That's a tall order. Not that I'm not willing to give anything a try - more that I will lack the opportunity - but we will be co-parenting for years so I guess I really can't make that excuse. Other than the obvious lapses the last year, my STBX does have good judgement and I've always trusted him, but I'm not sure why he never felt he couldn't take more of a leadership role in the relationship.
The irony here is that I always wanted him to take the reins more. I remember a couple of years ago - begging him to actually pick the restaurant we went to for once - and I literally had to beg. Just a small example.
Anyway - in GAL news we closed out the soccer season in third place today. Not bad for a complete newbie coach. All the parents seemed thrilled that I would be willing to coach again next year and they got me the sweetest card and gift certificate to a local restaurant. I don't lack self confidence - but parts of my ego are a little fragile right now - and that was an unexpected and needed boost.
And now - all of you who read these boards and are worn out with all these deep relationship questions - I've got something more practical I need advice on. I want to take up fishing as part of GAL . Its always seemed like a soothing activity and it since we do live in the Sierra Nevadas it would be something outdoorsy to do with the girls. I'm not really sure where to start. I saw a Groupon for a Fly Fishing course - but that seemed a little advanced to start with. How does one pick up fishing? I was going to do my usual route of books and Youtube videos but I'm open to suggestion.
My oldest sister is visiting for the week and its nice to have her around. She's from the military branch of the family and always gets my household running very efficiently when she's here. She also takes the long view of the situation with STBX, which makes her a better sounding board than my other relatives who just want him to disappear.
Anyway - we were discussing just how much STBX wants to spend time with the kids. He skipped last Saturday's soccer game (with no explanation), and while he makes a lot of noise about wanting to spend time with them, he seemed pretty happy with the idea of every other weekend (if he makes detective his schedule will allow this) My sister was saying that in these situations it's not uncommon for the dad to drift away and spend less and less time with them (which was confirmed by a few Google searches). What does this mean? Nothing right now, I guess it's just one more thing to be prepared for. I will be interested to see if he follows through with co parent counseling and what his behavior will be like.
STBX continues to be super pleasant as we go back and forth via email about the minutiae of the divorce settlement.
Alas, D6 seems to be starting to react. I'm not sure how much of her behavior is related to the situation and how much is just regular 6 year old sassiness, but this weekend she started saying "no" to me for the first time and really dug her heels in. Unfortunately she told me that Daddy told her not to complain about the drive to his house or Mommy wouldn't let her visit and not to tell me they talked about it. Good Gravy - his judgement is lacking right now - not only to have that conversation in the first place, but D6 has always immediately reported to me anything he says to keep a secret.
I'm determined to have a good PMA this week. Have been sick with a cold and the self reflection about my lack of vulnerability last week along with dealing with the divorce/refinance /regular work stress was really sapping my energy. Time to perk up.
Sounds like normal 6 yo sassy coupled with a little fear/testing. Glad to hear she's honest with you. Do know that is a two-way street and anything you say can and will be shared with your STBX as well.
Rali, you've got this! Share your concern with your H. Share what 6 yo said after telling him you know you can trust him to do right by your D6. And that her complaints have NO bearing whatsoever on her time with him. That you can't and won't be two parents. That D6 needs a good man to be her father. And that you married that man.
I felt a little inspired all of a sudden. Hope it helps!
Me: 43 XW: 43 T15 M14 D21, SS15, S11, D8 BD: 8/6 EA / possible PA discovered 9/29 D final 10/20
hey Ral, how's the flip side to the coin? i feel like we are to thoroughbreds coming down the backstretch for a prize neither one of us wants. i think i'm ahead by a nose.
special prayers are going out to you and your little ones. they are the true victims in all of this.
M40 XW35 M11 T15 S9 D5 Bomb 6/3/14 Papers del 10/3/14 D final 12/5/14
I wish I could love you and make you believe it 'Cause that's all you ever wanted From me
Rali, you've got this! Share your concern with your H. Share what 6 yo said after telling him you know you can trust him to do right by your D6. And that her complaints have NO bearing whatsoever on her time with him. That you can't and won't be two parents. That D6 needs a good man to be her father. And that you married that man.
Honestly I've waffled back and forth on this for the last day or two. While STBX used to be a good guy who put his kids well being first, I think any reasonable person would look at his choices lately and agree that is not the case right now. Truthfully, I'm not sure this would be a productive conversation and I can see him easily slipping into super defensive mode.
I think I might approach this in co parent counseling. While he's been awfully civil the last few days, it doesn't take much reading on these boards to see how easily that can tip into something else - and we probably need a third party to at least get the ball started on this topic. After all, the root of my issues with co-parenting are that I cannot believe anything he says right now, and somehow we will have to build trust up again. From where I sit today - that is hard to envision.
Rali. No harm done. I respect your POV- you're living it.
My stubborn streak will offer this...you are suggesting a COA for co-parenting with an expectation of a positive outcome. You would be building him up. You would show acceptance of the situation as it stands. And you would be reinforcing the fact that you married a man that you expected to be a good husband and father.
I understand the flipside - the possibility of negative outcomes is certainly there. For me, I have stopped living in any sort of fear. I make the best decision for me and my kids and measure the outcome. I keep close record of that stuff.
So, if you have measured the volatility of your current sitch and decided "not right now", well, excellent. You are thinking and reasoning rather than reacting. That's better than I did most days before D was final!
Me: 43 XW: 43 T15 M14 D21, SS15, S11, D8 BD: 8/6 EA / possible PA discovered 9/29 D final 10/20
This is going to make me sound cold and calculating, but until that divorce agreement is actually filed (which I believe will be 12/3), I do not want to upset the apple cart. Also- I'm giving him a lot of credit for improved behavior, but really its only been a week and actually his behavior hasn't really been that good (as evidenced by comments to daughter).
Hey, this period post BD, pre- D or pre- reconciliation, we ALL need to think. And it's easier with the forum of fellow DB'ers. Go check out Nitty's thread for a little hope. Her sitch had some serious parallels with yours before the sun came out.
Me: 43 XW: 43 T15 M14 D21, SS15, S11, D8 BD: 8/6 EA / possible PA discovered 9/29 D final 10/20
