Busting this Divorce - Separating

[HPoirot]

My First Thread

My Second Thread

My W asked me today if I still want MC. I said, no mc unless your A ends. She said she thinks separating is best like she said all along. I said I will not stand in your way as I've said many times and that I will talk.

Now I'm here with her text response... "Separating doesn't mean we don't work together or go to counseling."

Didn't I just tell her no counseling under A circumstances?

I'm feeling frustrated and not very hopeful. Even so, I feel like I did the right thing and I feel very fortunate to have the support here. Just having faith. I want my marriage be renewed and grow strong and beautiful from this. This is easily the hardest thing I've ever done.

Now she texts me... "And I don't want to do anything until we are better financially. We don't have to move right away. We need to support each other's endeavors... it's our boy's future. So school tuition and back taxes are paramount. I am committed to supporting our work to manage all of these issues. And to supporting you and your new business."

All this goodness and support while she goes off with OM now and then. This is still a tough pill. A tough pill. She does not know I saw some of their email exchanges. Does not know I know they meet. Does not know I can finish OM's career with one email. But all that is my problem that I created for myself.

I want to save this marriage somehow. I want my wife to love me again. I want the kind of life that she wants... full of passion and intimacy and happiness.

That is not my life now. This sitch is my life now. Head down then.

I guess I have to validate what she said somehow. What to say? I guess at some point I need to be able to DB speak for myself.

[Starsky309]

I haven't followed your sitch recently, but if that doesn't work for you, I suggest you respond "I"m sorry, that doesn't work for me. I think we each have different ideas of what 'supporting each other' looks like, but with the common goal of doing what's best for S11, always. We'll talk more about this all in the weeks ahead, I'm sure -- gotta run."

[Wonka]

HP,

You still can save your M if you follow advice given and stick to general DBing principles.

You can respond to W:

"Thank you for sharing your thoughts. I think it's best to hold off on texting until you get back and then we can discuss some of the issues you raised. You are correct that our focus needs to be on our son. Again, thanks."

See? You can keep it simple and to the point without validating or agreeing to W's POV.

[Wonka]

I haven't followed your sitch recently, but if that doesn't work for you, I suggest you respond "I"m sorry, that doesn't work for me. I think we each have different ideas of what 'supporting each other' looks like, but with the common goal of doing what's best for S11, always. We'll talk more about this all in the weeks ahead, I'm sure -- gotta run."

Hey I love you, Starsky. But I disagree a bit with the bolded section. The goal is not to have the communications escalate. It is important that HP nip the potential in the bud and defuse it quickly. I am generally not a fan of having a serious "talk" through texting.

It is paramount that things don't get out of hand through texting and leave a very bad feeling in W's mouth which will only serve to reinforce her view of why separation is best. Don't give W any more ammo. Short & simple.

In fact, this is a crucial time for HP to use the time apart to get back to his center and not think about W while she's away on her trip. I mean, HP is all wound up as it is.

[HPoirot]

Thank you Starsky and Wonka. I am of course glad she not running away leaving us in financial ruin. I am glad she's making a show at responsibility. But you're right Starsky... NONE OF THIS WORKS FOR ME! Trying to find the balance between DBing and feeling like a doormat is still tough for me. I prefer your words because they are true for me.

Even so, my experience so far has shown me that I must dial myself way back if I'm to have a chance. Her cooperation talk does make me angry... but I can see the positives in her texts in regard to my goal if I try to. I do want her to know how incredibly disappointed in her I feel and I do VERY MUCH want her A to end ESPECIALLY since I'm living here with her. Even so, I can't be critical of her b/c every time I even hint at an attack she threatens to fly away.

So, I'm going to back off for now to do Wonka's approach. I'm sure she never expected me to act in any of the unexpected ways I've acted since DBing. That and this whole thing has been much easier on me mentally. I may have ended up in jail if I'd done this myself. So, I want to keep this up b/c I have faith in DB even though I can't yet see how this works from here.

And I have to accept that she will not give this OM up for our family. She's from a very broken home too. Told me how terrible that was for her. Did not forgive her father for leaving for over 20 years. And now she's doing it. Even so, that's the way it is for everyone in the same boat here. Just have to trust the DB approach to ending it.

So thank you Wonka. I'll close this down with your text. Let's see what happens.

[Wonka]

Yeah, you don't want to go all Dawgy on the OM. Perish that thought!!!

[MrBond]

"Just have to trust the DB approach to ending it. "

There's one important thing you need to understand. There is no "DB approach". DBing means to do what works. Even if you didn't have the DB book, you should be doing that any way. DB is not a ploy. It's building yourself back up after the devastating news of your M potentially ending and learning how to understand your W and where she's coming from.

It still is up to YOU to determine what to do and when to do it.

[Starsky309]

Hey I love you, Starsky. But I disagree a bit with the bolded section. The goal is not to have the communications escalate. It is important that HP nip the potential in the bud and defuse it quickly. I am generally not a fan of having a serious "talk" through texting.

You're probably right, Wonka. Right message, wrong time and method of communication.

[25yearsmlc]

HP

This post of mine was on your earlier thread....here goes.

Originally Posted By: HPoirot

She calls to check up on me. I tell her thanks for that and tell her I'm going back to work and hang up.

I did the worst backslide today. All that's left to do now is for me to really try to move on and be my best. I don't want to but she doesn't want to be here.

Is there any way I can salvage this?


You said it yourself ^^above. The only way to salvage this is to move on and become your best self.

IF you two are destined to reconcile, I'd expect this^^ to have to happen. I did not think she'd "wake up" on her own without exploring her options. I assumed she would need to discover for herself that the grass is greener where you water it most.

Meaning, where you put the energy is where you tend to get the best results.

Neither of you put enough into THIS marriage or relationship, and in your case you had a previous affair with your "epic love".

Yet somehow you still want to be married to THIS woman. Right?

So why is it impossible for you to imagine her having the same experience/discovery on her end?

Is it b/c down deep you fear that when she's with OM, she prefers him,
whereas when you were with OW, either you did NOT prefer her??

AND OR you didn't have the same chance of "running off" to a new life long R w/OW, as she has with OM.

In any case, your course of action remains the same. So while no one will say this is easy, it's not really complicated. Move forward and become the best YOU that you can be.

Also, work on your tendency to radiate neediness. Forgive me if that stings, but at times you simply reek of being needy. Like you have to have someone, (maybe anyone), on your arm, and or paying attention to you

or you can't/won't feel good about yourself. Like your self esteem comes from others and not yourself.

Be a stronger man and OWN your self esteem. It never did belong to anyone else, you were always in charge of it, same as your happiness.

It always was YOUR JOB to make yourself happy...let your son learn that for himself, from you. Model that for him.


And don't keep at your wife for being so unfair to you. I know it stinks that she's having an affair, but you MUST remember that you did the same thing to her.

I'm not suggesting, necessarily, that you go & tell her everything about your past and the OW in your life from before...

But You keep letting your w twist on the vine of guilt and shame, while you know in your heart and head that you did the same dang thing to her awhile back.

How can you foster her shame, & not feel hypocritical?

Why not assume she is a on a journey like you were, and that she will discover the same truth that you did, i.e., that you two should be together raising your son together and growing old, together?

IF you believe she will not choose you or your marriage over OM, can you tell us why that is so?

And then, work on those^^ reasons so they are not valid anymore. Meaning, if you think she'll choose OM b/c he's kinder and a better listener, then YOU work on being kinder and a better listener, not so you "can compete w/OM", but so you can improve as a man b/c you want to...

Make sense?
_____________________

[25yearsmlc]

PS


Just so I'm clear, is this your only thread now? (I keep checking my other posts and at least 3 are with you.)

I think it's very preferable to stick to one if you can. Much easier to stay current with updates, and not repeat myself or duplicate what others have said.

Thanks.