Raliced, I have deliberately not asked questions about things that I think the answers would make me not want to keep fighting for my M. Maybe that's sticking my head in the sand. Think hard about whether you really want to put things in your head that you can't recover from. Not saying you shouldn't, just realize it's a choice with consequences.
I hear you - and I have taken that approach with other things. I separated my phone from the main wireless account because I didn't want to read through a bunch of text records (which I am sure exist) because I knew I could never unsee them.
I'm trying to examine my motives here - and part of just feels like I have never really understood what I am up against. There's leaving because you're depressed and unhappy and then there's completely blowing up your life because of MLC.
raliced -- just caught up on your situation and I am so sorry to hear what you've been going through this week. Can I ask: What were his grounds for D? Does he have to have grounds? I hope your situation can be resolved amicably. I'm struggling with anxiety about the dissolution process and if me and STBXH will be able to move through that amicably and with grace, keeping our D14's interests at heart. I know I am, but it's hard to trust someone who has lied so much.
CA is a no fault state - he doesn't need grounds. I think I said this already but part of me wants to rush the agreement part through while he is being amicable (he still seems to be willing to defer to me on child schedule for example). He seems pretty willing ot help keep us in our house which will require more than the usual amount of child support, at least for a year or two until my income catches up. Oh- and technically I would proabably have to pay him a smittance of alimony. Hopefully he will waive that.
Will see H for the first time since the divorce announcement at D6's soccer game today. In his email, he made a big deal out of this (since he has to get up early) as evidence of how he wants to be an "active dad".
What is the etiquette for seeing your estranged spouse for the first time after they have affirmatively stated they want to get the heck away from you ASAP? Ugh. I should seriously take up community theater, as I'm getting really good at acting.
I asked him two days ago when I should expect to be served and of course he hasn't answered. I hopoe he has the good sense to arrange this so its not done in front of the kids.
raliced, when I'm forced to go out in public with my estranged H in community settings, I try to arrange to meet up with a friend there, so I have someone to hang with. It acts as a buffer and prevents me from focusing on H's presence. Sit among friends, have your support system in place. Good luck!
M: 43 H: 39 D: 14 Married 15 Together 16 BD: 6/2014 S: 8/2014 OW revealed 10/2014 Instigated dissolution 12/2014, in progress So over it!
Well - I guess one thing just got cleared up. D6 just asked me if Daddy loved his friend, "Lisa" more than me. "Lisa and Daddy share the same bed at their house
Oh crap. Sorry raliced, that is horrid. Hope you are doing ok.
As far as the quick timeline you mentioned (BD, move out, file for divorce) - it sounds to me like your H is deep in the affair fog. If that doesn't work out (and it probably won't) I expect he will be very regretful of his hasty decisions.
The best thing you can do at this point is drop the rope completely and let him go on his path. if that means you get a divorce first then that is how it goes. But in Calif it takes 6 months, correct? It could likely be that before 6 months is up he changes his mind. If you can remain cool, calm and collected throughout this process you will keep your dignity and if you still have any interest in reuniting that would give you the best chance.
Maybe at this point you hate him so much you can't imagine reuniting but try to stay cool for now and amicable and see what the future holds. These affairs can burn out quickly.
A friend of mine made the decision to stop her divorce the week before it would have been final, and now they are happily expecting twins. That waiting period is there for a reason.
Good luck and keep your chin up! We are here for you.
So when H got to game - I asked him if he was still going to pretend that he didn't live with his girlfriend and he said "no". I told him what our daughter had said (including stuff about the PDAs they have done in front of the kids). Lots of "ok..ok...ok...ok" and some vague hostility.
On at least three previous occasions he has strenuously denied this and seemed indignant that I would doubt his word.
Lisa - I am in fact dropping the rope. I loved my husband - I do understand that he is in a fog and I genuinely believe that he is depressed and not himself. Nonetheless, he still knows the difference between right and wrong and this was very wrong. I cannot love or respect a man who would be so oblivious to how damaging this could be to his kids and I don't want to be married to him right now.
I'm not entering any other romantic relationships and I will continue to DB- but I am under no illusion that it is for anyone but myself. Who knows what will happen years from now - but I have accepted that a divorce will happen.
I had to tell D6 what was going on (by myself because of course H took off after the game). I emphasized how much we both loved her, but that in fact Daddy was not going to live with Mommy anymore. She immediately asked if he was going to marry "Lisa" and then cried and said some incredibly painful things.
I am trying to be compassionate, I really am - but I am a long ways from forgiveness.
