BD and 6 months later PA confirmed (2)

[Bunches]

Hey Arcola, I appreciate the comments I really do. The short version is this. W has been having continuous A's for nearly 2 years now and wants nothing but D from me. At this point my financial security is at risk and if I don't secure custody I could loose S by either becoming unemployed or taking this job out of state and W refusing to agree to let us move.

I haven't wanted to resort to D and I still don't but I don't see a lot of options if I want to keep my S. I agree I'm in for a long road and may have a difficult time finding anyone else with the challenge I have with S. But he is my S and he needs me. I wish W would come to her senses too but at this point after continuing to uncover lie after lie every so often I don't know that I could get past it any longer. I just don't see any other options.

I welcome any input though, even if it isn't in the direction I'm headed. Thanks for talking to me.

[theoden]

Bunches,

At this point, it seems to need to protect yourself and your son. Decide what YOU want in a divorce, talk to a lawyer and proceed, otherwise you'll get caught like a deer in the headlights.

The slimmest chance your ex will ever turn around is if you take a hard line now. But then, can you really trust her? She seems to be serial cheater.

I suggest you go the Chump Lady website for some humorous but useful perspective.

--Theoden

[Bunches]

Thanks Theoden. Luckily I did see a L back in May when PA was confirmed. I L on retainer and have been holding paperwork for 6 more months trying to feel things out. The rabbit whole just seems to keep going though.

Most should be pretty simple. W just wants as much visitation as possible. A little snooping turned up that she has been trying to figure out CS costs recently to see what she is in for as she has been trying to get things together to file anyways. L thinks things will turn out better for me taking the initiative here too. That won't be my reason for proceeding but good to know.

I agree about taking a hard line. I am having some difficulty identifying what a hard line should be. I have been thinking discussion on S needs should be done via email. I'm tired of getting into arguments about what she wants me to do with S. And outside of the visitation schedule, no contact for now. I will ignore texts that don't merit an answer. Any thoughts on how to approach the boundaries at this point?

[Bunches]

So I met with Paralegal today at Lawyers office to get things started. Filled out paperwork to begin D. Lots to do and figure out but shouldn't take that long as I expect uncontested. W has been asking about when D can be worked out every couple months for a year now and going on with A 1 or 2 the whole time.

I decided to begin boundaries to stop going out of my way to make things comfortable for her. I can see now that I was trying to win points and I only lost respect instead. W messaged tonight at S bedtime to see if we could have the family call to talk about S and his day, where she usually unloads about her life to me. I may not have done this well, I'm not very good at thinking DB on the spot. Text conversation went like this:

W: Bedtime?
M: Bedtime was 15 minutes ago...please stop texting at nights. We will see you on Thursday for your visit.
W: What is the problem all of a sudden?
M: I don't see a reason to discuss it with you, you will only lie again. You obviously don't respect me and I don't see why I should continue to go out of my way for you like this every day. I respect myself too much for that.
W: Lie about what?
W: If you're not going to let me talk to him at least tell me why.
M: I shouldn't have to explain. If you were willing to work on trust and respect you would have been honest with me by now.

I don't know if I took too much of a hard line there but she has been comfortable to get me to have group time most days and even share stories with me that she has been staying away from men puruing her for months while keeping in the dark that she had OM2 A and back now with OM1 A all in the last 6 months. I believe I've given the gentle and understanding approach more than enough time. Its time to change tactics and scorecard what happens. I'm sure I will get negative kickback for now. But maybe the lies will stop when I stop letting her get away with them.

Thoughts?

[Sotto]

M: "Bedtime was 15 minutes ago...please stop texting at nights. We will see you on Thursday for your visit."

Hi Bunches, I think it would have been an idea to leave it at this above. The stuff that came after that didn't seem too useful - and read a bit like going on in circles.

Perhaps if she comes back to you further - asking why it's a problem - you could just reinforce with 'we can discuss it Thursday' and turn your phone off.

I don''t think it's helpful to say things like - 'you will only lie again' & 'you obviously don't respect me' etc. It sounds as though your feelings about lies to you and respect for you are getting tied up with discussions about contact with your S.

It also sounds as though now your W feels you aren't 'letting' her talk to him. Perhaps you could have more of a negotiation - where you say to your W...the nightly call is no longer working for you. We need to change this - or just limit the call to a couple of minutes and don't have the group time...

It could look as though you are trying to limit her contact with your S. because you are cross she has lied/not respected you - which I don't think is a good road to go down.

Anyway - just my thoughts...hope these are useful :-)

[Barrybran]

No problems with the hard line with regards to any non-S-related contact between the two of you but cover your tracks and facilitate contact between S and W. If bedtime doesn't work, bring it forward in the night.

[Bunches]

Toots I see your point. I was trying to not get into the why but even in generalizing without specifics I still essentially started to explain my reasons which shouldn't be necessary. I tend to always want to explain why I think something needs done. Thanks for the thoughts, I need to do a better job about making changes for me and S without dragging W into the why.

Barry, thanks for the response also. I really hope I'm not way off base here. I wish I could paint an effective picture about what a phone call looks like for us as W & S communication. With S being autistic he doesn't seem to understand W is on the phone trying to talk to him. At least I don't think so. She gets on the phone and calls things out trying to get him to repeat her, which to some degree he does. That is one thing he will do, repeat the last word or two of most things someone is saying to him. But I have to answer for him and hold the phone to keep him from throwing it and continuously get his attention for her.

Maybe I am just being selfish, but it doesn't feel like S gets anything out of these nightly calls. It seems more to me that she gets to make herself feel better by having them and I have to facilitate that in order for it to happen. Its so tough to know what to do. It makes her feel better but makes me feel worse every night.

[Bunches]

I see you are both right. I don't know why I have this need to justify myself and thoughts to everyone all the time. I did that last night to W after I could have just left it at the first message and I'm doing it again this morning in response to feedback I asked for from both of you.

I'm sorry, and I really do appreciate the feedback. I'll try to consider what you both said and do better next time. Change seems to be so much harder when angry all the time.

[Barrybran]

Does you son show any positive signs to the communication with your wife? Does he display any negative behaviour when he doesn't have any contact with W? I used to try and talk to my kids through Skype when I worked away from home and despite being largely a waste of time, I enjoyed seeing my kids, albeit briefly, and I feel my kids enjoyed seeing me.

Your W is still in the same town/city as you, right? ie. she could see him more than she does?

[Bunches]

S used to show positive signs when we used facetime, but since she got her own apartment out from her mothers she hasn't afforded wifi and can't use it. I normally have to give him the phone locked so he won't just hang it up, he kisses the phone because he is supposed to and then puts it down and grabs a toy. I have to continuously stop him from playing with things and get him to pay attention to the phone. He has strong visual fixations and I'm not sure he even recognizes that his Mom is on the phone or that its not just another app. He plays with apps on his IPad a lot.

He doesn't display negative behaviour when he doesn't get to see her. He is a very happy kid most days. She does pick him up for her every other weekend Friday night through Sunday evening and also comes over to take him out after work 1 weekday each week. She could see him more, she is within 30 minutes of where we live now. Some mixed reasons why she doesn't now. She has a job with some pretty strange hours. Schedule varies anywhere from 6am - 11pm and even some weekend days. She isn't retail but got a great supervisor job at a production facility where you stay when you need to. Also S has to be up before 6 during weekdays to get ready for the bus that comes a long way to get him. Between their schedules she only has about 1.5 hours on the nights she does come out. I was pretty controlling at one point about how often she could come out. I don't think its good for him to be honest. She didn't feel like it was healthy that we all spend time together so she just takes him out to McDonalds most times. I don't think its fair to have S spend multiple weeknights at fast food places each week.

I expect this talk to come up very soon again about her demanding more time. I can understand wanting to spend more time with him, but I think the circumstances need to be fair to him. I also feel bad for him because he is often upset when she leaves him. Most of her visitation weekends I pick him up and he cries the whole way home. I don't know if he just misses his mom that much or if he is just having such a good time that he doesn't want to go home. I feel like it has to be so easy for her to give him a great weekend when she gets him. She only has to manage 2 days every other week.

Wow, that was a longer post than I expected to make. Sorry for that.