W tells me she is going to date OM and drives off with my D2. I'm tired from getting my dream house ready to sell. I had some really bad nights over the summer, but this is contending for worst night of my life.
Me 38, WAW 30 D11 (former marriage) S2 T 8 years M 3 years BD 8/20/23 S 8/20/23
Um, hello, it is an affair. You're still married. Nice try, though. Geeze, what an alternate universe they all live in.
Me 47 - W 35 M 9 - T 10 2 Daughters - 7 & 9 Discovery of EA- 8/4/14 S - 8/5/15 D mentioned - 9/11/14 R & Piecing - 3/17/15 Regard one another as more important than yourselves. - Philippians 2:3
I know how you feel. I am packing up the dream house we bought together last August to move into my new studio apartment back in NYC. It's breaking my heart.
And my ex-fiance tells me that I will be fine, I am strong, this is just another break-up, it happens to people all the time, and I will find someone that will make me happy. What a jerk. I wanted to punch him with his smug, oh-so-cool zen conscious uncoupling attitude...
Engaged Aug 2009 Fiancé had doubts Jan 2010 Happily re-engaged July 2012 Discovery of affair July 2014 Separated July 2014 Fiancé is confused about whom to choose Chose the OW Oct 2014
"I wanted to punch him with his smug, oh-so-cool zen conscious uncoupling attitude..." Oh, so he's a hipster. Punch away. Might want to get some pointers from Dawgy first.
Me 47 - W 35 M 9 - T 10 2 Daughters - 7 & 9 Discovery of EA- 8/4/14 S - 8/5/15 D mentioned - 9/11/14 R & Piecing - 3/17/15 Regard one another as more important than yourselves. - Philippians 2:3
Just had a phone convo with WAW. I am filled with guilt. She says she was starved by our M. She had lost the ability to love anything, much less me. She didn't even love D2 when she left. She says she's bonded with her for the first time. I know she is in her fog and all, but my god this hurts. And there is at least some truth to it, because I was completely ignorant of emotional needs until after BD. I just thought you live however you live and what happens happens.
I sent a text apologizing for challenging her feelings (which I sort of did) and for assuming our journeys were very similar. I feel like a piece of s***. I was married to my best friend and completely ignored her needs. Why did it take a bunch of books to open my eyes to that.
Me 38, WAW 30 D11 (former marriage) S2 T 8 years M 3 years BD 8/20/23 S 8/20/23
I'm not buying it card. You may have been emotionally insensitive, and possibly not the greatest H. But I think it all starts from a place of positive intentions, we just assume out S feels and thinks in the same way we do so don't perceive the pain we are causing. And of course there are parts of us we dont want to have to deal with or change so we just hope the good we do outweights the bad. Doesn't mean we aren't responsible, just that we're not all sociopathic.
But no one deserves this stuff. Still, this isn't about a score card, it's about standing by your M. My STBX has put a few miles on her odometer as well. I just look at it as another form of medicating. I've said it before and will say it again. Replace OW with drinking a bit too much, gambling, reading romance novels, overheating, etc. It's not personal. Oh, and all that crap they say. Ignore it. Really. It's absurd. You can't block someone's love for their child. If someone said that on these forums Bond would hit them with a 2x4 so hard they'd be doing 360s instead of 180s. Whatever that means...
Back to you. What are you doing to care for yourself tonight? Might I sugges online chess videos? Chessnetwork just did a great tutorial about how to defeat the 'hippopotomous' defense. Ok...maybe I could use a GAL booster myself You've got this man, stay in your sandbox and have some fun!
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Now what do I do? I had planned that if it got to this point (OM or her open to OM), that I would set a boundary and have NC while she did that. I didn't anticipate to be riddled with guilt for how crappy of a H I had been. She didn't tell me any of this out of anger or emotion. Yes, she's in a fog, but I believe there is quite a bit of truth to what she said. Sounds like she might even be coming out of her fog and is seeing it this clearly.
Also, apparently she thought all of the DBing I've been doing has been an indication that I was "on the same page" with her regarding dating others.
Me 38, WAW 30 D11 (former marriage) S2 T 8 years M 3 years BD 8/20/23 S 8/20/23
What am I doing for me tonight? Fighting the urge to go to the grocery store and buy a six-pack for the first time in my life.
Yes, I do think some of what she says is BS from the fog. I also suspect her therapist has filled her head with some of these thoughts and has probably encouraged her to date. But there I feel there is a lot of truth to it.
The only positive I can take away from the convo is that she still didn't mention BigD and said "for now" after not wanting to work on us. My god, my W is going to date OM. I know that is not shock material on this board, but it is going to sting and sting and sting to know that in the coming weeks and months.
Me 38, WAW 30 D11 (former marriage) S2 T 8 years M 3 years BD 8/20/23 S 8/20/23
Card, I have been convicted of all the bad stuff I did as a husband, too. Put it to some use. This dating others BS is just that BS. She's going to say anything at this point to not feel any extra regret about her chosen self medication path. Remember, you'e talking to an alien living in your wife's body. Put your spew jacket on and stay the course.
Me 47 - W 35 M 9 - T 10 2 Daughters - 7 & 9 Discovery of EA- 8/4/14 S - 8/5/15 D mentioned - 9/11/14 R & Piecing - 3/17/15 Regard one another as more important than yourselves. - Philippians 2:3
Right now I can't see the course. I have been trying to prepare for OM, BigD, etc. But overwhelming guilt? I know I'm not a bad guy and I have doubts about the validity of everything she said. But my god the guilt. I've never felt anything like this
Me 38, WAW 30 D11 (former marriage) S2 T 8 years M 3 years BD 8/20/23 S 8/20/23
You've got this man, stay in your sandbox and have some fun!