I wrote a post last week about how I thought I'd been failing miserably at letting go with S21 when in fact I had let go each time, just from a different place.
I'm sorry I missed that part of your thread. I do try to follow yours too but I must have missed it.
Quote:
I realized some years ago that I had married my H, and his family, because they seemed so normal, almost TV quality normal. smile No one ever raised their voice, everything always looked in place, very little outward show of emotion. Seemed so calm and peaceful. (of course I found they weren't as perfect as I thought, just different)
YES.
Then I realize 2-3 years in to our marriage how big a role drinking plays in his family. And his dad is HORRIBLE to his mom and when she stands up for herself and it turns into an argument all the kids flinch and say "She always walks into it, when is she going to learn to not goad him that way?"
My H told me to shut up one time, in a very contemptuous voice, when we'd been married about 2 years, and at first I laughed, like I deserved it, and then about 30 seconds later I realized what had happened and I raised a huge objection and he apologized and it never happened again. But it makes me wonder if the seeds are in there and he's just more controlled about not letting them out.
It's coming up on 2 years since he started the A. Almost a year and a half since I found out about it. No end in sight at all. I don't want to live like this for another year.
My friends are telling me that he's living awfully comfortably, that he got to just walk away from most of his responsibilities and left me holding the bag and covering everything, and that he's just going to continue to live like this until he gets a shock to realize that he's losing me or I give up and file so he doesn't have to be the bad guy. This seems accurate to me.
I really don't want to live like this anymore. Where I won't date because it goes against my values, but he dates if he wants to (or at least keeps that option open), doesn't have any financial ramifications to maintaining two households, and only has to show up for stuff when I tell or ask him to. He doesn't keep the kids' calendars, doesn't know any of their doctors or Scout contacts, to my knowledge hasn't signed up for school emails, and told me he'd "help" with the childcare (financially) when I got a job as though he were doing me some sort of favor.
Something needs to change. I feel like I'm in a holding pattern at his mercy and I can't live like that anymore. I don't want to be basing my life on whether or not he's going to change his mind about us. D11 just told me that he's gotten more furniture and set up his apartment for the long haul.
I don't want to divorce but I don't want to live like this anymore. What are my middle ground options? I have done this long enough. Beyond long enough. I feel like I'm going through BD all over again. How do I peel myself away from him?
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
That I'm a valuable human who gets to determine her own worth based on her own criteria. That I will sometimes mess up but if I own my mistakes and they don't outnumber the good things I do then it's OK. That I'm sufficient on my own and that if I'm in a relationship with someone it ought to be mutually uplifting -- frosting for all.
If my H and I are over, then we're over. I can't make him see me as frosting if he's determined to see me as Spam.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
I think it was on someone else's thread that I told the letting go experience.
You say you don't want to do this anymore, what's the alternative as you see it?
I will hazard a guess that your friends want you to be OK, then they can be OK. No one but your H knows what he's thinking or more importantly, feeling.
Your H had a crappy upbringing. He had poor role models. He may think he's just crap and not good enough for what he has. I would guess his need to work, work, work is part of that.(probably as accurate as the viewpoint of your friends.) He may never come out of it, but I can tell you this, if he does it won't be a quick, "I should have had a V-8" recovery.
You may not want to hang around for all that and that's fine but what is your plan for Maybell?
Often I would get caught up in my H's stuff to stop looking at me for a moment. So I spent time worrying about/blaming something I had no control over.
Take what you can use...
Last edited by labug; 11/23/1403:33 PM.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
That I'm a valuable human who gets to determine her own worth based on her own criteria. That I will sometimes mess up but if I own my mistakes and they don't outnumber the good things I do then it's OK. That I'm sufficient on my own and that if I'm in a relationship with someone it ought to be mutually uplifting -- frosting for all.
If my H and I are over, then we're over. I can't make him see me as frosting if he's determined to see me as Spam.
I think that last sentence is the crux. You can't make anyone see you as anything. It's like we keep waving our arms, "look at me, I'm over here, pick me."
Getting past that is a real point of growth. Your assessment of you should be enough. People can take it or leave it but you continue to be you because you are happy and secure in who you are.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
I don't want to divorce him. I want to reunite. But that appears to not be my call.
I don't have a plan for myself but I don't want to live in limbo anymore. I want to be in a loving relationship or to be free to live in a loving relationship.
On the other hand, I'm so hyper attuned to other people's responses to me that I'm not sure I ought to be thinking about a relationship.
Honestly, I don't know how to make a plan for myself. I can't fathom myself truly alone. I have felt so alone for so much of my life with all the constant moving that the idea of being single is almost catastrophic.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
People can take it or leave it but you continue to be you because you are happy and secure in who you are.
I almost wrote "except that I'm not."
But that's not quite accurate. The truth is, I'm lonely. I want to be with someone with whom I don't have to be constantly monitoring whether I'm good enough. Someone who I know for sure will give me the benefit of the doubt when I stumble.
At this moment, reading that I wrote that, I realize that's another way of saying "I want someone else to feed my sense of being enough," but I don't know how to accept myself stumbles and all. I don't trust myself yet, I guess.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
Maybell, being single is not catastrophic, but wasting the rest of your life on someone who doesn't love you, stumbles and all, would be. You're right -- you don't need to look to others to complete you, and you might not be ready for a relationship until you feel whole within yourself. There's no rush, and no time line. You will evolve at your own pace. It's natural to feel lonely, to long for a partner -- we have all been there. But keep up the self-awareness and practicing gratitude for what you do have in your life, and look for ways to demonstrate to yourself you own sense of awesomeness and self-worth.
Last edited by Ahoy; 11/23/1405:20 PM.
M: 43 H: 39 D: 14 Married 15 Together 16 BD: 6/2014 S: 8/2014 OW revealed 10/2014 Instigated dissolution 12/2014, in progress So over it!
Is there anything I can do to start getting my H interested in coming home?
Maybell, do you think there is anything you can do to interest your husband in coming home? I mean that sincerely, and not in a rhetorical way, as you know your husband better than any of us and better than you friends do. If so then I would say stay the course.
But if you think its more of a question of him needing to realize that the semi-bachelor/workaholic lifestyle may not be as satisfying as he thought - then there isn't anything you can do, short of consistenly showing him the better alternative of being a full part of your family again. And while most of us would say its obvious that the family life is better - theres always the possibility that for him its not.
Maybe its a moment to think about what you need vs what you want. You say you don't want to live like this anymore and that something needs to change. You obviously don't "need" your husband back (you're seem very capable without him), but you understandably "want" him. What do you really need at this juncture? Do you need some more structure in your situation (a formal, legal separation with his childcare responsibilities spelled out, etc). You have a lot of say in getting what you absolutely need. Achieving what you want at this juncture probably requires more change/input from him. Just my .02
