Wait, I'm rereading the post and I realize... yes, I'm tired of the situation. No, I don't have anything to say to him at the moment because the things I would like to say to him can only be said to someone with whom I have a close relationship. And yes, I'd still like to make the marriage work. But I'm not going to throw myself on railroad tracks to make that happen.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
I threw myself under the train, it was ugly it was painful and devastating. No one understands why I cannot be his friend while he's in an a. Don't think ill ever be a true friend again to the man. He treats all female aquaintence that get close as ea.
Not a position I want to be in.
M 46 h54 Both married before T 11y Bd 2/14 I must see where ow leads! Ms 18 hs 26
I don't know if it's because I'm just SO tired or what... But in the last few days I find things popping out of my mouth that sound just a tinge rude. I don't mean them to, and they're usually quick little innocent things that once they're out I realize sound just a shade spoiled, but it makes me uncomfortable to not be in control like that. It's beginning to worry me.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
Just in general, or in particular situations or surroundings?
Me 47 - W 35 M 9 - T 10 2 Daughters - 7 & 9 Discovery of EA- 8/4/14 S - 8/5/15 D mentioned - 9/11/14 R & Piecing - 3/17/15 Regard one another as more important than yourselves. - Philippians 2:3
This is a long answer, but hopefully it will have some usable insight...
Growing up when we were moving around, my parents did two things that really impacted me a lot that I've been trying to cope with for many years.
The first was, they told us that we needed to stay close to them and listen to them really well, because they were the only ones who would ever love us and we needed to not alienate them.
The second was, bad-mouth my extended family (grandparents & aunts & uncles) a LOT. They criticized them constantly. My aunt's favorite color is orange? Well, that's ridiculous? Who likes orange? (I do... but I wasn't willing to admit it to myself till I was almost 30). They criticized everyone CONSTANTLY. They talk too loudly. Think too highly of themselves. Never have X. Always have Y. Who puts raisins in the Thanksgiving stuffing? Constant, constant, criticizing and complaining.
Of course I was like them for a long time, till in high school I started paying attention to how people responded to me and realized that I wasn't winning any popularity contests by acting that way and I really tried to change my behavior to be a better person. More open, more accepting, more empathetic and compassionate. It took years of effort to make that kind of behavior habitual.
I think some of my worst self was left for my H to experience.
College was NOT good for me. I felt really unattractive also was told I was by my dad; when I gained a lot of weight he scowled at me and then when I lost it he told me "I thought I'd never have a thin daughter again." My value to my parents was never about me being intrinsically lovable. I had a bad boyfriend for two years who would certainly have become physically abusive if I'd stayed with him.
Well, my H and kids are on their way over so I'll have to finish this in a little while. But trust me, I'm not rehashing this for no purpose... I'm going somewhere with it.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
I'll finish my dissertation in a few minutes, but I just wanted to say... H just dropped the kids off and it was all I could do to not burst into tears and ask him to just please come home. Could someone tell me what happened to my detachment? Why can't I just let go?
I HATE being separated and I don't understand why we are. It seems so senseless. The A seems to have been a response to all the very stressful events leading up to our move here, including the move itself, and the separation was a combination of him wanting the OW and my doing all the wrong things in insisting that he work on the marriage. I don't want to be separated. I love my husband and I want him to want to come home, and for us to work on rebuilding our connection. Can someone please tell me if that is ever going to happen? I'm lonely for him.
He brought kids home a couple of hours early because S8 was throwing up and wanted to come home. Ought I to have invited him to stay and look after S8 so he could feel more comfortable about his well-being?
Did I make things worse by being sad when he left?
I really just wish for a crystal ball. I don't want to cope with this problem anymore.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
I'm sorry, hon. You're right; these situations are so tiring and you're allowed your ups and downs. You are not super Human. There will be good days and there will be bad days. Be kind to yourself.
I totally understand where you're coming from, having an intellectual side that gets angry at your emotional side. It's no picnic, that's for sure. Hang in there.
ME: 38 BF: 40 T: 10y, no kids, no M (by choice) BD: 7/14/14, BF admits to PA, wants out, lies about new R. 10/1/14: I move out, BF lies about move in with OW 12/4/14: OW confronted, reveals all the lies
The constant criticisms told me that there was a LOT of unacceptable behavior and opinions in the world and I would have to tread carefully to avoid being unacceptable myself. This was important because my parents told us that a successful family was one where all the members were the same. And I needed to be the same as them or nobody would love me. See where I'm going here?
Also my parents really wanted a super popular, graceful, smart prom queen who beat the boys off with a stick. That's not me at all. But I did start dating at 14.
Fast forward to college and after... I lived life with SO many shoulds. I was depressed for a long time after I dumped the bad boyfriend and even briefly sought counseling, but I didn't keep it up. I was such a mess for a really long time. I thought I was pulling it together after but I was just papering it over. I didn't believe I was able to do the things I cared about, and I believed I ought to just know how to do things that, in reality, I needed to learn to do. I felt like I was going through the motions of being a real person, that everyone else had it together and I was bluffing my way through life.
All of this is to explain that For a very long time I was conscious of feeling like sludge at my core. when I fell in love with my H, and he loved me too, I thought my sludge had finally turned into gold.
Over time, for a number of reasons, my sludge turned back into sludge and it probably hurt my H too. Now I feel all that sludge again, just like I did before I met him, when I was 22.
Am I at square one?
I'm watching how people respond to me really closely again, back to beating myself up when they don't always respond to me positively, giving ten times more weight to one mildly negative interaction compared to 50 positive interactions, worrying way too much about other people's sandboxes, worrying that my H will never love me again and neither will anyone else.
What's wrong with me? Why am I back in this place? Surely I know better by now?
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
The constant criticisms told me that there was a LOT of unacceptable behavior and opinions in the world and I would have to tread carefully to avoid being unacceptable myself. This was important because my parents told us that a successful family was one where all the members were the same. And I needed to be the same as them or nobody would love me. See where I'm going here?
Fast forward to college and after... I lived life with SO many shoulds. I was depressed for a long time after I dumped the bad boyfriend and even briefly sought counseling, but I didn't keep it up. I was such a mess for a really long time. I thought I was pulling it together after but I was just papering it over. I didn't believe I was able to do the things I cared about, and I believed I ought to just know how to do things that, in reality, I needed to learn to do. I felt like I was going through the motions of being a real person, that everyone else had it together and I was bluffing my way through life.
I'm watching how people respond to me really closely again, back to beating myself up when they don't always respond to me positively, giving ten times more weight to one mildly negative interaction compared to 50 positive interactions, worrying way too much about other people's sandboxes, worrying that my H will never love me again and neither will anyone else.
What's wrong with me? Why am I back in this place? Surely I know better by now?
Maybell, I could have written a lot of this post.
I too lived with a family that thought that we had to all be the same. I've been able to put that idea away, but perhaps too late for my WAW, who's terrified that her staying with me means we'll have a life like that of my parents, whom she despises. (And I'm no huge fan of them myself)
You've got to love and respect yourself before anyone else will. I didn't for much of my marriage and I'm reaping the whirlwind. They key to success here, whether that success is you piecing your M back together or moving on to your vision of a happy life without your H (both of these scenarios are success, in my book), is that you will love yourself regardless. Do that and you will attract people that truly enhance your life. And hopefully that includes your H.
It's very hard to remember that all the time. I slip up too, we all do. I have to deliberately remind myself that I am worthy of love and respect all on my own, whether my W thinks so or not. It seems contrived and artificial at first, but becomes more natural with time.
Grace and peace to you
Last edited by Rzrback; 11/23/1402:44 PM.
Ex Rzrback Me 43 Her 44 D11, D15 T21, M19 BD 9/9/2014 Piecing
Sometimes if you want to see a change for the better, you have to take things into your own hands - Clint Eastwood
Maybell, sometimes it suxx. But it will be better again.
I doubt that you're back at square 1, you just haven't dealt with everything you need to deal with around your family of origin. I wrote a post last week about how I thought I'd been failing miserably at letting go with S21 when in fact I had let go each time, just from a different place. It's a process, most things are.
My family history is much the same as you describe. Thinking of it now it gives me a cold shiver. Blech. Not that there weren't good times but the constant feeling of not being good enough overlays it all.
I realized some years ago that I had married my H, and his family, because they seemed so normal, almost TV quality normal. No one ever raised their voice, everything always looked in place, very little outward show of emotion. Seemed so calm and peaceful. (of course I found they weren't as perfect as I thought, just different)
That was a big load to put on my H, to fix me, and I didn't even realize that was a part of the dynamic until I was ready to unpack all my family stuff.
We have to work through our stuff and sometimes we can only do it in manageable chunks otherwise it's too overwhelming.
So don't look at this as back at square 1, just a different starting point. If we plotted your progress on a graph, you'd be trending upward.
Trust the process. Ask yourself, what do I need to learn here?
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
No one ever raised their voice, everything always looked in place, very little outward show of emotion. Seemed so calm and peaceful. (of course I found they weren't as perfect as I thought, just different)