in your R. Doesn't mean he can't be a good father to your Ds but it will probably take him some time to grow in to that. He probably quickly agreed to the terms of the D because he knows you're the strong one and he just wants out. Cut and run.
Did the 2 of you ever talk about needs, emotional or otherwise? What was the division of labor like in the household?
What is his past R history like?
I think you're moving forward and making a life. That's good. Keep looking inward. As I've learned, it's all an inside job.
Last edited by labug; 11/19/1405:47 PM.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
I'm going to take these out of order and do the best that I can to answer - although there are some that I'll need to ruminate about further
Originally Posted By: labug
What is his past R history like?
He had one other serious girlfriend, but their relationship ended about 6 months after they moved in together (in their mid 20s). He never really talked about it very much except to say that she criticized him constantly. When we first got together, he said he had not had a girlfriend or been with a woman for 4 years, and I still believe him. One of the surprises about all of this infidelity is that he was so not a ladies man previously.
Originally Posted By: labug
Did the 2 of you ever talk about needs, emotional or otherwise? What was the division of labor like in the household?
Somewhat. He certainly talked about his desire to not be criticized. About 4 months after the birth of our second daughter, he said that I had criticized him every day for 2 weeks. I didn't really recall doing that (and he didn't give examples), but I knew that I was feeling pretty grumpy in general, so I did apologize unreservedly, and after that I made it a point to praise, compliment or thank him every day, and I kept it up.
I certainly told him that I needed to feel supported, and that I needed to know he had my back and that I could rely on him. This was fairly early on in the relationship. After that time, probably not so much. Also, this is awkward, but for the first part of the relationship, he rarely initiated sex. I did tell him that made me feel undesirable. This improved and basically went away once he started taking testosterone supplements. Recently, its been more practical things like "I need you to watch the girls for an hour at night so that I can exercise and lose the baby weight".
The division of labor was actually pretty fair. I did most of the cooking. He did yard work and we both cleaned up and did laundry. Neither one of us is really a neatnik. Because of his work schedule I probably had more child care, but not by much. I will say that he did seem a little overwhelmed by some of the household maintenance repairs and tasks. He spent a lot of his childhood working on his grandparents farm and his Dad built their house, but he himself doesn't really seem to have a lot of knowledge or skills. I kid you not, one of my first thoughts at BD, was that he was feeling overwhelmed by trying to build the treehouse.
Originally Posted By: labug
I just read all of your threads and a couple of things stand out.
Early on you said you thought your husband was pretty stable, no childhood issues, etc. Then later (I think) you had some realizations about the type of men you gravitate to and you mentioned strong mothers. Later you mentioned that his mother is a very strong woman.
You also mentioned that your H was not a mature adult or something close to that. (I couldn't find the exact quote going back, so correct me if I'm wrong)
Putting all that together, what do you take away?
Honestly, I don't know yet. I can tell you very definitely that I am not looking for someone to mother. I long for a partner in life, someone to who will enjoy the sweetness of life with me and who will share the burdens. STBX was sometimes that man, but not always. I did feel like he was really trying though, even when he didn't say what I needed to hear. I can tell you that all of these men made me feel appreciated and admired for the things that I like about myself and that was a big part of the attraction.
Doesn't mean he can't be a good father to your Ds but it will probably take him some time to grow in to that.
I should add here - His father was a long distance trucker for much of his childhood. My impression is that he grew up longing for his Dad to spend time with him and play with him. Certainly the issue about being criticized stems from his relationship with his Dad - he claims he was pretty critical. (I've never witnessed this, but I know the dynamics of parents with their adult children can be different anyway). To STBX, being a good dad, is really about having fun with the kids and keeping them entertained and up until now he has always committed the lion's share of his free time to doing this with them.
Generally speaking, I haven't been feeling a lot of anger towards STBX in the past month, but I guess he can still get to me.
He had an appt with his atty yesterday to review what he and I have already agreed to. I was a little nervous that he would come back with a whole list of things that the atty didn't like, and I confess to having checked my email pretty compulsively all last evening.
When I got up this morning - he had sent me a note explaining a few things the atty needs, but there weren't any unpleasant surprises. Then he ended the email with "There's probably more, but I'm really tired right now". His "being tired" has been a constant since he became a cop and started shift work. In the emails he has sent me since BD - at least half of them reference being tired. I am sympathetic, truly, and am well aware that I could never handle working a graveyard shift. I've always been supportive of this, constantly shushing kids because Daddy's sleeping and finding activities for us to do outside of the house so that he could sleep in peace. I've been fine with it when he missed family events because he was tired, etc. etc.
Now that I know he somehow found the energy to conduct multiple affairs, despite all the fatigue - I guess it grates on me to continue to hear about how tired he is.
Signed off on Refinance papers this morning (STBX signed yesterday afternoon).
In order to make up for suddenly becoming a single income household , I needed 4 things:
1. Refinance (complete) 2. File taxes as Head of Household)- STBX has agreed to let me claim the kids so I can do this. 3. STBX needed to help out with daycare expenses for D3 (he will do this) 4. I need a 8% raise - still working on this one but feel confident I can make it happen in the next year.
A little tired this morning because D3 threw up in my bed last night (nothing serious-just a cough that peaked at 2am). They are out of school this week and STBX will have them on Monday and Tuesday.
I think my posts have been a little STBX-centric this week - that seems like a sign to focus on a little more GAL. We're getting some much needed rain today so after I clean up all the laundry from last night, I think its a great time to start getting a leg up on the Christmas cookies with the girls. I bought a bunch of scrapbooking materials this week - and we will work on an album of the Disney trip.
Purchased some online courses to learn SQL and will start in on that this weekend. And also got some "Learn Italian" CDs to listen to in the car. That should keep my brain busy for a while.
The best thing about these forums is that ideas that never occurred to a person pop up in others' posts. I LOVE the idea of language CDs in the car to keep your brain busy. Oddly enough, my drive to work is where I do most of my "stewing" and crying and such and it would be nice to otherwise engage my brain, but I don't have a very long drive (only 15 to 20 minutes, depending on weather). I am going to look into some language CDs. I took French in high school and Spanish in college and I could certainly do with a little refresher and maybe even throw another one in the mix. Thanks for the idea.....would've NEVER entered my mind, but it would be fun.
Me 52, H53 Bomb drop 9/29/2014 Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014 Marriage #2 12/31/2019 5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships) 6 grandkids
A little tired this morning because D3 threw up in my bed last night (nothing serious-just a cough that peaked at 2am).
Well, that's two of us in the last month (can't they make it to the bathroom?)
I hope your weekend went well. Mine did. I think labug was hitting it out of the park with some of those observations up there - and your recognition that you needed to GAL confirmed it.
Have a great week!
Last edited by Shakspr; 11/24/1405:04 PM.
Me: 43 XW: 43 T15 M14 D21, SS15, S11, D8 BD: 8/6 EA / possible PA discovered 9/29 D final 10/20
