You may remember that last Feb ('03) when bomb #3 dropped, CJ and I had THE big talk in which he swore total fidelity, honesty etc. After months and months of incredible lies, of course.
Within the week, I had this awful feeling about his e-mail and yes, demanded his password. That's when I found (amidst all the junk porn stuff) what looked like a personal e-mail.
CJ was standing at my shoulder and demanded I shut the computer off...that it was just another junk e-mail.
Well I opened it, of course, and it was a personal and rather suggestive e-mail from an unknown woman.
I e-mailed her back asking who she was (pretending to be CJ for a few rallies) and then "chatted" with her...she was one of his chat line buddies, he'd helped her through a suicidal period months earlier.
She'd started e-mailing him again a couple of weeks earlier.
So WHY did he lie about it? After all those promises!! At such a crucial time!
He said he just freaked in the moment and figured I would snap, that I'd think he was having an A with her, that I wouldn't believe him etc....
Wish those "Bonehead" awards were around a year ago!!
Shiny
P.S. I was definitely in hunter/angry woman mode during this event...I personally could never just keep such "findings" to myself...
Quote: P.S. I was definitely in hunter/angry woman mode during this event...I personally could never just keep such "findings" to myself...
YEP! that's me too. I guess because I existed for so long behind my H's lies and deception that anytime I see a potential flag I immediately call my H's attention to it....right or wrong I figure it's not good for MY mental health to wallow in the 'wonder' so I drag it out into the open so we can get a good look at it if only to let my H know that my eyes are wide open and I am no longer in the BSing myself business.
I just absolutely refuse to stuff things anymore for my H's benefit, I've paid a tremendous price for his deception and I'm out of emotional cash...I'm NOT going to pay for any more of HIS mistakes...the bill's solely ON HIM now. T2
I told Wolfie that I had lived for years with that sick feeling in my stomach...not knowing what was going on, but knowing he was keeping secrets and knowing when he was lying. I told him that I had lived like that for a long time, and won't go back to that. Most of the issues were around money--but actually he would lie about ANYTHING he thought would upset me.
Now, if flags come up, I WILL not just sit and live with that. If I know he's lying about something--I obviously can't force him to be truthful, but I can remind him of how our R is affected by dishonesty.
I guess the rules of the R have changed a bit.
He seems to really appreciate that I didn't flip out about this or shame him. I hope that will help him the next time something like this comes up. If nothing else, he's gotten a good reminder that my intuition is nothing to underestimate.
I felt compelled to add some thoughts from the Spouse of the person with heightened "intuition"...
You see, CJ is the one in our pair who has this. Yup, you read right. My first glimmer was before we got M, and he "intuited" that I'd tried to contact an old flame....he woke crying from a nightmare about it (no way he could have known).
It's rather intimidating to live with someone who can sniff you out like that (and about little things as well)...sometimes it gets my defenses up.
But one thing I HAVE learned is not to even bother lying...I'm no good at it, and he picks up on it anyway.
Not sure WHY I felt compelled to write this, I just did!
T2, you and I have been on the same page on this lately. Wolfie used to say I was "controlling". Maybe in some ways I was, but in many ways I was also a complete whimp. For the first time in my life, I was honest-to-God in love an was afraid to lose him...so I put up with a lot of things I shouldn't have.
I have learned that he really does need to hear many positives for every negative and is very sensitive to critisism, so I have to add a "spoonful of sugar so the medicine goes down". I won't stay silent anymore, though.
Through this god-awful ordeal I have had two things really hammered home: yes, I really do love that man deeply, but I have self-respect and self-love. I have boundaries. If they are crossed, I will follow through because I am not afraid of being alone. You can love someone like crazy and they could still not be good for you.
I actally have more faith in him than he realizes.
Shiny: you probably felt compelled to write it because you are not one to run from the truth or practice denial. You know that there are things that you did that helped your marraige along to the place where it got (no you are not responsible for what CJ did) but we all have mistakes we have to own up to, don't we? You also have youself to pat on the back for all of the work you have done to pull things back together.
LOL. I am just thinking of some of the early-on things that freaked Wolfie out re my intuition.
We had been dating, but not acknowledging that we were dating for several months before I realized that he was downright besotted, but I would have to take the bull-by the horns, so to speak. Within a week, he was telling me that he wanted to marry me, but that he couldn't BELIEVE he was saying that! He actually accused me of using some kind of Indian love medicine on him!!! I told him that I could have done that, but had no need to.
Not long after that, he was telling me of his upbringing and how difficult it had been to be brought up with little to no knowledge of his native culture. The poor man was so disconnected that he "thought" he may have some connection to canines and told me a story of how the wild dogs used to follow him around when he'd go visit his family on the rez--the wild dogs that every one else was terrified of. As a boy, he'd been given the nickname of "Puppy-Boy" because of the way the wild ones would follow him around like pets.
He told me of his g-g-grandfather, the hereditary chief of their Tribe, and how he had dreams of that ancestor, particularly at important life-events.
I laughed and laughed and told him about how he was Wolf and what that meant. I teased him and said, "Puppy-Boy" ain't no proper Indian name for a full-grown man, I can't marry nobody named Puppy-boy!"
The NEXT morning, Wolfie woke me up and looked shaken up. He had dreamed of his g-g-father, who had told him some words over and over--getting frustrated that Wolfie didn't understand what was being conveyed.
I told Wolfie to write them words down--phonetically as they sounded, and call his Aunty up to find out the meaning of those words in that Tribe's language. He called his Aunty and she was shocked to hear those words, not only because they were in their old language, but because those words were his gg-father's Indian name.
Of course the name has to do with his gg-father's connection to wolves also.
I told the Aunty that this had happened because I was disrespectful and had teased about not being able to marry any "Puppy Boy" and obviously he had been given a real Indian name now. I told her that I was going to apologize to their ancestor and put out a spirit plate for him.
That is the true story of how Wolfie got his Indian name.
The ancestor he inherited the name from is also the one who I drempt of--who showed me the infidelity even showed me what that OW looked like.
I can understand that it must be real spooky to live with us who can "know" things in a way that can't be known in the logical sense.
Then again, how many of us have experienced that "gut" sense before confirming an A?
There have been times when my intuition told me to do one thing and I did the other. The other was not the right thing. I think inituition is something I need to pay more attention, we all need to pay more attention to.
