Maybell XXI

[Mozza]

Maybell - You've been there for a very long time and now you're exhausted. You must have turned every opportunity around in your head or at least feel like you did.

I'll just share a list of thoughts I had reading (and being touched by) your message.
- Reconciliation stories take on average 2 years. Letting go for real often seem to be part of the process.
- Make sure you don't underestimate or miss the positive signs.
- You can't live in limbo anymore? It's your call. Limbo is always hard, it's human nature. See if the relief is worth it.
- Are you on a no-dating policy because of your values or because deep down it feels like pulling away from your H?
- Do you have a plan written down, with objectives and monitoring as suggested in DR?
- You seem to set the bar for a partner at a height that your H currently can't clear. Is that on purpose?

[Maybell]

No dating because of my values. I don't want to be hurtful to a 3rd party. Also I am anxious about my safety.

I realize the reconciliation stories take 2 years. I am approaching two years since he started betraying me (that I'm sure of), but it has been much longer than that since he behaved in a way that showed he was invested in our marriage.

I don't have a plan written down because I'm not sure what that should look like. Maybe that's something I should revisit.

I have the bar set at a height that he can't currently clear? Here's what I want: someone who wants to be around me, who seeks me out on his own without being nagged, who takes a personal interest in me and my well-being, and who enjoys my company. I understand HE can't meet that bar at this time, because he chooses not to. But is that really such a high bar?

(I do recognize that there are some valid reasons why he might choose not to: a) interest in fantasy OW; b) the way I hollered for so long when he wasn't participating in repairing the marriage after I found out about her; c) complete confusion about who he is and why he was vulnerable to an affair; d) the quiet pleasure of being a part-time dad in a posh downtown bachelor pad with very little responsibility; e) belief that he never satisfied me, because he can't remember what it was like when we were happy together; f) the fact that I did nag when we were drifting far apart because I didn't have better skills for such a long time and I was terribly, terribly lonely)

I'm not asking in a snarky way. I truly welcome input. I recognize that I'm not exactly clear-eyed in this area.

[Ggrass]

All my h talked about ever is the 5 years or so he thought things were perfect.

For me they were hard work meeting his every need not getting much back, he was lazy in doing the work in the r. I see that now, hence I gained 30+ kg and felt 100 years old and exhausted.

Not to mention every to e he wasn't happy he kicked the $hite out of me all night. Often I suspect on purpose. He denied doing it, but he was frequently awake. Or seemed to be.

That's I suspect a reasonable bar. It is what you would need in a new r? Right?

[bravo61]

you left some things out of the bar comment that i'm sure you and the rest of us want:
ask about my day and be interested
say thank you for the simple things we do
mention the progress we have made on our foibles
not look at us like strangers
mention a good memory from us once in a blue moon
treat us as nice as you do strangers
pretend this is hard on you
smile at us in a genuine way

and many others...

[Maybell]

Here's a thing I'm grateful for.

September 2013, while my H was traveling for work, the kids and I were in a car accident on the highway. We were stopped for traffic and a very heavy pick up truck slammed into us so hard that I bounced forward and hit the car in front of me pretty hard. D11 was in the back bench of the minivan and could have died, but had just a few tiny cuts on the back of her neck from flying glass.

We had to take a cab home and on the way another car got rear-ended and the kids and I all burst into tears. The car was totaled but we went home, snuggled on the couch, and probably had pizza for dinner. Fortunately my brother still lived in the area and he helped me collect things from the van when it was in the lot waiting for the repair estimate. A few weeks later I got a check from the insurance company and replaced my totaled minivan with the exact same model, three years newer. Because it had saved our lives.

I won't talk about H and that episode, except to say that that was when the wheels really came off. But I am so grateful we weren't hurt. Especially D11. When I think of that day and what could have been... There was no back end left to my car. It is a miracle she wasn't hurt. I am very blessed.

[claire7]

Wow, Maybell. I'm grateful for you, too.

[bdub]

There are several sitches on here that involve filing for D to force a change in the status quo.
I am not advocating this, but is it worth considering? Would filing "shock" him into finally Stepping up and reevaluating his actions? It is a risky proposition. Is the risk worth the reward?

[Maybell]

No. I don't have that in me.

[labug]

Is there anything I can do to start getting my H interested in coming home?

And what do you mean by your last? That I'm not done growing? (Which I know) or that I'm not done with him?

I'm going to let you figure that out for you.

[labug]

Here's a thing I'm grateful for.

September 2013, while my H was traveling for work, the kids and I were in a car accident on the highway. We were stopped for traffic and a very heavy pick up truck slammed into us so hard that I bounced forward and hit the car in front of me pretty hard. D11 was in the back bench of the minivan and could have died, but had just a few tiny cuts on the back of her neck from flying glass.

We had to take a cab home and on the way another car got rear-ended and the kids and I all burst into tears. The car was totaled but we went home, snuggled on the couch, and probably had pizza for dinner. Fortunately my brother still lived in the area and he helped me collect things from the van when it was in the lot waiting for the repair estimate. A few weeks later I got a check from the insurance company and replaced my totaled minivan with the exact same model, three years newer. Because it had saved our lives.

I won't talk about H and that episode, except to say that that was when the wheels really came off. But I am so grateful we weren't hurt. Especially D11. When I think of that day and what could have been... There was no back end left to my car. It is a miracle she wasn't hurt. I am very blessed.

What's the mention about H and then "I won't talk about H."

I'm grateful that you were all physically uninjured.