I am going to try to get everything right here... My brain is pretty overwhelmed right now. This will not be in the correct order. I am sure I will be missing some things right now as I try to process this.
I talked to xh on the phone. It started about s17. He started saying s17 is acting like a punk... I stopped him right there and told him that s17 is screaming for help. How he is lost, hurt, etc. I explained how his entire foundation crumbled, so he really does not care. I went into detail about how his life drastically changed.
XH said that he know what he did and how it has hurt the kids. He asked me what I want him to do. (this became a theme... he kept asking what I want him to do. Not in a smart @ss way, but like he really wanted me to tell him what to do?!)
The convo got pretty deep. I asked some questions. He apologized and he said he thinks about how he hurt me.
I made a comment about his new family and how he destroyed his family to have a "happy little family." He said it's NOT a happy little family.
I asked why he bought a house with her, he said he didn't know what to do.
He made several indications about how things aren't so glorious.
I asked what I did for him to leave, he said, "Nothing."
I asked why he felt he had to be with her. He said, "I don't know."
He did not make her out to be anything special. He did not seem very satisfied with her.
He asked about my surgery and when it is. I told him it's not really any of his concern anymore.
I also made the comment about her being with him and having a baby, and me being with him and having to get surgery, and how it's so screwed up, since I was his wife.
He said, "I don't care what happens to me, I just need you to know that I am sorry for everything I've done to you."
He kept apologizing. Then he said, "Mighty, I need you to understand something...." pause.... Then he said, "I gotta go... I will call you back...." He couldn't even talk. He was too choked up.
He did call me back and said, "I just want you to know that I think about what I've done to you everyday."
I asked him if he was going to marry her. He said, no. I asked if he was going to stay with her. He hesitated then said I was walking him down a path he wasn't ready to discuss.
He said he was afraid that the conversation would be repeated. I assured my loyalty has always been with him and that I wouldn't say anything. And that since these choices have impacted my life, I have a right to know.
I asked if he was going to stay with her, he said he didn't want to say. I said, so does that mean yes? He said, no, it does not mean yes.
I asked if he was ready to have a baby. He said he has no choice. I asked her due date. He said the first week of January. I said, I thought it was December. He said, well, they were unsure, and they were three weeks off, so I guess mid December then. (Does not seem very anxious...)
So... back to the house. I asked why he got a house with her. He was pretty confused.... he said he couldn't say. I said, did she pressure you into it?
He sounded so sad. So incredibly remorseful. So unhappy. So STUCK!
He said he couldn't answer these questions now, but that we will talk and he will answer anything I want to know.<<<<<<<<<That right there.... he sounded more sincere than I think I have ever heard him sound.
Wow ... sounds like you had a little peek into the person you knew. Not wanting to make this out to be more than it is .. but at the least he is poking his head out of one of the tunnels, processing what he has done. This whole MLC thing is such a bowl of spaghetti I swear ... you never really know which noddle is which but they are all intertwined ... its mind boggling.
So H is starting to open his eyes and see the damage. And has the guts to tell you so. That, to me, is a big thing.
That he admitted that it's not all Rainbows and Unicorns in OW land.
And most of all, that he said he thinks about what he did to you every single day.
I have no doubt this is true.
I think my H does the same. Which is a big part of the reason he is so uncomfortable around me. Not because I'm so awful, but because he is so ashamed... of so many things, but mostly of how he has behaved towards me.
I think it's a good step for them to start to take ownership of their actions.
Wow. Really.
---(G)GGG
Me 54 Him 63 M 23 T 29 0 Kids Funny Farm of Rescues 12/12 OW-- 5/13 ILYBINILWY: A denied 9/13 Proof OW: ENDED 2/14 Got D papers on my BD I kicked him out for my sanity 9/14 He wants to "talk"?
Sounds pretty much exactly like what I figured - he got carried away with a momentary temptation, but then vicious reality caught up with him quickly once OW got pregnant. He tried to "do the right thing" by OW but it has cost him much more than he ever expected, and is probably already getting tired of her - because, of course, she can't hold a candle to you, Mighty!
But lest you get too excited by this - others here are probably right, it may just be a brief peak out of the tunnel, and Mr. McSpew may be back tomorrow. Just enjoy the vindication - this was never about you.
That is sad. His answers arent surprising, though, right? I mean, how can you be happy after doing what he's done and all the damage it caused? And I am sure having a baby was not in his plan.
What does it mean for you?
Please dont let it get you spinning. I know some of that was important for you to hear, but, it could just be a moment of clarity.
So, let this sit for now, M. And use it to really believe that it wasnt about you.
Hey guys. Yeah, pretty crazy. The thing is, it was like you could hear it, that he was coming out of a fog. It was total mlc, the things they say and everything. Like he didn't know what happened or how.
He clearly still is struggling with what the heck to do. I felt he was looking for me to help him. He has to do this. But also, it seemed like he has some idea of what he is going to do. I don't know what or that he is totally convinced that it is the right thing.
He is really struggling. It is sad. I do feel for him, but like me, he has to walk his own path.
What does this mean for me? Well, I feel better with some acknowledgment. Actually it feels really good. It gave me a little boost in my step to keep on moving along my path.
I'm OK, and getting better. I have a lot of work ahead of me with s17. It would be very helpful if xh could get on the same page to be there for s17 the way he needs. Time will tell.
Here is what I have seen as far as changes.
Xh asked about our dog, which he hasn't shown interest in for a year (and the poor pup is getting older- her birthday is next week!)
Xh texted me and asked what he could do to help (for the 1st time, instead of being aggressive, demanding, or accusatory)
Xh said he would p/u d13 every day (which he hasn't offered to do in a year)
Xh said (twice) to let him know whatever he could do to help (Hey-ya pal, hows bout yu drag dem dare tools over an fin-ich de dang kit-chun! OK, OK, a little presumptuous, I know.)
xh was deeply remorseful
xh said we would talk and he would answer anything I wanted to know. (say what! Maybe I don't wanna!!!)
Oh yeah, oh yeah!!! AND, he gave d13 the external hard drive to give me!!!
Plus, the email came up. He admitted he was mad. He said he knows I told s17. I started to explain then told him it doesn't matter. He will believe whatever he wants.
But, then it was brought up again later. This time I did explain, and he actually seemed to listen. AND, not once did he even seem angry, even when he said he thought I told him to make s17 mad at him. He was really over it and seemed understanding of the situation. WOW!
Everyone else has said what I was thinking. This is really about your h, however we all know that unfortunately you and the kids suffer. I agree not to dwell much on what he said as quite frankly, who knows what he will say next time.
Sending you a hug:-)
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
IMO, the stuff churning around in your world is healing. You are bravely facing the truth, and your kids will follow by your example.
I received an apology. I allowed myself to fall back into the ol' patterns and, in no time, I had lost myself again. Try to allow the apology to soak into your bones...but, don't let it carry you away. I know it's hard, especially when we see a glimpse of the person we loved.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
