Need help

[MrBond]

"she can adjust her hours accordingly if she needs to start later....at least that is what she told me originally when she started. as much as I want to help, I cannot jeopardize my job either or we will REALLY be screwed."

And so how can you talk to her about this in a healthy manner?

[lostluv]

"she can adjust her hours accordingly if she needs to start later....at least that is what she told me originally when she started. as much as I want to help, I cannot jeopardize my job either or we will REALLY be screwed."

And so how can you talk to her about this in a healthy manner?

I have talked to her a couple weeks ago and she realizes that it will eventually go back to the way it was when I didn't leave early. She just said that she would deal with it and then throws in a comment like "I've done it for a few years already". -- don't worry, i stayed calm and just reassured her I was trying to help.

right now, I'm staying at work on thursdays for my after shift meetings. I have told her it will soon need to be 2 days a week and asked if there was a better day for her . she said it didn't matter. So, I figured when the time is approaching I will talk to her again to see if anything has changed. more than likely each month I will have to add a day.

should I just put it on the table (in a polite way) and let her choose the day?

figured i would say something like this:
"my boss talked to me today and he is asking me to start staying one more day per week to attend the meeting at the end of my shift. I would like to have your input as to which day would work best for us. Is there a specific day that would be easier for you?"


when I mentioned adjusting her hours before, she said she can't....which I don't understand why because she could before. I know that it makes her day easier when she can start earlier and I realize she may not want to.

I hate to bring it up, but I remember her mentioning a few months ago that the male co-worker that I accused her of having the EA with starts early. I do not even bring that into the conversation though, and I cannot let that effect what I need to do to work on my marriage because I really have no control over that. however, I know that it makes her scheduling with treating patients easier when she can work together with the other therapists before they all have THEIR schedules for the day made.

[MrBond]

ly. She just said that she would deal with it and then throws in a comment like "I've done it for a few years already". -- don't worry, i stayed calm and just reassured her I was trying to help."

Lose the scorecard. Adding your own mind reading commentary doesn't help you.

[lostluv]

It still considered mind reading commentary when it is what she actually said? Didn't realize that was a "score card" but I understand it's still a negative thought and I'm trying to eliminate negativity

Gonna be a long marathon for me.

On a positive note, she seemed to be in a pretty good mood this morning because her and my daughter got so e good sleep and my wife is finally getting over her cold/cough

[lostluv]

this evening's run down....

I actually slept most of the day today (woot!)

wife came home with daughter, didn't say much when i asked her how work was. the wife said she was hungry! This is where I would normally suggest going out to eat.....I did not suggest anything this time. I simply said that I have class tonight and I will probably be eating a little earlier than normal. then I just told her I'm here if she wants to talk about how her day went and I went and played with my daughter. put on the happy face and really enjoyed doing puzzles and reading with my daughter.

I was getting ready to warm up some left overs and asked my wife if she wanted me to warm up some for her and my daughter while I was at it, she said she would get it.
I warmed mine up and sat down to eat. my daughter sat on my lap wanting mine LOL (not normal) so my wife got to it and hurried to get their warmed up and we ended up having dinner together. I cleaned up and then went to class.

arrived at home and had a snack while my wife was watching her show on tv and only exchanged a few words of small talk. nothing major, but there didn't seem to be any tension. i'll take that over a cold shoulder any day. I managed to keep the happy face all evening and keep my mood up all day and night.

this is just my way of documenting things I do and to see what works. but feel free to add comments. and or suggestions?


are there any specific SUCCESSFUL threads that I can read? I'd like to read some positive stuff. seems most threads are all the same....would thing that there are people that actually have success and write about it? hope they do not just succeed at reconciliation and then leave the board leaving us hanging.....

[lostluv]

I've read DB , should I also read DR ? What's different between the two books?

[MrBond]

"would thing that there are people that actually have success and write about it? hope they do not just succeed at reconciliation and then leave the board leaving us hanging....."

Actually this happens all the time. People believe they save their marriages, so they just disappear. Sometimes we hear about them coming back because they left too soon or didn't continue the lifelong "changes" that they promised to do and their spouses left again.

[lostluv]

"would thing that there are people that actually have success and write about it? hope they do not just succeed at reconciliation and then leave the board leaving us hanging....."

Actually this happens all the time. People believe they save their marriages, so they just disappear. Sometimes we hear about them coming back because they left too soon or didn't continue the lifelong "changes" that they promised to do and their spouses left again.

unfortunate it would be great encouragement to have a success section for people to go to when they feel like giving uo

[MrBond]

There is. Look at the forum list for Piecing...

[lostluv]

thanks MrBond! It is nice to read about some stories that are working out.

just random thought this evening......

today was an ok day. Had a dentist appointment and they did a lot of grinding and installed a temp bridge. So wasn't feeling so chipper today. However, I managed to keep a positive attitude and took my daughter to the park while my wife was at aerobics class...and then came home and gave daughter a bath..... and we had a blast. Occasionally we go to dairy queen and get oreo blizzards....so we did that tonight. went through the drive through. even though my wife wasn't there, I got her a small one because I know she likes them as well. I know one of the rules is no gifts, but I figured she hadn't had one in a long time and it would be rude for my daughter and I to eat them in front of her. when she got home we were just getting ready to eat them..... I just simply said "there is a small blizzard in the freezer for you if you would like one" , then continued into the living room with my daughter.

I put my daughter to bed and then we watched tv until it was time for me to go to work. the only conversation that happened was me asking short questions about the show (she watches it more than I do) and how her class went.

when I was getting ready to leave for work, she was walking past and said "i'm going to bed, have a good night" ... I told her "good night, I hope you get some rest" (my daughter frequently gets up in middle of night)....for a moment we actually stopped and she made eye contact as if she was going to say something. I didn't really react, so she continued. it was a weird and awkward pause.

anyway, this weekend we are supposed to do a function as a family and I'm concerned. usually when we do something together, it starts out ok but then I start thinking too much. example... where we are going is over an hour away. up until a month or two ago, I would always hold her hand while we were driving. So, I usually REALLY want to, but I try to wait for her to initiate it....when she doesn't, I start thinking about her not loving me or wanting anything to do with me etc. I just need to keep thinking positive thoughts and realize "hey, she is still here! she could have just brought my daughter by herself".
I do have a much better outlook this past week, but i'm still nervous. every day I read the 37 rules and think about how I can try to apply them to our day long event.

I just want to enjoy the time together as a family and try not to think and definitely try not to expect anything. just have fun and continue to feel good about ME.

baby steps.......