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raliced Offline OP
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I have shaken off my pity party a bit. Last night was emotional because D3 wouldn't go to sleep without me (which is common) and then cried out for me an hour later (which is also common) and thinking that there will be nights that I won't be there to soothe her tears just really grabbed my heart and wouldn't let go.

Also still feeling.....relieved....I guess. Relieved that we have direction even though its not the one I had hoped for. Oddly, there's also some relief in realizing that STBX is completely untruthful right now and just a completely different person than the one I married (seriously - the realization of all the lies he has told with such polish and skill is just mind boggling - when we first met and he told me a little white lie he would blush to his eyebrows). I'm ok with letting this person go. Who knows where his path will lead? For my daughters sake I hope it leads him back to at least to a little more integrity and true self-esteem.

I'm resolved to be there for my daughters, to ensure that they know I will be a rock for them and to show them that you don't have to be a victim when life punches you.
So along those lines, despite waffling back and forth, I am tackling the d*** treehouse as a GAL activity (STBX left it unfinished at BD). My dad should be able to give me good advice and make sure I don't cut my hand off.

I'm going to read back through other's threads for book recommendations to help me realize why I avoided conflict so much in the marriage. Also going to try to find a different IC and go back to counseling.

Divorce Busting in full progress even if right now, its right to be divorced.


2 Ds: 7 and 4
BD and Sep: 7/14
Divorce Final 2/16
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raliced, you are such a good example to me. You sound solid, grounded, and okay with your direction. I'm there too, but I'm still processing a lot of sadness (although it could just be monthly hormones). What you say about the lying and lack of integrity is also what I find so surprising in my own STBX. Who are these people, and how did they become this person? It's baffling, truly. And we do deserve more.

Good luck with the tree house! That sounds like a major project.


M: 43 H: 39
D: 14
Married 15 Together 16
BD: 6/2014
S: 8/2014
OW revealed 10/2014
Instigated dissolution 12/2014, in progress
So over it!
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raliced Offline OP
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Ahoy- There are a couple of things about my sitch that make it a little easier for me right now.

One - I know my daughters are in pain - but they aren't really able to articulate it all that much. Having a 14 year old that can really tell you how much everything hurts her would really add to one's sadness I believe.

Two- I've known about OW since BD and have had 3 months to absorb. (BTW - he had to list her as his roommate in the divorce papers and I now at least have a full name and the fact that she's a 40 year old probation officer)I know you had suspicions too - but its just not the same as them actually telling you - that is a gut punch that takes a while to settle. Not to mention it tends to lead to realizing they have told you a bunch of other lies - which is not a fun activity.

I have plenty of sadness too - mostly about the changed life my kids will have. That's why I guess its important to keep GAL, rocking a PMA and educating myself. Yes, they won't have the life I planned - so I'll just have to make an even better one for them even if I don't get to see them 2 nights a week.


2 Ds: 7 and 4
BD and Sep: 7/14
Divorce Final 2/16
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raliced Offline OP
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STBX has kids somewhat unexpectedly today (its a long story) so I find myself with a free weekend day which never happens.

So I took a long hot bath and then got into bed for a nap and thought I might finally have a long self indulgent cry....and darnit none will come. Laid there for an hour petting the occasional cat that came to visit and decided it wasn't going to happen.

Will have to have a converation with STBX this week. Both he and OW are in law enforcement in their county. He and I can sit down and see if we can come to agreement on major issues before our mediation appt on Nov 20, but if we can't I am going to have to petition to move the case to my county because I have concerns about the impartiality of the justice system in his home court. He had already mentioned moving it so that I wouldn't have to drive so much. However I do not want to have this talk until I get back from Disneyland with the kids and his Mom on Nov 4th. We've invested too much in this trip and I don't want it ruined.

And speaking of which - its not really major GAL - but I am going to sepnd a happy hour tootling around with an app that lets you set your Disneyland itinerary according to algorithms that predict shortest line waits to maximize your day and which just delights my geeky geeky brain. That being said - if the girls want to ride Dumbo 20 times I will happily chuck the plans out the window. Hope everyone is having a good weekend.

Last edited by raliced; 10/26/14 10:18 PM.

2 Ds: 7 and 4
BD and Sep: 7/14
Divorce Final 2/16
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raliced Offline OP
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Sometimes real life is better than anything you can make up.

I adopted a shelter cat a couple weeks ago (right before STBX announced he had filed). She's adapted to our household pretty well but does not like sharing a litter box and has had an accident or two.

This morning I woke up to discover she had a uh..messy accident... on my divorce papers (luckily she only ruined a page that just spelled out the final hearing date in April). I must have been sending her some sort of psychic message.

Last edited by raliced; 10/27/14 05:46 PM.

2 Ds: 7 and 4
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Divorce Final 2/16
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I have two new kitties myself. So far no accidents, but I could perhaps arrange one if necessary. Love it!



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Lining the litter box with D papers. Fantastic.

Love you guys. Hang in there, rali.


Me: 43 XW: 43
T15 M14
D21, SS15, S11, D8
BD: 8/6
EA / possible PA discovered 9/29
D final 10/20
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raliced Offline OP
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Just spoke with STBX.

He's on board with completing the refinance (I need this if I'm going to keep our house with one income)and was totally fine with recording the deed in my name only.

He "forgot" he had offered me a lump sum instead of monthly payments until D is final (not surprising since it looks like he already burned through that retirement fund).

We will meet next Wednesday to see if we can come to agreement about finances and kids - otherwise I will have to have case moved to my county.

Enough about Divorce. I've been reflecting the last couple of days and come to a couple of realizations.

1. One is about me: I had one live in boyfriend before STBX and a couple of year long relationships. All of these men (including STBX) have very strong mothers and some sort of strained relationship with their fathers. I guess this can't be coincidence- I need to explore why I am attracted to these types.

2. The other is about STBX. When we lived in Iowa, I didn't particularly like it there, I missed my family and for a while I had an extremely stressful job along with two small children. I went through a miserable period of a couple months (Which is probably when the marital discord really revved up)when D3 was 4 months old. Then one day, at work I just decided I would rather be happy and I was able to shake it off and focus on enjoying the good stuff in my life. Honestly, my husband seems to lack the capacity to do this. This changes nothing - I guess it just really reinforces the notion that he is on his own journey over which I have no control.


2 Ds: 7 and 4
BD and Sep: 7/14
Divorce Final 2/16
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hi raliced -- are you and STBXH able to discuss all of the D-related issues amicably? If so, is there anything you're doing to help ease the process along? I suspect I'll be where you are in a couple of months, based on my latest update, and I really want to make it as easy as possible. When you meet are you meeting with lawyers or mediators, or just the two of you?

I applaud you for being able to recognize in the past when your perception of your situation needed to be adjusted in order for you to feel happy. It is a true skill that will carry you through the rest of your life -- and especially in situations like the one you find yourself in now.

wishing you peace.


M: 43 H: 39
D: 14
Married 15 Together 16
BD: 6/2014
S: 8/2014
OW revealed 10/2014
Instigated dissolution 12/2014, in progress
So over it!
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Posts: 955
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raliced Offline OP
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Hi Ahoy-

STBX filed in his home county and they automatically appointed a mediator (appt is in 3 weeks).

I have no idea if we can discuss amicably or not (we are dark with each other and our kid exchanges are brief). I want to see how close we are on stuff before the mediation appt - because if we are far apart then I will petition to move to my county. He's a deputy sheriff, his OW is a parole officer and I just don't trust that I would get a fair hearing (even with a mediator) in that county . For all I know, they both know the mediator.

He already indicated in his divorce filing that I could have all the property - and I am proposing that he pay significantly less than he is now (but more than the court would order). I do want him to fund college accts for the girls.

The main difference is probably custody. I want full physical custody with visitation and he marked joint custody. The amt of time appears to be the same - but I want a little more say particularly during the school week (they come back exhausted every time and its a 45 minute drive both ways - add that to extracurricular activities and it seems like a problem to me)


2 Ds: 7 and 4
BD and Sep: 7/14
Divorce Final 2/16
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