This may get confusing and lengthy... but that's how I roll. I'm just gonna let 'er rip.
First, things were pretty bad with s17. He didn't come home. I had specifically asked him to come right home and alone. He was to take d13 to her volleyball banquet tonight bc I had to attend my nieces confirmation as her sponsor.
Needless to say, s17 wasn't here when I got home. His phone is still smashed, and I told him I'm not getting it fixed again until he gets a job (he says there is no reason to get one). So, for now, he uses hi ipod and can text with wifi.
I texted him. No answer. I texted his gf. No answer. I called his gf, she answered. I talked to s17 who said he was at her house, but not coming home tonight. He was going to stay with a friend, but refused to say whom. He said he didn't want to go to the banquet. I was livid.
I drove to his gf house (she lives near xh and hww- ugh). He was so rude and defiant. Refused to come or tell me his plan. I was livid. I followed him in the house. He continued behavior... I told him I was calling the police and went to my car. (I really didn't know what I was doing... I was seeing RED!)
Xh had told me yesterday, several times, he would help however he can. I called him. As I called I realized he would be driving home. UGH. It intensified my anger. He actually answered (Bluetooth- for all to hear!!!!). I asked, "Are you in the car with your sweetie?" Yes. "Well tell her to put her dirty vag!na in her ears so she doesn't hear this conversation." Click. Well, there goes that.
Now I'm even more pissed (I had THAT coming, I guess...), so I texted him, "I'm calling the cops on s17." Honestly, I'm lost. I don't know what to do. I have no leverage with him. He cares about nothing.
So, he texted back, "Why".
Me: Nevermind. You hung up. I will handle this. Again.
S17 was putting his stuff in his gf car. I tried to talk to him, nothing had changed. Gf was freaked out that I said I was calling the cops.
I got in my car. Sat there for a min. I was so frustrated. I left. I knew I had to get ready and be there for my niece. This was so stupid.
In the meantime, poor d13 was getting ready with no one to take her.
Then... xh shows up at my house. But, I gotta say, he was respecting the boundary when I told him not to come in the house. He told me to come out.
ITS FRIGGING COLD OUT, YA'LL! And it intensified EVERYTING!
I let him in the front. He stayed right in the doorway.
Pardon my appearance of insensitivity, but, for lack of a better word, it was the most bi-polar conversation ever. Up, down, and all around. Yelling, laughing, crying..... emotional.
So, again, I will try to recap some of the conversation. Not in any particular order... lack of sleep (2 hrs last night), overwhelming emotions, frustration, missing child, guilt for not being there for d13, rushing around to get to another town for my niece (VERY long service- 65 candidates).... my brain is running on "E"!
Xh is still pretty guarded with what he says. It is like he is trying to talk to me in secret code. BUT, with what I have experienced, I can't make assumptions about him, at all. I don't know where he is coming from.
Let me just say. This evening was not about dbing. That hasn't been my goal for quite some time. My focus, using dbing tactics, has been to find me and how to get along in this world.
Well... good thing it's not about dbing, bc that went out the window. But, I was Mighty. It was raw and real. I don't regret it. Some things needed to be said, and I have no shame in it.
He continued to apologize over and over. AND, he keeps asking what I want him to do.
I told him that I begged him for a long time and he knew what I wanted him to do. But he made a choice and that choice was not me or our family. I told him that it is his choice how he lives his life and I have no say in it.
He said over and over again how he know he f'ed up. He said he is so upset how he has lost his r with the kids AND with me.
He is not a man of many words, but he kept looking me in the eye, talking firmly when saying this, and getting choked up and cried sometimes.
He said he is "f'ed" tons of times. He was really confused about the pregnancy thing.
He said he is at high-risk for losing his job.
He said with great conviction, "Mighty. Listen. The way you miss it, I miss it just as bad." ("it")
He did not speak badly about hww at all (I made up for that. Yup... catch up with ya later, db!) But, he didn't argue it at all.
I said they are both 100% responsible.
People think she is a good mother, but what good mother does what she did to my kids. What good mother get pregnant by a married man? What good mother takes her son from his dad so she could f a married man.
He wouldn't say how he felt about her. I indicated that I just didn't understand his loyalty to her, when he didn't have it for me. I asked if he talked badly about me to her. He said no, never. I said, well you must have said our marriage wasn't good or something. He said, nope. I was like REALLY?! And she still willingly f'ed a married man?
I reminded him that she pulled up to our house a couple yrs ago when they car pooled and say my kids outside playing basketball and I was in the driveway, at our home, and she still f'ed you knowing you had a family.
I told him that she didn't care about him bc she didn't care about what she was doing to his kids and that he allowed her to disrespect his family. She disrespected his kids and his wife. And he did too.
I reminded him what she did to her x, took him for a ride, and how she screws over her friends.
I told him that she was going to do the same to him. I looked at him and said, you don't really think she won't, do you?
Thanksgiving... he indicated he may have it with his family at his house. He isn't sure. PUKE!
I realize I got a lot out, and he didn't say much except he was sorry, he is f'ed, what can he do?
He said, "You aren't getting it. It's not sinking in." I really didn't, I got, clearly, that he isn't happy with the situation. But I don't know what he wants. I truly don't know if he wants to be with her, but just doesn't want a baby. I don't know.
I asked him what he was thinking... why does she think it's ok to buy a house down the street from me with my husband. While she is pregnant with my husband's baby? And I didn't even know she existed! I asked if she even thinks about it or realizes. He said nothing. I truly don't think she does.
I told him that it is crazy how I'm at work and how some things went down and I just sat there thinking about her at her job, pregnant with my husband's baby all happy and excited. While I got everything dumped on me all at once and had to deal with it while I could hardly breathe or get up in the morning.
Keep in mind.... all the while.... I was getting ready. I had to go out and have him zip my dress. Finally, as I was putting on make up I told him he could come in, and he stood in the bathroom doorway.
I started to make him laugh. I was being my silly self, and being a total smart @ss. As he was laughing, I said, Well, I bet you don't laugh like this anymore. I know I'm hilarious. He laughed. I said, I miss that. Then I started right back up.
Then, back out into the living room.... SHE called him. UGH- I was pi$$ed! I said, "Have you been gone too long?" He looked annoyed. Then my emotions got the best of me. I said, "She should not be calling you here! You were my husband. She cannot call you at my house. She thinks you are her now and you were my husband. This is not right!"
He quietly said, "I know."
He didn't answer it. Then I said, "You have no idea. If that were the other way around, and someone was calling...."
I broke. I turned and went back into the bathroom. I couldn't stop crying. Baby-like.
He came in, pulled me to him and held me. I cried. He said, "I'm sorry." I cried more.
Then I said, "I'm ok," and stepped back. My makeup was f'ed. He had been crying too. (Plus I could hear his heart thumping) It was weird. It had been so long. I never ever though it would happen again. How long I yearned to feel his arms around me. I have needed that through this. It has made me feel even more alone.
I tried to wipe my makeup up real quick with a tissue. He was still right there. I turned. Then we hugged a drawn-out, tight one. He was still close, but I kept my head down and said I have to go.
We left.
He called me at the church just before it started. He was still in his car (not home yet? and I had driven to another town, p/u niece and was at the church). He wanted to find s17 and asked how he could. I told him I'd be late and didn't want s17 to be alone at home. He said to let him know what I want and he will do it.
We agreed to get a plan together and talk to s17 together. We will probably talk about it tomorrow.
I know he is lost. I know he has soooooooo much work to do. I do think this is an awakening. He has a long way to go. I also think he know that really, I am here for him. But, I think he is scared, too, that he has lost me.
I don't know what I can do for him. I guess listen if he needed, but I don't think he is ready to open up about the feelings he is aware of. And I also think there are things that he is still unaware of.
I know it seemed all about me, but I did listen to him. I let silent moments sit. And, I took opportunities to get it off my chest. Open his eyes to the reality.
There was much, much more. My brain is mush.
Oh yeah... I made a comment about how I had questioned the last 20 years and if they had any real meaning. He said, "Yes they were real and had meaning, right up until I f'ed up."
Oh, and, during the confirmation, the Bishop spoke with each candidate and their saint's name. He asked each one why they chose that saint and what it meant to them (yeah... each of the 65 kids).
So, I thought about my confirmation, many moon ago... I had chosen Saint Joan of Arc.
Very fitting as my mom had told me.
I thought about that tonight and what I respected about her. Hmmmm.... I should have thought of this months ago! I'm gonna remember her.
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Oh, plus I told xh that my dad walked out on me, my husband walked out on me, and now my son. I said that I was sick of these men walking out on me while I beg them to come back. And I just couldn't do it anymore.
Wow - well I posted you a response which then disappeared into cyberspace, or wherever it is postings go to.
Your h may be waking up - or it might be a peeking out. My xh came out twice, and wanted to reconcile, but then went back into MLC land where he is still orbiting. This is not to be discouraging, just to remind you that whichever way it goes there is a long haul. And whatever your husband decides he will feel guilty.
You are all feeling raw at present - you have expressed a lot of hurt and anger, and he has coped with that.
Now regarding both your son and your husband. One of the greatest gifts that you can give to another person is the gift of listening without judgement. Anger comes out of deep hurt, and the need to protect our own ego. To listen effectively we have to suspend judgement and hear what they have to say.
Your son's behaviour is not OK - my son was eighteen when it happened, and he too was very very hurt and disillusioned. This explains but doesn't excuse what he is doing. They have to grow up and fast. Events happen, and it is our response to them that determines the outcome for us. We can't control what others do but we can control our own behaviour.
Please give yourself a break. Focus on yourself, and then deal with your son. Let him talk, and try and work out a solution that you can both live with. DB him!!
Thanks bea. I am trying to keep everything in perspective and keep the focus on me. I do not want to get off track- at all. I am proud of my progress and know I have more work to do. And yes! I've been using db tactics with s17.
Thanks, Bright! Share... boy did I ever!
So things continue to get really different. I got a call from school today that s17 was MIA. I inquired about his gf. She was gone too. I left work immediately and let xh know. We have got to get him on track, and since we decided to do this as a united front, we knew it was about to happen.
After some dramatics... xh met me at the house. The three of us sat down and started scratching the surface. S17 was being.... tough at first. But the amazing thing was that xh and I were, very naturally, a team. Everyone remained very calm, and no one held back.
This is where I took notice of my own behavior and growth. I thought I handled the sitch pretty well.
Xh took full responsibility for his "selfish behaviors" and told s17 how he is "fully aware" of what his actions have done. He apologized to s17. S17 didn't say much to him at first and just said he does not want to have a r with him.
I think what surprised him was my response to the situation.
S17 said that he didn't want one bc of what xh did to me. So I asked him if it bothered him that xh hurt me. Yes. So I asked, "So then why do you continue to hurt me?" He didn't really know what to say.
XH stepped in every time s17 was disrespectful to me. S17 had made a comment about how xh is just like his dad. I interjected immediately (and surprised myself) and said that xh still to this day has never had his dad apologize to him for what he has done. That at 37 years old, his dad has never put in the effort to make it right. Then I said, look, he is here. He is trying to fix this. But, I actually started crying when I was saying this. I just felt so bad for xh. I think he was surprised by me being so honest about it, and I think it meant something to s17 to realize that xh was trying to fix their r.
Xh said that his top priority right now is to fix his r with his kids.
S17 said, "Which ones?"
Ouch.
We all agreed to put a plan in place to put s17 on track. We created this plan together. The 5th rule I made what that s17 needs to spend some time with his dad. (I know for sure, deep down, s17 is dying to do this.) I think they were both surprised I was pushing this. (Me too!) But I know it is best for him. I told s17 that its ok that many of their conversations will not be happy and that it is ok for him to express his feelings with xh. That it will take more than once, but it will help him work through it and forgive.
I told s17 that he needs to forgive. He needs to do it for him (right, AJ?!). That he can't live like this forever and continue to numb with weed.
S17 said to me that since the day he was born and every day of his childhood he wanted to grow up to be just like his dad. That every project he had in school where he had to write about a hero or anything like that, he always wrote about his dad. Now he doesn't want to be anything like him.
I said to him that we are all human. Everyone makes mistakes. Some make bigger ones than others, but that it happens. But we can't continue to live in the moment of those mistakes and let it define the rest of our lives. His dad that he respected and loved is still in there. He was lost for awhile and I don't know if he still is, but that at the core, his dad is still in there. He can have him back if he works through this, works on their r, and finds a way to forgive.
There was much more. I truly hope it will help s17. I think it meant something to him. He did feel, for a long time, that he was responsible, since he "caught" him and he later had to hide hww. For us to come together for s17 the way we did, hopefully, had an impact. He seemed to respond.
OK that was a quick (for me) synopsis of that!
All the while, xh listened to this. He actually did very well with s17, too. He was totally accountable- for everything. He even told s17 he knows that his selfish choices is the reason he started smoking. Yadda....
Didn't think I was done, right?????? (I think I am way to lengthy for everyone... but... this is for me!)
Xh, again, acknowledged the dog. He said to s17, "I'm sorry for what I did to you; I'm sorry for what I did to d13; I'm sorry for what I did to your mom; I'm sorry for what I've done to Sparky." (And he spent some time with Sparky too. Pretty cliché pseudonym, huh?)
And he said, "I just want to see you and d13 happy again, and I want to see your mom smiling again."
Say what?? That one caught me off guard.
Then, tonight, xh p/u d13 from practice, since he is doing daily!!!! Yes!
He took her to get something to eat and told her, I'm going to get something for s17 and your mom. And he did.
Say what??? That too caught me off guard.
D13, who hardly ever says anything, told me she noticed the difference with her dad. She said he is like his old self.
Then she asked me if we could be friends. I said that we could be cordial. Then she asked, if he left hww, if I would take him back.
Say what??? OK, I'm just keeping status quo. I'm not even going to entertain the idea. It will make me spin. Spinning is not progressing.
Brook, good call. I am quiet familiar as I went yrs ago. Last year I used resources to help get me through the day after bd. I stopped (pretty much everything) after nuke. I hadn't thought about as of late... thanks.
Thanks, Live.
uR. OK. I know, I know, I know you are so right. I have found myself finding more peace, but it has been ever-changing the past two weeks.
Prior to this, I was really looking towards forgiveness. For me. To forgive xh. So I could move on and be ready to wish him well with the baby. I was in mental boot camp. I started to get there, like really. And I was finding peace with hww... a little... a very little... but it was coming.
I even thought about how I could be graceful after the birth. Wait... I thought of ways to be graceful. Connecting THAT to how I could do it is the biggest challenge.
Then, out of nowhere, comes this very unexpected apology and acknowledgement with xh. I know, I know, can I count on it??? Well, like I told him, actions speak louder than words (as I was referring to what he was going to do to fix his r with the kids).
So, I'm not holding my breath. I know, from reading, that it will still continue to be a rollercoaster. I want him to stay on his while I find grounding from my own ride.
However, I can't say this isn't messing with me a little.
OK... I was totally digressing from your (any my) point. Let it go with hww. Yes, I was searching for peace. But what the heck is it? I don't know why, but I am totally enraged with her. She came between me and my husband, knowingly and willingly. And makes it like what she did and is doing is OK and exciting news. It really gets to me. I told xh today that he needs to tell her and her mom to stop bragging and acting like this is great stuff on social media. I said that it won't kill them if they don't post it, but that he was married when she got pregnant and that he has left a family devastated. It is totally inconsiderate of them to splash it all over with no regard for his family. He totally understood and said he would tell them both. I said that it would be best to come from him and not me.
OK, yup, I've got to let it go. I just don't know how. I am being totally honest. I really want to. I just don't know. But I will truly work at it. I have found that I am able to find a way to accomplish things I was unsure of in the past, and I can still do that now. I will keep working on it. I can't say I'm not going to stop venting here.
BUT! This is what I've noticed today. I think I've forgiven xh. With that said, it has changed my thinking. I was pretty much there before the apology. That helped. But I find that I feel very differently because of it. Does it mean I want to offer my home to him. NOPE! Not the least little bit. It's not like that. I just feel differently.
