Forgot to mention this: Had a sweet moment with S3 last night. As I was getting him out of the bath he was kissing me and trying to do something with my ears and he finally said "I want to speak in your ear" and then he whispered in my ear "I lub you". He did the same thing again this morning, I think he loved my reaction last night. I need to soak moments like these into my soul.
Me- 40 H- 41 S8, D5, S4 M 19 y T 23 Bomb drop 6/2013 H asked for/filed for D 9/2014 22 yo OW discovered 9/19/14 they're engaged and living together
Having a rough day today. Feeling hopeless and alone. I spent the morning shopping and preparing for D4's party and I just feel so sad that I am doing this all alone, for the first time without H's help. I miss him so much.
Then, when I got home there was a large package at my door. It was a present for D4 from H but he apparently had OW address it and take it to the post office. Just seeing her writing threw me into a loop of sadness. I'm not sure why seeing her writing hurts so much except that it is just more evidence that she exists in real life. And she knows about me, at least my name as the package was addressed to me. She doesn't REALLY know "about" me or even H, she has a man in crisis on her hands but I can't help but think that she addressed that package with glee, knowing I would see it and know it was her. Ugh. Why does this stupid thing hurt SO MUCH?
Oh, and to top it off, H got her a Frozen Elsa dress, from the Disney Store, which I have looked for months for and cannot find so I ended up buying her a handmade one on ebay. So, my gift is down the toilet and he looks like the hero. It's just wrong. He could have at least consulted me. I want to text him so badly and tell him how rude it was not to even run it by me and how he has ruined MY gift but I know it won't do any good and could do harm to him wanting to communicate with me.
I'm praying for some peace today. It was already an emotionally hard day and now it seems even worse. (and I'm beating myself up for being so down about such a small thing...)
Me- 40 H- 41 S8, D5, S4 M 19 y T 23 Bomb drop 6/2013 H asked for/filed for D 9/2014 22 yo OW discovered 9/19/14 they're engaged and living together
H has called and spoke to our little kids 2x since he left on 9/23 (that's all the effort he has made, it's not as if he's tried and I would not let them talk), he has talked to S8 once (the other time S8 refused to talk to him). And no, he does not check in at all on them. I tried to talk to him about a situation with S8 at school last week but he didn't respond to my text until I was busy the next day and he did not/has not asked about it since. The only thing we have discussed about the kids at all is D4's party. I don't text him to call the kids more regularly (as I am trying minimal contact) and he doesn't try from his end to reach out.
H has been gone nearly 2 years (for work until 8/27/14 BD) and I have found that I can take care of the kids fine on my own. We DID talk about the kids every night before he decided he wanted to D but now he doesn't even pretend to care or make it a topic of conversation as before...
Me- 40 H- 41 S8, D5, S4 M 19 y T 23 Bomb drop 6/2013 H asked for/filed for D 9/2014 22 yo OW discovered 9/19/14 they're engaged and living together
Ok, fellow DBers... I need to know how to handle this at my daughters party tomorrow:
If asked directly if there is OW, what should I say? My pastor says I cannot lie and I understand that but from a DBing standpoint I want to keep my odds of reconciling as high as possible and I understand to do that I possibly need to keep this quiet. I find myself wrestling with the right thing to do vs the smart thing to do.
As much as I would like to keep off this topic tomorrow, I can't. This is both our families and too many people already know about the D to keep the rest in the dark. MOST those that know of the D do not know about OW, I sort of danced my way around the truth to appease them but I can't do that anymore and claim to be a Christian who does not lie.
HELP!! All opinions welcome...
Me- 40 H- 41 S8, D5, S4 M 19 y T 23 Bomb drop 6/2013 H asked for/filed for D 9/2014 22 yo OW discovered 9/19/14 they're engaged and living together
How about, "I'm sure you're asking out of concern for me and the kids, so thank you for that. As you can imagine, I'm not comfortable discussing my marital situation right now. This is D4 day, anyway."
No lie involved. Validate their concern....it's your right to tell them you don't wish to discuss it.
(((((Hugs)))))
Have a great party tomorrow. Keep your chin up, fth..... "When you hold your face up to the light, the shadows fall behind."
"If asked directly if there is OW, what should I say? "
Just say "I appreciate your concern. I know you deeply care for our family. If you want to know if there is another woman, you'll have to ask my husband." Then smile and walk away.
"My pastor says I cannot lie"
He's not Jiminy Cricket. And besides who told you that you had to lie? You just don't need to tell anyone that he's got OW.
"As much as I would like to keep off this topic tomorrow, I can't."
Why? Are they holding you hostage? Are they demanding answers while putting a gun to your head? Don't be so dramatic. It's no one else's business but your own. You're not lying if you don't say anything.
"This is both our families and too many people already know about the D to keep the rest in the dark. MOST those that know of the D do not know about OW, I sort of danced my way around the truth to appease them but I can't do that anymore and claim to be a Christian who does not lie."
Again, no one told you to lie. RIght now you're going through the same thing that many LBS's go through. You "feel" the need to tell EVERYONE about how hurt you are, how wrongly you've been treated, etc. Calm those thoughts. All that's going to do is to have everyone you know have a bad opinion of your H and when he comes home, he'll have to deal with all of the damage that YOU caused.
You might as well have him wear a red A wherever he goes.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Tell they I m not comfortable or ready to talk about it. Its non of your bizness Ask my h
You don't have to answer. I think whoever brings it up at your d bday party is rude anyway.
And be careful what you tell others about your marriage
Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015) H 51 (ring off 7/2013) M 2007 T 1996 S 14 July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
Thanks to each of you for your responses. As it turns out, the topic of our D and where H was was not brought up too often and when it was I was able to handle it with dignity and people respected that the party was not the time to get into too many details. D5's birthday party was a great success and she had a blast.
I did speak to several family members about the situation during the weekend (I had a house full, I think there were 11 here overnight!) and they fully support me and standing for our marriage. The overall reaction is one of shock (You guys? If ANYONE is meant to be together it is you!) and agreement that H is in MLC. They are all very religious people as well and they are praying for us to reconcile. It is nice to have support from both sides of the family.
H will be here later in the week to spend time with the kids. I am looking forward to seeing him and going to the pumpkin patch together and also dreading the very likely reality that he will want to spend as little time possible with me. He's told me that talking to me and seeing me hurts too much. It's going to be weird and hurt to be in town and have him take my kids without me. Last time I went out of town so it was easier in a way.
My goal this week: Do SOMETHING, proactive for ME and only me.
Me- 40 H- 41 S8, D5, S4 M 19 y T 23 Bomb drop 6/2013 H asked for/filed for D 9/2014 22 yo OW discovered 9/19/14 they're engaged and living together
" I am looking forward to seeing him and going to the pumpkin patch together and also dreading the very likely reality that he will want to spend as little time possible with me."
That is your reality now. Why haven't you detached yet?
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
