Just come back from my trip – had a lovely time and it was great to spend time with my friend before I leave.
Unfortunately it was slightly marred by H popping into my head at the end of the first day and he never really left it. It was my first proper trip away since BD and we would normally text in the evening to tell about our day, then when I got home I had no one to share my adventure with which I found really hard.
I really wanted to contact him but I did not give in to temptation, I know that I would come out worse off if I did – rejected and upset – so I resisted. I have had the desire to speak to him for the past few days, but I have remained resolute and strong. I had hoped that after a few weeks I would no longer have the need to hear his voice :o( It was easier at the beginning and getting harder as time goes on – I thought it was supposed to be the other way around !!
My S17 rang H tonight to tell him about being accepted onto his course and getting the scholarship. H didn't ask to talk to me – asked S if I was in the room (s was prepped to say I was having a bath; I wasn't) and then asked how I felt about him (s) staying in NZ, was I ok about it.
I was sad that H didn't want to talk to me (I know I am doing the NC thing, but that’s not the point!), he is not wanting contact with me anymore which is fairly new. It’s been a month since his last email. I have not verbally spoken to him for 6 weeks. He didn't pick up when S rang him, but he rang back within a minute – it would have come up as Home Phone on his mobile, so I was surprised he rang back so quickly as he didn't know which one of us was ringing him – I am trying not to read anything in to that, but surely he must have been prepared for it to be me ………
This weekend I miss him. I miss us and I miss my old life – it felt safe. I am floundering around, no clue how to be me and who I actually am, no idea what I am going to do and how I going to live; financially, physically and mentally, without him supporting me as the old him did.
Cadet quoted Job saying that a MLC’er has been abducted by aliens and are orbiting earth on a spaceship – I feel like I am on an alien planet, clueless on how I got there, how am I going to get off it and what the heck am I going to do to survive !
Friends tell me I am doing really well, that I come across as focused, capable, confident and brave – I don’t see it, but if that is the case, it is all a front. Inside I feel a mess, like I am going insane sometimes, I am hurting, sad and lonely, I am scared and live in fear of my unknown future.
I can’t believe I will ever get over him, and this. I feel overwhelmed and out of my depth. This is a struggle. Every day is a struggle to keep moving forwards when I really just want to curl up in bed and not move. Every day it’s a struggle to keep distracted enough to remove him from my head, everything I do seems to have him there. Every day I make myself say positive things, think about goals, and make decisions which don’t include him. And every day it gets harder. I keep being told to Keep Going, that it will happen, that positive happy day will come – but keeping the faith is a challenge at the moment.
Today I feel like I want to put my ring back on. After all I am still his wife – even though he decided otherwise; I have no intentions of having anyone else in my life so I question why I took it off – maybe to feel like I had some control over something – only I could decide to remove it. I miss it being there and feel that by taking it off I have given up on my R.
3 days of bottled up emotions = explosion. New experiences have triggered off a response – just not the one I thought I would have.
Sorry for the negativity – I am sure it will pass soon. Thanks for listening :o)
I think the enormity of what I am about to do has just hit me. I about to leave the freakin' country - my children and my H; what the heck am I thinking! Stress levels are starting to rise and I am trying really hard to remain strong and ride past these wobbles and doubts that I am now experiencing.
Today its worse as I am feeling - He is really going to let me go, he is going to let me leave the country.
When I made the decision it was about me being in control over something in my life - a reaction to what he was doing; a big reaction to him replacing me so quickly. I felt I couldn't go through this on my own, that I needed help and support to help me heal, reset and refocus. I was in a total panic.
I was so sure it was what I wanted to do and that my reasons were solid. But then after he had a yo-yo moment in October I started a stupid fantasy in my head that he would stop me, he wouldn't let me go as he had shown me that even when he was with her he had had thoughts of me and us -
In reality it was just doubts in his head that he was doing the right thing and once he saw me and realized he still had no feelings -LYBNILWY - he knew he had made the right choice to leave and is now getting on with his life - back to her, back to living it to the fullest.
But here I am, my belongings are being picked up on Wednesday and I am a couple weeks from leaving myself - total silence from him, he is really going to let me go. He has no desire to stop me.
It hit me yesterday that this was really it - he has closed the door on us. Obviously denial has been quietly simmering in the background and now I am going through the pain and panic of realization of the reality .....again ...... washing machine on spin cycle ahhhhhhhh
It has not helped that S17 is now staying and my family have gone in to overdrive back in the UK, its all way too much. It going to be hard enough facing everyone as it is, all the questions, the sympathetic looks and talks - its going to be reliving it over and over again. Plus I have all the memories of us there, its where we met, its where we got married.
OMG what was I thinking, this is sounding more and more like the most stupid idea I have had since he left
Don't mind me. Just needed to tell someone what was going on in my head. Get it out.
So many changes in a short space of time, so its understandable that I feel like I am caught in a tornado some days. Currently feeling down, but I keep going, I have no choice, life stops for no one.
You are going to be fine. You are having last minute jitters and the fear of the unknown is eating at you. Breathe! Once you are back in the UK, give yourself time to grieve. Right now you are operating on automatic pilot and w/the holidays coming, well, it's going to be a lot of running here and there and everywhere. If you can tolerate your family being around you a lot this holiday season, by all means allow them to be there for you.
As for your h coming to rescue you and tell you stay, he's in MLC and it's going to take a while before he realizes that you've actually moved and wont' be returning. Your son can call you or even come to visit and vice versa w/you.
Please try not look at this as a crazy idea or your part because truly it's not. You are returning to the family fold, so to speak, where you will have plenty of support. I look at this as a new page, new chapter in your book of life. Get ready to open the book to Chapter one and start filling up the pages w/new adventures and experiences. You just never know what the man upstairs has in the way of good things coming your way.
It's going to be okay! Breathe!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Lou, I get how you feel, I truly do, like only someone who has felt the same way can! We all have had these moments....every one of us! You can and you will get past this. You must for your your sake and you S's sakes. I know it hurts and I won't lie and say it won't. But the hurt will lessen over time. The trick is to keep going through the pain. We are all dealing with the consequences of other peoples selfish actions. What makes it worse is it is the person who we trusted and loved most whose actions have caused this. That is a lot to deal with, I know all too well. Just keep going and feel the emotions but let them go. Each day you will become just a little bit stronger as long as you keep moving forward. You can go away on your own. You can deal with everyone in the UK and you may find once you are there that they can be helpful and supportive. It's the thinking what may happen that is worse than what you will find once you are there.
This too shall pass, Lou. You can and will make it in the end!
I know I need to do this as its me doing something for me and it doesn't matter what comes next; as I have discovered over the past 6 months, things evolve and change daily, so I need to learn to let go and go with the flow - easier said than done most of the time !!
I am pleased I did not give in to contacting him, I feels good to have stayed resolute as I know I would have regretted it.
I feel 6 months feeling like this is a long time, but i am told otherwise and that I have a long ways to go yet....... great!
Got an email from H today. Heart pounding as I opened it as I never am sure what I am about to find.
Anyway, it was ok. S17 had contacted him about the course and he just wanted to tell me that he does not think its a good idea and feels S should come to UK to see what there offers.
He also wanted to discuss S x2 birthdays next yr as I wont be here and they are big ones.
I have replied, kept it to the point - said I was proud of S17 for getting off his butt and making something happen for himself and that if things don't work out then coming to me is still an option for him. (I did not mention I am thinking of coming back to NZ)
I signed off by saying it was nice to hear from him and hope all is good in his world.
Trying to keep expectations at zero - but first contact in a month - feeling a little unsettled by it ... he still has that affect on me, even with a boring email !
LouR, Psst! He's going to have that affect on you for quite some time. Why? Because you don't have a clue what to expect from him. It's okay...that normal for us!
If your S17 is content to stay in NZ and attend classes there, then so be it. At least you've left the door open for him if things don't work out. Your son knows you are there for him no matter what. BTW, I wouldn't tell him that you may return to NZ at a later date.
I think your response to your H was nice as well as pleasant.
Continue moving forward. How's the packing coming along?
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Got a reply from him - just being a bit more ok with S decision to stay after he read what I said about it.
Also told me his work is busy, the crazy season is in full flow !!
I am not reading anything in to the contact or the content - he asked no questions for me to reply to so that's it until the next time.
Did feel a little skip when on both emails as he put an x after his name, which he hasn't done since he left - but yes I know - zero expectations - he most likely temporarily forgot who he was talking to.
At least I know communication is not completely dead.
Packing - hmmm, thought that was under control - ie done. But now s is not coming I have a couple of empty boxes - just wondering what I can stuff in them and can I get away with it not being on my customs forms ....... Yeah, why not, what is the worst that could happen lol.
Just had a Miranda moment - the image of my innocent boxes of crap being surrounded by a SWAT team at the port - made me smile (Do you get Miranda in the US?)
(Do you get Miranda in the US?)