Be strong. It is very hard to not feel that the anger is directed right at you. I gave gone through this at times recently with my teens as well. You have to keep reminding yourself to be strong and be their foundation. They will see that and come back. They need to find ways to work through their own anger due to the situation.
I agree with some of the others concern about ADs and teens. They wanted to put my oldest on them when she was 16. My wife actually went along with them. I did my research and decided the dangers were to great to risk it. I found natural solutions. My daughters is almost 20 now. She still uses the natural solutions when needed, but has never had to use an AD. If you get concerned I can share the name of the stuff she uses.
Twisting on Life's Rope Me53 W53 M20 D21 D19 D16 BD 2-2013 D final 1-2015 _________________________ "Dream about tomorrow, Live for today, Learn from yesterday"
Ok, my friend, dont you blame yourself or beat yourself up. You were dealt a huge freakin crapload of stuff in a short amount of time. Of course you were in a bad way for a bit. Who wouldnt be? This stuff is life changing, soul crushing. You did the best you could at the time. Doesnt serve you well to rehash that, right?
My son was around your son's age when this happened. It's a tough age for a young man when his father goes crazy. It's supposed to be a time when he is looking to his father for guidance and a role model for entering adulthood and they got this instead.
My son lost his way for awhile. He was angry at me, at xh. I took the brundt of it because he knew I wasnt going anywhere. He didnt have to worry about me.
I was firm in my boundaries and did not tolerate disrespect. I did, however, pick my battles.
He knows you love him. He is trying to find his way and he will.
You are right, clear, consistent actions on your part.
Hey guys... Thank you so much for your concern and input. When I got home, s17 was home in bed. He is so loving towards me, but he just wants to do whatever he wants.
Lemme give you a quick rundown..
First, I am never one to jump right to meds. Hardly ever... I'm one of those...
Back history: S17, xh and I were very close. As a family we were as tight as they come. d13 was often with friends, or doing whateve... but the three of us hung out every weekend. No joke. S17 would prefer to hang with us than friends. Now, if he did, I trusted him totally. He would call me when things got out of hand, no matter the time. It was like that.
When xh left, EVERTHING changed. S17's world was turned upside down, as was mine. Just couldn't find grounding. S17 didn't seem to care, bc the thing that was there... his foundation... was gone. I get it.
With that said... before bd... very close to it... s17 was starting to pick up on something. First, he saw tm from hww on xh phone. He called him out right in front of me... "Hey! Who is hww????!!! While looking at his phone. I still didn't buy it. xh tried to explain later, I said, "XH, I trust you. If there were something I needed to know, I would find out. I can't spend my life worrying about that. I need to trust you, and I do." (I remember the look on his face.) Then s17 saw xh in the parking lot near our house sitting there... reclined in his seat. He was with his friends. He told them to stop. He went up to the car. He could hear xh on the phone with a woman. They were laughing. s17 knocked on the window. He flipped out.
When he got back in the car with is friends, they asked what was going on. He said, "nothing." Then they told him, they saw xh there every day, in the same spot. It was at like 8PM, in a random place. They didn't know why.
S17 does not know this... that I know of... the night of bd, xh went out after work. The kids were getting ready for bed. They asked where he was. I said he went out for a little bit. S17 asked me if I thought xh would cheat on me. I said no. He said he did. I told him that I couldn't live my life like that. That I had to trust him and that living otherwise was unhealthy.
I remember walking into the bathroom thinking, Xh and I will be together forever. We have an amazing bond and nothing will ever change that.
BD was that night.
S17 had more insight than me.
I found out... many months later.. s17 felt like our world crumbled because of him.
Almost 1 month before I found out about hww, s17 confronted xh. Xh told him that he was seeing her and they had bought a house together. This was xh second "new" apt (only there for like a month). When xh went to bed, s17 went to his medicine cabinet and got down...
No one new this...
S17 kept hww a secret for weeks. He pleaded with xh to tell me. He carried the burden of knowing when I didn't.
The 3 of us went away. When I returned xh told me. S17 still didn't know about the baby. That was another bomb for him.
I was so mad. I couldn't believe that xh had s17 part of his lies. He was teaching him to hide this. He was looking to see how to become a man... and he was lying to his mom... hiding secrets of affairs.
In the meantime, he thought that his world had crumbled because of what he knew.
It was much, much later that I found out that s17 had gone to xh's medicine cabinet.
Xh found out at the emergency meeting at the school. He made it about him. It was terrible. He belittled s17 right there. No compassion.
Back a few months.... I knew s17 was struggling with depression. But, anxiety was the worst. He was having attacks that would last the whole day. It was paralyzing. I got him into counseling, he met with his school counselor daily. His anxiety was paralyzing... he couldn't function at all.
He felt responsible. AND, he was looking at me everyday, knowing things I didn't and having to lie to my face (as he thought).
It became so much for this poor kid. I didn't know how to help him- at all. I am not an advocate for meds... I think it is a last resort... but I was scared. He sees people regularly, including the psychiatrist who rx these (monthly) to check the dosage. He is still at the minimum mg's. He has had it switched 3 times... looking for the right one.
He says his depression is much better lately. He still has anxiety. He is closely monitored, which is one of his complaints.
I appreciate all of your concern. I can tell you that I am not naďve to the side effect of this path. I wouldn't do it unless necessary. We talk often about it. He is open to discussing this.
But the anger is there. Very present. That is the concern at this point. I am doing the best I can with him. I really am. It is a lot.
When I went out on Friday for happy hour, he texted me 72 times. That is a lot. It is too much to enable me to enjoy myself. I explained to him that I found it a little selfish. I turned the tables and asked him how he would like it if I did that to him? He realizes and is very understanding, it is just like he is so needy at this time.
I am really OK now, but I like to keep track of where I am.
I find myself, sometimes, cycling VERY quickly, and all over the place.
Tonight, I went to n16's Confirmation Rehearsal.
I get very emotional at church events. But, this evening, they kept referring to a baptism that had occurred earlier that morning.
I just have a hard time dealing with babies at this point. And this was really getting to me.
It always seems to be a new feeling... first I had to accept the fact that I wasn't having any more kids. Well.... that xh and I weren't.
Now, dealing with HIM having one... and I can say, because of the timing now... it has got to be his. Really, the timing of how things went down in our r... well... I have to brace myself.
So.. here was my feeling as they were talking bout the baptism. I felt like I have to love this baby. This was MY HUSBAND's baby. I felt this love for her, because she is my husbands. I HATE that I feel this.
Talk about torn emotions. I mean, OMG! Who wouldn't love their husband's child? But WHAT?!
Mighty, both my older daughters suffer from over powering anxiety. My oldest was the one they wanted to put on ADs. I found a natural products called seradyn. My daughter pops one if she feels her anxiety coming on or before she goes into a situation where it might. It has worked very effectively for her. I know it works, cause when she forgets and runs out she does get worked up and panics a bit till I order more and let her know when it will be in.
The anger is an issue that he will have to work through whether with you or with a counselor. The best thing is for you to be strong and tell him to let it out. If he holds onto his anger then it will come back to bite him later.
Twisting on Life's Rope Me53 W53 M20 D21 D19 D16 BD 2-2013 D final 1-2015 _________________________ "Dream about tomorrow, Live for today, Learn from yesterday"
You will be ok and so will the kids. Couldn't tell you the whys or the hows right now. But, it will be ok.
Did it help some to write out the knarly details on here? I hope so.
For me, I could carry the weight of those experiences without ever really thinking about them...like they were always under the surface. And, then, if I took the time to write out the details in a journal or on the boards...I, at least, felt like I had let the truth out of the bag.
Has S17 talked about any of this? How awful it was?
Pot is a great, temporary diffuser for pain.
We both know he needs to feel it...but, how much of that is your responsibility and how much is his, at 17? IDK.
I'd still consider the drug testing. He needs to know he can face the pain without the weed and he will be ok. But, it's gonna hurt like a biatch.
I'm praying for you all. ;-)
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
Hey guys thanks. Wow... You are all so supportive. I will go back & read posts later. Just a quick update...
Text this morn...
Xh: I will give d13 the hard drive tonight when I pick her up at 6.
Then.... 5 min later....
Xh: Fyi - S17 marking period average is a 72. This is not good. Economics is a 53 and passing grade is required for graduation. This is pure lazy and very upsetting. Let me know what I can do to help.
Say what now? What?????
Confusing... I keep thinking about that vile email.... I think maybe deep down he really doesn't blame me? Wouldn't he still be raging bc of r w s17? This is one mixed up guy.
What a disaster w this baby. It make everything so difficult. I'm getting there.... Slow but sure. Bc I feel ok with it sometimes, I know that this whole process is a gradual journey. I will get there.... I will...
1) I know you don't need anything more on your plate right now, but given all that S is struggling with, this might be a time to take his hand and walk him through the rest of this class. This may mean sitting down every night and doing his homework with him, quizzing him, etc. I know it seems like an overwhelming task, but he needs to be shown that he can pull this out of the hopper with effort, and that you are there to help him every step of the way. Sometimes they panic when they get too far behind, and just need you to walk them through it until they can see a light at the end of the tunnel.
2) If there are courses you can't help him with, hire a tutor. Again, I know the last thing you need is additional expense, but maybe ExH will feel guilty enough to cough up some dough. My biggest regret about older son's college was not getting him tutoring help earlier.
3) Talk privately to his teachers and let them know what he's been going through. Some of them may cut him some slack if you let them know he's working to make it up and is going through this terrible ordeal.
4) Just let exH know you are working on his grades and have a plan in place. Period.
5) As for S17 testing you 72 times while you were out at happy hour - he's not ready for you to date yet. Unfair, I know - but his behavior reveals some pretty severe anxiety around that thought, and it's understandable given what he's been through. I'd do your best to assure him that's not on your agenda right now.
