Ok .. I realize that this is not my place to say this but I see one thing in your sitch that I just want to point out. (Small 2x4 ) You say that you are having a hard time with H being passive. ...... Confession ... I became passive in my M, my IC pointed it out, it eroded my self esteem and in a big way contributed to the issues in my M. Reading how "We agreed, you suggested, this and that" .... I cringed. My W became controlling (because she had to..someone had to take control, and it got to a point it was easier letting her do it than to argue over it) and honestly I started resenting her for that ... hearing his replies to you .. "What ever works for you, what ever you think, am I allowed" he is afraid of conflict with you , and in a way might be running away from that ... I did the same thing .. I never left her, pfffft to terrified to take it that far, but I sure as hell avoided her for years at night.
This might be a good 180 spot for you ... refuse to make these "suggestions and decisions" throw it back in his court and allow him to be a man so to speak. I ended up taking this type of tone back as of late and it has proved valuable .. maybe this might be beneficial
I really appreciate you taking the time to stop by my thread. And I assure you I take it in the spirit it was intended. I will definitely be on the lookout for this. I have to say the issue with H being passive predates our marriage and even our dating. It was actually my biggest reservation about marriage with him. When I have broached the subject in the past, he always responded with "happy wife, happy life ". I actually had a DB coaching session today and she wanted me to poke him a little into doing family events. So I won't be able to completely eliminate the suggestions - but I will take your warning to heart.
Wow- so here I have been ruminating about my husbands passivity off and on for the last couple of days and all of the sudden he does something assertive.
I got an email from him this evening. Just to review right after BD, I asked him for a 6 month cooling off period. I also explained that he would have to help me with a refi on the house if we were going to save it. he agreed to both things. The appraisal for the house came in low and I have been in the process of challenging it.
In his email he had linked the 6 months and the refi together- he said he just wanted to know what was going on with it. He seemed to think possibly that I was going to file right after the refi was completed . He mentioned me filing 3 times. He wanted to know "what was the plan" and said he didn't know what the next steps were. I have no idea how he got everything so jumbled up.
So anyway I responded. It was pretty simple - I know I have said all these things before to him - but they don't seem to have completely registered. Here is what I said.
What is the next step? I guess that is where there is some confusion. You have mentioned financial issues, but to me they are not tied to the 6 months- when I asked for a 6 month cooling off period it was primarily because I did not think we should do anything immediately. This will affect too many lives, yours, mine, our daughters, our families, etc. Frankly, I think we should wait even longer before such a terrible step, but I'll take 6 months.
What is the plan? I do not want a divorce. I think you know that and I have told you that. When I was a kid my worst nightmare was that my parents would divorce and now we are contemplating inflicting that pain on our precious daughters. That is literally incomprehensible to me. You and I have both made a lot of mistakes in this marriage and we have both been unhappy. I do not want to go back to the old marriage. However we have never made any contsructive attempt to resolve these issues. I am willing to do that with you, but you are in another relationship. I am aware that it would take a lot of work on both of our sides and would be very difficult.
If at the end of 6 months you still want to divorce, I will work together with you to put together some sort of mutually acceptable plan and we can put it in the hands of a mediator (who can help resolve any issues or disagreements we might have). I will not file for divorce, you will have to do that. We are not divorcing. You are divorcing me.
Ugh. So now I guess I get to sit and wait for what he says.
I noticed that in an earlier thread you wrote this about a 180.
Quote:
Trying to figure out where to pull a 180 is challenging. I know that prior to all this, my husband was fond of saying things like "he married up" - and somewhere along the way he lost all admiration and respect for me. I know one of the issues in the marriage is that I probably avoided conflict and let all the little things go that were bothering me - but doing a 180 on that one and directly addressing things that bother me directly now - seems to run counter to the whole concept of detaching and LRT.
Then today you wrote this...
Quote:
However we have never made any contsructive attempt to resolve these issues. I am willing to do that with you, but you are in another relationship.
I am curious why you said to him "in another relationship" and why not call it what it really is.. AN AFFAIR?????
Was this to avoid conflict again? To me there is a huge difference in the way you addressed that. Maybe calling it what it really is would gain back some respect from him for you. It doesn't have to be said in a mean way, however I think it should be said in a matter of fact way. He's having an affair. It is what it is....
Wow -- that is verbatim what I would like to write to my H, if only we were communicating about anything important. I'm sure it was hard to come up with the right words, but I think you did a fine job. You're making it clear that you're willing to work, and that the ball is in his court. He will have to take responsibility for the D if that's what he wants.
M: 43 H: 39 D: 14 Married 15 Together 16 BD: 6/2014 S: 8/2014 OW revealed 10/2014 Instigated dissolution 12/2014, in progress So over it!
Thanks Ahoy - I was back to no sleeping last night. I cannot figure out how he got it in his head that I was planning on filing. We've only had two real conversations and I feel like during those I must have sounded llike Charlie Brown's teacher with only words like file, lawyer and divorce coming through. I know this probably wasn't classic DBing but I really felt I had to address those misconceptions. And probably not bad to have it in writing in case he starts to drift again.
He has not responded yet. I guess I get to look forward to a day of checking my phone for an answer every 5 minutes. Maybe he wil really startle me and actually call, but I doubt it.
What a difference a day makes. Yesterday I was mellow and reflective, full of positive feelings, and today I keep thinking I am going to throw up. Still no word.
Really, what has changed? He said back on BD day that he wanted a divorce. If he comes back and says that again, there is really no difference - he just might want to move faster.
So- still no word back from him. Maybe I just answered his question to his satisfaction.
However- I'm not happy with my response to this incident. I had a hard time functioning yesterday. It became crystal clear that my biggest fear in all of this is reduced time with my kids (up to 50%), and when formal divorce seemed a little closer, I panicked.
I stopped seeing my IC because she was very negative and kept pushing me to just accept H was gone (a week after he left). Maybe I need to find another one who can help me deal with my kid angst.
I can act and even feel "as if" in regards to other parts of divorce. I know I can heal from a broken heart, the finances are worrisome, but I have faith in myself as a provider, but missing out on such a big block of my kids childhood is simply terrifying. That part of it makes me feel like I am in a horror movie.
Fears are funny. My biggest fear is seeing my children caught up in the big ball of crazy that is my wife hopping into a 4th marriage w/ a man who is probably all right, but not me. And my kids seeing it. And thinking that it is normal. Truthfully, since I am no longer working on the R w/ my wife, I have MORE time with my children than before. Time to just throw 'em all in the car and watch OU/TX weekend fireworks. Time to go to the pool and swim laps. Good time.
You will not miss out on a big block of their childhood if D happens. Their childhood, however, will be forever changed. That is true, and something we who believe in marriage must deal with in our own way, with forgiveness and humility.
Me: 43 XW: 43 T15 M14 D21, SS15, S11, D8 BD: 8/6 EA / possible PA discovered 9/29 D final 10/20
