Need help 2

[lostluv]

so tonight's session started with counselor asking how things were. my wife instantly focused on the night two weeks ago that I cried and she got mad. she never brought it back up but she said that I've just been acting like everything is fine....and things are NOT fine. that's the only thing she had. not sure if I should take that as SHE NOTICED a change? obviously she did but it seems to have backfired??

basically all came down to making it understood that I do not want it to end, and she said she is ready to be done but don't want to hurt me. she said she doesn't know how to "fix" the way she feels.

basically our "assignment" is to go with the thought for the next two weeks (until our next appointment - which I left up to her if she wanted) that it's a strong possibility that the marriage is done. counselor feels that before anything, my wife needs to feel "safe" emotionally so we need to entertain the idea that it is "safe" to allow my wife to feel it's done. but she insisted that any decision is NOT URGENT. We have time, just work on making each other feel safe and know each will be ok without the other if it comes to that. Then we will go from there.

I feel empty and cold. I do want to make my wife feel safe, and I told her in the session that this is not at all what I want, but I will not stand in her way if this is what she truly wants.

how to act as if it is done is beyond me. I am numb and feel like giving up.

[Zues126]

Hey lost, sorry to hear that. We do all support you for sure.

Feelings aside...

Feelings aside, when you look back at your road in a few years, wherever you are, how long would you want to say you stood by her? An hour? Week? Month? 6 months? Or until it was clear she had healed and moved on with her life as her new self?

Feelings aside, if (heaven forbid) something happened to her, what would you do with your life?

Feelings aside, what changes do you feel you want to work on for yourself so you are healthier on your own?

The reason these questions are so important are that they make you FEEL better sooner for two reasons:

1) you will grow into a stronger person, someone who can accept what life brings you, and is strong enough to handle their sitch without missing out in the joy in their life. This is not only completely positive, it is the only person she could get miss or make a R work with down the road.

2) focusing on you empowers you because you are in complete control. Focusing on her does the opposite because you have no control.

Remember one thing- separation and time for personal growth are REQUIRED for both of you. Even if she said she wanted to work on the M 6-12 months apart might've been the only way for it to have a chance. My suggestion is to act 'as if' she told you she is open to possible R down the road but wants 6 months to work on herself and have you do the same, then see where you're at from there. Because if she said that you'd do the SAME THING. Bottom line, make your 6 months count and whatever she does you'll be better. And she will never say hat but trust me, she's watching you closely as well.

I know it's different when you see her start to pursue other men, etc. if that's a deal breaker that's yours to decide. For most of us on the board we recognize that as a short term coping mechanism by a depressed person no more personal than drinking, shopping too much, or going to the casino. Would you give up if she was doing that? I know for me I feel sad that my spouse is in that much pain and will stand by until I know she's not going to recognize and address it.

My vote is that you set the example. Show her the character you wish she had. Show her how to grow in ways you wish she would. If you can't do what you expect her to do that's not fair. And if you do, like I said, you'll be better off no matter what.

Sorry it's a tough day. I just want you to grow from it. You've paid the price in pain for your mistakes. I don't want them to be repeated because giving up is easier than standing tall in the short term.

[lostluv]

appreciate that zues.

I actually went through this quite a few years back. long story short, married at a very young age to a girl I got pregnant (tried doing right thing for wrong reason)...she was EVIL!!! ended up cheating, getting pregnant and living with a guy as we were splitting up. then she was with a few other guys and had two other kids (different fathers) and then married again, divorced and living with many different men. my son came to live with me when he was 9 til he went to the army.
anyway....a short while after my divorce, I dated a woman and I was heavy into it with my heart .... a girl from highschool. that was a heart breaking experience. it took me 11 years to open my heart again, and that was to my current wife. we both had the same morals, outlooks, everything....even the same outlook at marriage. we used to joke about people getting married saying it should be "to have and to hold til death do us part ...or until we don't want to be together aymore" ....that was only a year ago. even a year ago she used to tell me how grateful she was and how much she loved me...that's why I was so thrown off by all of this.
I know how I am with a broken heart and I do NOT want to go through it again. I know I'm attractive, smart, funny, great work ethic and a loving father but at this point I don't feel I could ever love another woman.

anyway, I had a back slide tonight.....we talked a little bit and I tried to validate her feelings and told her I understand that she feels she can be done and asked her how she wanted to proceed...she said she don't know. I just told her that it's ok for her to feel the way she does and I understand and as much as I do NOT want a divorce and that doesn't have to be our ONLY option, I am not going to hold her back if that's what she truly wants or needs to be happy. she just got mad and said I don't even listen. then I repeated back to her in my own words how she felt and she agreed....wtf?

basically ended the night with telling her I love her no matter what and kissed her on the forehead and said goodbye as I got ready for work.

deep inside I hope she changes her mind, but reality tells me she won't . she is stubborn (polish / russian LOL)


where to go from here?
should I put together something splitting up the bills and assets for her to review?
we make about the same money, we both have student loans (hers are MUCH more than mine), we only have one car payment (hers) and the house payment. I would like to keep the house becuase I've put so much blood and sweat into it already....and JUST IN CASE she changed her mind ....also, it's a familiar place for my daughter.

she always used to cringe about people getting nasty in a divorce and taking each other for everything and she used to say that if for some reason that ever happened she hopes we wouldn't come to that.....but ya know....she changed her mind about everything else!!!


anyway....yeah...going to be a rough night at work, and a very rough road ahead. physically and financially I'm sure I will be fine, but the emotional part may kill me this time.

[lostluv]

oh, another part of the backslide.....I copied and pasted the article about the walk away wife syndrome and emailed it to her. I'm sure that is going to be devastating to any chance i have....

I cut out the last paragraph about coming to the website and the intro paragraph.

[Shakspr]

That sounds like a serious oops. Not at all like "Acting as if" it's done per the counselor's recommendation.

(2x4 coming) I don't want to be an @$$...but are you TRYING to harpoon yourself?

I was going to recommend...go ahead and make the division of assets plan. Put on some pressure. But not now. Additional confusion is exactly what this relationship does not need.

[lostluv]

i don't know how to ACT as if we are DONE if nothing changes. I'm tryng to think of what I should do and am just spinning inside.....dazed....confused. (even though I saw it coming)

she is absolutely convinced that she is done and her feelings won't change. I was convinced that there was a chance. looks like she wins....harpoon or no harpoon. I do not have a choice in the matter because I do not control her. I do not want to be the one to file, I do not want to be the one to move out.

the most unfortunate part is my daughter!!!!!! I'm SO f'ing bitter and mad that my daughter is going to have to go through this. she is such a happy and content little angel. divorce is so devastating to children. and it DOESN'T HAVE TO HAPPEN!!!!!!!!!!!!

it's going to be an EXTREME struggle for me to act like i'm not completely crushed.

sorry to rant and vent, just doing therapy.......

[lostluv]

I actually wanted to do the email as therapy as I saw suggested "just type it up but don't send it, save it as a draft and just re-read it a couple times"..... yeah....that didn't work.

how do I not give up now.....definitely feeling hopeless

[lostluv]

Very tough night last nigh. Had to leave work early because I lost it.....Couldn't keep from crying in my office. Cried the whole 20 minute drive home and for about an hour at home. Luckily was all dried up by the time my wife got up.
She looked ROUGH. eyes were extremely puffy. Not much said before she left for work. I took my daughter to babysitter then came home and had a few bv & coke ....but still had trouble sleeping.

Got up and had some coffee. My wife informed me that she read the article I sent her. She was fairly talkative (I let her initiate other than "good morning"

She didn't do much to get ready for her "girls night".....still looked kinda rough. She informed me of their plan change of plans as to were they were meeting up. Weird. I simply told her to have fun.

I made a list of assets and bills but haven't approached her with it yet. I'm torn between asking to keep the house and I will assume the payment or selling it and finding a place to rent. I'm assuming SHE will want to keep the house. Guess we will cross that bridge when we get to it.

[Jefe]

Slow down, man.

Best thing I can offer you for now is BE STILL. I know you're not a Godly man, but you are going to have to figure out some sort of higher power and surrender to it. Be still, and stop trying to "manage" and "control" your life. That's where the breakdown is happening. Let things unfold on their own, especially now.

Keep a PMA as best you can, and if you can't do it around her, fake it. My mental state sux right now too, but I don't show that to her.

Keep journaling.

[lostluv]

I'm struggling a little bit right now. I'm working on detaching and my wife is out w girls. They are driving an hour away (after happy hr) for a haunted house....which I'm sure they will drink more after. I will be at work and babysitter will be here.
I'd really like to know that my wife makes it home safe, but I don't know how to ask her without her thinking I'm just trying to keep tabs. We have always been considerate that way but things have changed.
Should I just tell her I am still concerned with her safety and would appreciate knowing she gets home safely?
It's not me being controlling, I'm legitimately concerned