Hi. Sounds like your in a tough place. I can feel your pain and nothing I post can tKe that away but please hang on to the NOW All the things you posted are true but in the past , you can keep going over them in your mind but it will not give you any peace Think about now, your GAL , your now I wish we could all take each other pain away I have had a good weekend but am in not doubt this will not last. But for NOW I'm enjoying it. Take care
Things have to get better after this weekend. Today I moved into my apartment finally. 5.5 months after bomb drop and I have a bed. As I moved I the reality hit me.
The house I left behind was my home. That is where my family lives. Not just my ex, but my three kids, and our dog. That is where I've lived my entire adult life. I worked hard to save money down, build my credit, buy it, and furnish it one purchase at a time over a decade. I refinanced it to a 15 year mortgage a year ago hoping to pay it off and have a nice retirement. And I found a way to make my payments while my W was a SAHM for 10 years, even during a crushing economy.
Now she's decided it's over. As I move into my apartment I feel it is a jail cell, and I am serving a sentence for a crime I didn't commit.
Ill make it my home. Ill grow to live my independent life. Ill make it my kids 2nd hope and make new memories. But right now I don't like anything about this. It is beyond devastating and I can't believe someone would do this to another human.
Tomorrow will be better. Day 1 of a new life n
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
sorry man, it sux. been there. you will have times when it seems as if the walls are closing in on you. write down places you can go to get away, you'll need them. prayers for you.
M40 XW35 M11 T15 S9 D5 Bomb 6/3/14 Papers del 10/3/14 D final 12/5/14
I wish I could love you and make you believe it 'Cause that's all you ever wanted From me
Nice breakthrough in IC today. I'm not the bad guy I allowed myself to believe.
All during our R I thought I was the one with the problems. I thought there was something wrong with me. So when things weren't going well, I thought it was all my fault. STBX would diagnose me, point out where I was abnormal, etc. And I believed her.
There was some truth to her observations. I AM intense. And I allowed that to play a role in the discord of our M. I need to mellow out where I can, be sensitive to how my intensity can impact others, and be willing to make adjustments to conflict resolution and other areas that my intensity accentuated a lack of skill or thoughtfulness.
But it's a matter of degree. I am not a bad person.
During the M and even through the present I have allowed my STBX to decide my value. She left me so I was obviously flawed beyond belief. I was obviously a bad guy.
Sorry to say, DB forums encouraged this (i felt). I get staying in my sandbox, taking accountability for my flaws, and trying to improve them. What I shouldn't do, however, is allow the actions of an outside party to determine my own opinion of my self worth.
STBX leaving me doesn't prove I'm a bad guy. That was a choice she made. She has her own issues. She decided her vows weren't as important as mine were to me. She decided to expect me to change or to give up. She decided to act according to her feelings and not her core beliefs.
I'm not too concerned about her. I'm not judging, expecting her to change, or anything. Just realizing that only I get to decide who I am. I can be open to feedback, but I cannot give my STBX power over who I believe myself to be. Particularly a crazy WAS. Part of my growth and 180s has to be settin my own boundaries/self image. The dynamic of being the 'problem' all the time was one of the problems. That is what was hard to discover because ownership is so encouraged.
So the 100% accountability approach to DBing is right. It's just dangerous to those that have allowed themselves to be brainwashed into thinking there is something wrong with them.
Why did I allow this? Because there IS something I need to improve on. Something I'm not comfortable with about myself. I do feel like something is wrong with me. And that has been a big source of my insecurity, and why I have so long accepted the blame for the divorce.
What is that issue? Ill get to it on my next post. To be clear. I do have some problems. I do need to make changes. I'm not saying DB approach is wrong. I will own my problems and work on them. But I will do it to MY satisfaction. I will believe in MY version of reality. And while I will be open to feedback from STBX, you all, my IC, and any future partners, I will never relinquish responsibility for setting my own standards on my personal value.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
"So the 100% accountability approach to DBing is right. It's just dangerous to those that have allowed themselves to be brainwashed into thinking there is something wrong with them."
Funny that little post you just put up is exactly what landed you here in the first place. You were the one who said that you pressured her for sex, had a pornography issue, had expectations of a "perfect" M, etc.
DB just pointed that out to you. You just never moved on past that. DB says to do what works and build on it. Haven't seen much building on your part. That is all on you and your personal choice. Don't blame the site or the people who have tried to help you.
You didn't have to come to this "realization" now. You could have done so at any time.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
-quit pornography -become a better, more involved, and more connected father than ever before -behaved much more consistent with my core beliefs vs reacting to emotions -minimized any attempts to control STBX's behavior
No one would know those things because I tend to fixate on how far I have left to go. I guess I'm just figuring out that whether my STBX does or doesn't want me in her life isn't a good thermometer of whether I'm a good guy. I think it's easy for us LBS's to get caught up with that goal as the measuring stick of whether we're good or bad, because that is the goal that brought us all here. Of course we transition to personal growth, but other milestones are more easily overlooked.
I realize that this hasn't just been post BD. During the M I looked to my W to approve of me IN PLACE of me approving of myself. Since I didn't approve of myself she could never fill that hole inside of me.
I realized I have still done that to an extent by looking back to see iChat she thinks if me, or what you all think of me. I'm just realizing I have to make that call. And I am ok with the person I am. Anyone that disagrees is welcome to their opinion, we just don't need to go canoeing together. I still have areas I want to grow, and I will keep on this lifelong journey.
Without a doubt I don't always express myself well. These are new concepts to me and sometimes putting them on paper they don't come out right. It's not that DBing doesn't work. It's not that feedback isn't critical. It's just that no one can replace your own approval, and whether a WAS returns shouldn't be tied to personal self worth.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
