Small steps and noting small successes (W making forward-looking comments implying she sees a future with me, me letting them slide outwardly and inwardly cheering) Being cool and collected and not fixating on relationship discussions: detaching...
Me 51 W46 S 20,18,14 T21 M20 DDAY 1 Sept 2014 Current: W ending A?
Part of the issue is that for her to work out what she wants, she needs to round things off with OM
What does this mean, she needs to "rounds things off" with him?
It sounds (from here) like she's basically asking you to "let me continue my affair a little while longer, while I let OM down easy." That NEVER works (I made the same mistake, btw, before finally doing it the RIGHT way).
Hi, just wanted to say I can't reach the link by clicking it or copying/pasting it. Says "can't find server". Am I doing something wrong? God knows I'm no computer/internet expert.
I'll post more later as it comes...thanks
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I'm so sorry you are here, though it's the best place to be, for a lousy reason.
There are some semantics going on here, I think. Starsky and Bond have given you their thoughts and you seem to be in agreement.
So it seems it's a matter of timing.
How long is "enough" for her to resolve whatever it is that is such a thorn in her side? VERSUS "too much time" --at which point you'll feel too many blows to the ego and heart, and your self respect may Not remain intact.
^^ That's a fine line at times, and it shifts and gets blurry, OFTEN.
But you seem pretty aware of all that. I think the Div Busting/Remedy books WILL HELP YOU with this.
Glad you're reading it/them. (BTW, the Div Remedy book is, IMO, simply the 2nd edition of the first Div Busting book.)
The 2nd book is very similar to the first - but the first one, Div Busting, goes into more data about how damaging divorce can be. IF you are on the fence about divorce in general, read that part twice...AND
It's vital that a LB spouse KNOW BEFOREHAND , what the ramifications are of filing at all, versus for a separation (allowed in some states) Or divorce. Knowledge is power. All I can say other than that is if you can hire a DB coach, DO IT.
They're worth their weight in gold. I had one (a GODSEND if ever there was) and I had 15 sessions with her over 2 year period.
I did a lot to save the m, including and mostly, working on ME and MY STUFF. I had some traits that had worsened over the years that needed removal or improvement asap. I had become bitter, and withholding of approval and or affection (did not want to "reward" h for "bad behavior" by BEING KIND!!)
OMG What an idiot I was...did it never occur to me(?) over all those years, that maybe by being kind and loving and warm, I'd be giving him something to miss, not to escape from)
Anyway, of all the many resources I availed myself, if I could only have one ... if only ONE person could have helped me throughout that ordeal (instead of the many here, who did) it would be my DB coach.
She was the lynchpin of our reconciliation and my own work on forgiveness.
I hope you try having a DB coach for even just 1 session (packages of 3 are well worth looking into)
You'd get Very specific targeted advice for YOUR situation and YOU and YOUR spouse.
So Not a one size fits all approach, and easier to grasp the concepts with a coach.
I can't say enough about it. Please consider it.
So I think you're doing right by your long marriage to Not throw it all away for what MIGHT be a weird piece of your w's life - in which she feels compelled to get closure on something SHE THINKS was real, but which has been so idealized over the past 2 decades, just impossibly hard to compete with that imagery.
(It's telling that OM has another "love" in his life as well, so your wife isn't the "ONE who got away", but rather, she's one of many...
I'll post more specifically later as I am on the run. But I see hope in your situation for several reasons that are probably obvious to you now.
Keep on keeping on and YES GAL is best done in ways that get your mind OFF of the spouse.
I did a LOT OF GAL and doing community theater (and later, Stand Up Comedy) helps for several reasons like being FUN and FUNNY and meeting new talented and or hilarious people.
But another part of that^^ is how pre-occupied one has to be, to perform in front of a live audience.
I noticed at the FIRST rehearsal of a dramatic play I was in back then, that I had not thought of h or our situation for 3 hours....a RECORD.
That alone, makes GAL worth it. Never mind the other dozen benefits...
(okay, NOW I really do have to go!)
J- (aka "25")
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
25yrsMLC thanks for the thoughtful response. Here again is the link to the post from Theoden - hope it works this time - I tested it this time and it seems to work
I decided on the DR book partly based on recommendations from the forums here. I do have a fairly clear idea of the implications of D for myself and W - and it carries a high cost for both of us in may senses not just moneywise. Am prepared to consider S and have been on the point of asking her to move out a couple of times but DR process seems to be working well so I am giving it time to work through. Starsky - I understand your message. W accepts that she must conclude the A and she seems to want to find her way out of the fog. She has 20+ yr of idealization, 18 mo of EA and 6 mo of PA to unwind/wrap up in her mind. So what I see right now is her struggling to do that, some of which she needs to talk thru with OM. It does not *look* like she is just continuing the A (as I see it right now) 25years - I have been getting counselling on and off since last year. My mother died Aug2013 and that combined with W seeing OM in EA was just too much for me to cope with. MC was mostly for me - W attended 2 or 3 sessions but it was just making it worse - she was in the throes of falling from EA into PA so her mind had been abducted by aliens anyway. MC here more or less along same lines as DB (I live in Europe)- so I have taken what is useful from that and combined it with DR book and support from this forum. Considering DB phone session - though right now I do not have too many open questions to deal with - I have my action plan.
Me 51 W46 S 20,18,14 T21 M20 DDAY 1 Sept 2014 Current: W ending A?
Starsky - I understand your message. W accepts that she must conclude the A and she seems to want to find her way out of the fog. She has 20+ yr of idealization, 18 mo of EA and 6 mo of PA to unwind/wrap up in her mind. So what I see right now is her struggling to do that, some of which she needs to talk thru with OM.
Bullchit.
You don't "talk thru" the need to go no-contact with someone, by having even more contact with them to discuss it. You end it (strongly preferred), with a letter, the content of which is approved by your husband and the letter is MAILED by your husband. Or, you end it by, you know, just ENDING it.
The whole "I need to wrap things up" thing is a load o' krap, Anaru, and that's what's putting you dangerously close to "cuckold" territory.
...and, until she ends it, do what? I detach, GAL and move on. I have told her what my expectations are (end it or move out) I am not going to keep repeating them ad nauseam she knows the drill. Not planning on ultimatums - just doing things. Am away for next 2 weeks on other side of the planet - work plus visiting my Dad, and on return will just get on tidying up finances etc. I am considering what to say to my Dad & brothers and my MIL. So far nothing - just been getting support from MC, and a couple of friends. Am erring on the side of caution right now per DR advice. MIL I am definitely leaving up to W to sort out.
W had told a girlfiend (she and her H are friends of ours) about the A almost right after the first time W & OM went to bed together. Anyone else got experience of dealing with friends who were in on the A before you were?
Me 51 W46 S 20,18,14 T21 M20 DDAY 1 Sept 2014 Current: W ending A?
