I hear you Shakespr. And I agree - since H moved out - I actually think I've been a better parent to my kids.
I actually condensed my fears around the kids into "reduced time with them" but of course there's a lot more too it than that.
I worry that my kids will have to constantly shuttle back and forth between households and won't feel that they have a single, comforting "real" home.
I worry that I won't be able to provide the life that we originally planned for them.
I too worry about the influence of potential stepmothers.
I worry that this will affect their adult relationships.
And so on...and so on.. and so on....
I know that there are many kids who turn out perfectly well from divorced households. Some of them are on these boards. It just seems like the odds got a lot harder.
It's something I need to work on - if this all comes to pass, I can't let my fears affect my daughters.
My parents stayed married until my youngest brother started college.
They bickered daily/weekly depending on whether or not Dad was home (often out of town, in construction.) Put-downs, snark, disagreement and disappointment filled their conversations. Backing down and forgiveness were foreign concepts
My brothers and I bonded well, but we look at our parents as knuckleheads. Dad is verbally abusive and completely out of our lives, in spite of attempts by each of us (as adults) to re-initiate a relationship. He has severed that through actions repeatedly despicable.
Mom is bitter and permanently unhappy at her lot in life. Thinks the only thing she ever got right was raising her boys. Has been extremely crude and crass with wives and grandchildren. She doesn't know what the word appropriate means. I, of course, love her to pieces. But I need a Grandma for my kids.
We all tried to cope by doing virtually ANYTHING else with our lives, often a combination of service to country, corporate success, consistently good providers for our family, no infidelity. We live by principles. Unfortunately, we didn't develop very good relationship skills, often viewing the world through a lens of "us" vs. "everyone who disagrees with us."
I mention this only to say...you are already trying harder, and actually thinking about what it takes, to be a better parent. No matter what your H does. If you did nothing else for the rest of your life but read DB/DR, and applied those principles to relationship building...if you simply stop going down cheeseless tunnels... your children will be better for it.
Home is where the heart is. You've got tons of that.
Me: 43 XW: 43 T15 M14 D21, SS15, S11, D8 BD: 8/6 EA / possible PA discovered 9/29 D final 10/20
I understand your fears completely. I often see my situation of three against one. Especially since there was no hostility in our marriage that I saw, nor did the kids see it. Our kids (4,5) constantly ask me questions about the future and it breaks my heart that I can't currently help them with that. That translates into me hating the time that I can't spend with them. I myself can't even anticipate that feeling far into the future so I can empathize with them. During my BD, I said to my wife that this isn't a decision for one person, its for four people. Its ashame as parents, we can't even come to agreement on what is best for them. While we're all struggling with not being able to decide with our spouses what is best, each and everyone one of is us here is fighting what we feel is best and we need to take solace that is a big part of what a great parent does for their kids. That's all we can do right now and their future and our own personal futures are out of our hands. So we can't let that get in the way of the present. Its tough, and I think I should heed my own words
Never did hear from H. He'll be here tomorrow to pick up the girls so maybe he will have something to say then.
My DB coach says I'm supposed to chat more and make some conversation during these exchanges. I guess this afternoon, I'm going to have to write down some stuff to say and practice it or I can see myself awkwardly and mechanically saying something like "How about that Ebola, crazy, huh?"
My MIL reached out and told me she had sent H her itinerary for when she comes out in a few weeks and was leaving it up to him to take the initiative to suggest something but she wasn't expecting to see him. She also said that the really important and valuable thing was to spend every possible moment with "the girls and you". I have to say, that made me feel pretty good, although I am sad for H.
Have had a good weekend. Bought some vintage games and spent a fantastic couple of evenings playing "Hungry, Hungry Hippo" and Twister with the girls, my team won their soccer match 5-2 (it turns out I am a pretty good coach) we went to a pumpkin patch, I sang in the choir this morning and got to watch D6 in the front row beam with pride and am topping it off by making homemade pretzels with them and watching my favorite football team.
I'm going to have to write down some stuff to say and practice it or I can see myself awkwardly and mechanically saying something like "How about that Ebola, crazy, huh?" .
That made me lol thanks for that .
Me 40 W 37 Together 22 years S18 D12 WaW 12/08/14 after affair exposed , suspected for several months W returned home for 2 weeks to see if can handle family life After the 2 weeks she has left .
I'm going to have to write down some stuff to say and practice it or I can see myself awkwardly and mechanically saying something like "How about that Ebola, crazy, huh?" .
That made me lol thanks for that .
But so true. :-)
M: 57 / EW: 52 T: 21, M: 8 S: 18, S: 15 Bomb: 1 Jun 14 EA Aug 2014 I think PA Feb 2015 possibly sooner
H picked up kids this morning and did not reference email exchange at all- so I'm just going with - "I answered his question".
As instructed by DB coach - I tried to make more conversation, talked about how D6's reading is going, Halloween scheduling, soccer game etc (all kids stuff - I really need to open it up to some other topic). Our exchange usually takes about 2 minutes. I think I managed to stretch it to 5.
I did ask him if he would take me, the kids and his Mom to the airport when we leave for our Disneyland trip in a couple of weeks and pick us up as well (DB coach approved of this). He said yes without hesitation.
I notice that while H is usually pretty grim these days he does seem to mirror my tone somewhat when we interact - so I am really going to have push the positive attitude, maybe it will rub off :-). I also think if I am going to fulfill DB coach's instructions to increase conversation, I am going to really have to work at asking some open ended questions so that he says something other than "ok". Small talk is not my strong suit.
On the plus side - while I was tense ahead of time (as always), I actually didn't feel the usual swell of emotion when I actually saw him. That was nice.
Had a funny moment today. A Fedex package was delivered at my work . I had a moment of absolute panic and dread where I thought it was divorce papers (which I admit are probably not delivered via FedEx- Whoops).
It was actually a very handsome plaque from my company recognizing that I had finished my Six Sigma Black Belt Certification. I had to really scramble on this - the final work was due a couple of weeks after BD, and I almost went off the rails with it.
Anyway- Now that I have it, I'm hoping I'll be able to find another position with the company that will allow me to work from home a signicant amount of the time - and it should help me get to making that mortgage payment by myself.
H has girls - so house is empty - will celebrate with the hounds and kitties instead.
