Feeling so nervous about this new step, and a lot of the anxiety is wearing his name. It feels weird and wrong to be taking this step without him behind me. But it is what it is. I am excited but I have butterflies in my stomach and things will feel more normal in a few weeks.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
I bet you will feel normal even sooner that that. Sorry if I missed it - what is your start date? I'm so excited for you! A whole new world of adults to meet, interact with, practice your personal growth training with. I think my biggest developments as a man since BD have been at work.
Your H may have your back again someday. In the meantime, if nothing else, you have us. Go Maybell!
Me 38, WAW 30 D11 (former marriage) S2 T 8 years M 3 years BD 8/20/23 S 8/20/23
Maybell, I work FT, had three kids at home, and zero household help. The thing that got me through the week was routines - tidy every day, do a load of laundry every day, run the dishwasher and unload it at the same point in your day every day. Get the kids to help, they can do lots of things.
Meal planning and prep is HUGE for me, planning out what I'm going to eat, doing all the shopping ahead of time, and prepping things ahead of time is what allows my family to eat every day. My freezer, my crockpot, and my rice steamer are my best friends.
Write down what absolutely MUST be done everyday, and then add some things you can do weekly, monthly, and occasionally. Adjust as needed.
Feeling so nervous about this new step, and a lot of the anxiety is wearing his name. It feels weird and wrong to be taking this step without him behind me. But it is what it is. I am excited but I have butterflies in my stomach and things will feel more normal in a few weeks.
Firsts usually cause anxiety. It's a step.
Look forward.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
You've always struck me as a very organized person in your posts. I have a lot of confidence that you will do well as you sort out finding the balance with all of your new work responsibilities.
Thanks so much for the words of encouragement. I'm hopeful things will go smoothly. I'm sure there will be bumps but nothing insurmountable.
There was a lot of co-parenting business today so I had several extensive email exchanges with H. He has shown no curiosity at all about my job, but did agree with me about some "policy" stuff with the kids and took it upon himself to investigate a particular tech solution to a question about D11. So at least he's doing a little better about participating in their lives. I should give him a little credit and mention that he did give me two compliments on my appearance on Thursday. For what that's worth.
I'm feeling so hopeless about him right now. S8 did something great at his activity tonight so I sent H a quick text letting him know how great he looked. In reply H asked if S8 seemed to be feeling better about things. That he'd been trying to help him feel better about things.
This is SO FRUSTRATING to me. Why should S8 (or any of them) have to be made to feel a little better about H's stupid, inconceivable decisions? I was NOT THAT BAD. Really. I know there were ways in which I WAS challenging but they weren't worse than the ways in which H was challenging and I didn't cut and run -- I tried to make us work better together as best I could. I tried to rely on him. I tried to let him lead. I tried to suggest ways we could have more fun together. I did everything I could think of to bring us closer. He just didn't care about me enough to want to connect.
So why am I breaking my heart over him? Why am I letting this last evening be sad instead of excited?
Anyway, I told him that S8 was excited for the changes he'd made and I thanked him for them. I said that I wasn't talking to him about it as much since he'd started seeing the counselor because his relationship with H was between the two of them. I said he was still having nightmares but was doing better about sharing them with me.
He said that was all that he wanted to know and that he didn't expect it to get solved overnight, but wanted to make sure it was going in the right direction.
Is it mind-reading to think that he's more intent on staying apart?
Am I stupid for wishing we could pull together on this?
I can't conceive that we are actually meant to be divorced. I SO DON'T WANT THAT. But I'm feeling really hopeless right now. Signs notwithstanding.
I hate that cOW. I hate that he let himself go down that road. I hate hate that he let that happen rather than work on making things good with me. I hate that he didn't think I was worth the effort. I just want to be loved. By a grown-up. Who thinks I'm a wonderful person and worth the effort.
I can stand to be alone. I can even be happy alone. I just want my family to be intact and I want not to be going through this after I worked so hard to try to make our life as good as I could.
Maybe, just a little bit, I hate him for putting us through this pain.
Last edited by Maybell; 11/18/1412:48 AM.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
If I was in a stronger place tonight I would offer some great words of support. (I'd try to channel you, because you are so gifted at that). But, tonight I feel like I could have written most of your post myself. I want to scream at him. I want to ask his family and friends--why haven't ANY of you said to him, "WTF is your problem? Go get counseling and make it work, dude! Who just walks out on their W?!"
Maybe there is some weird astronomical thing going on because my chest has been tight all day thinking about this.
I hate your H for putting you and your kids through this, too. You are much, much more than "not that bad." You are pretty amazing from what we can see here.
My MIL ended up with a 2nd H who dotes on her, loves and treats her children and their spouses better than his own (yep. no one said he's perfect), and has basically helped her have the happy life her XH couldn't give her. And my FIL? Well, he ended up with a W that no one likes, has no R with his W's kids, and wanted to D her about 10 years ago.
May we all end up with someone who sees our value and is strong enough to stand by us and work on the R instead of running away like a cowardly, selfish fool.
Clearly I need to detach further. I need to hold that rope more loosely. I need to look forward and see what the world has to offer besides him.
Sigh. I can totally do this. I'm a peach. And I have a killer outfit planned for tomorrow with fabulous red patent leather heels. (Totally professional, just with a touch of zing.)
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
Oh Maybell, so many of us could have written that post. We share these doubts about whether we stand a chance to reconcile. All those mixed and sometimes not-so-mixed signals... I take comfort in thinking that we have to hit rock bottom before we can reconcile. Our WAS, it seems to me, will be relentless until we have clearly shown them that we're moving on. At least, that's what I see in the success stories. I wish I had the strength to implement this idea.
I'm impressed at how well you responded to his text.
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
Hi Maybell, Sorry you're feeling this way. I have many of those same thoughts. It made me think about what YOU wrote to me a few months ago.
Quote:
I'm so sorry you're feeling so discouraged.
No one knows what the future will hold. Regardless of your husband's feelings you have the opportunity to make your life what you want of it. You have a beautiful life in front of you, you just have to get through this slog with dignity and a belief that you deserve the best. The best way to get that is to be your best. You can do this. You've already done so much.
How are you different than eight months ago?
Hugs to you.
It's ok to feel the way you are feeling, we are all entitled to our own emotions. Don't wallow too long though, move forward and continue on YOUR path!
Me-44 (45) H- 50 (51) M-'96
S-18(20)D-15(17)D-12(14)
BD Feb 2014 (he works overseas) home Oct(sep rooms) (EAs possible Pa's unconfirmed) insists wants D through July 2015 no more talk of D since
