I managed to shake off my sadness about D3 crying for Daddy this morning, the truth is that this sort of thing happened before the separation as well and is just part of our lives. Happily I can still make her feel better.
So my MIL is flying in from out of state around Halloween and she and I are going to take the girls on a long planned trip to Disneyland. H has not spoken to his Mom since BD and they just have brief texts with each other. He is well aware that she is not happy with this situation (its one of the things about all this that is so hard to believe - they were always so close). I'm sure she would like to see him, but I think she's looking to me to set the tone.
I was going to send H her itinerary, say that I'm sure the girls would love to see him and Grandma together, I would be amenable to anything that he wants to do and that he should contact his Mom directly. Likewise, I was going to tell her to contact him directly about seeing each other while she is here.
Any other thoughts on how to handle? It feels painfully awkward. That being said - it will be delightful to get away with her and the girls and have fun.
I've read a few times round here that its best to limit involvement in this sort of stuff. So I'd suggest maybe nothing more than saying 'MIL is coming to visit roubd halloween and if H wants to try and arrange anything to let you know'
Both mid 30s, 2 young kids BD 7sep14 XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1 D paperwork in progress
Or let you MIL figure out how to coordinate seeing her own son. Why is this your problem? I personally would stay out of it as much as possible, if you can.
M: 43 H: 39 D: 14 Married 15 Together 16 BD: 6/2014 S: 8/2014 OW revealed 10/2014 Instigated dissolution 12/2014, in progress So over it!
^^^ Their relationship is their issue. I wouldn't say a word about it. (Why do you even have to be the one who tells him that his own mother is coming to visit???)
You don't have to tell them anything, even to say that you are not managing their relationship. Enjoy your time with MIL and your kids. They are grownups and can figure it out themselves.
Thanks All, I hear your wisdom. I knew I shouldn't put myself in the middle, but H in particular is so passive right now - I couldn't see him doing anything. And my MIL is trying to be considerate of my feelings. I think at a minimum I will still just let her know that H is welcome to come around and see her.
Yep, he might not do anything. How is that your problem?
Do you want him to come around? Will it upset you if he comes around?
It is possible for them to make arrangements to visit without you at an outside location, no? Couldn't they make plans to have lunch or dinner or go somewhere-- without you? Is there something logistical that would prevent that from happening?
I don't mean to be harsh but I encourage you to examine why you want to stick your fingers in this, even just a little bit.
Is your MIL expecting you to help resolve or facilitate her R with her own son? Does that seem ok to you?
Hmmm- thank you Claire - you are giving me good reasons to reflect here. Why am I dipping my fingers into this?
I think the answer is twofold.
I do have some concern here for MIL. She is just bewildered by all of this. Right after BD, she called me and was absolutely terrified that I would keep the girls from her...which is ridiculous, I would never do that in a million years...but nonetheless she was worried about it. We don't converse much about what's going on (I don't want to put her in the middle of anything) but she makes comments about how broken-hearted she is and how she didn't raise him this way. I just want her to be comfortable during her visit and not worry about offending me, so all I'm suggesting right now - is telling her that nothing she could do in regards to seeing him with the girls would upset me. I feel for her, she is dealing with a new reality too.
They can absolutely go to neutral ground - in fact I would assume that's what they would end up doing, given H's distaste for being in the house.
The other reason is probably deeper. My H has been absurdly passive since he moved out. Other than the step he actually took to move, he defers to me on absolutely everything. For example, he waits for me to tell him when I he can see the girls (He frames it as when he is "allowed" to see the girls- despite my repeated attempts to explain he has a say in this) and then when I pop it back into his court - he tries again with "whatever works best for you". I confess this drives me crazy. Forget the marriage, it just doesn't seem like an effective separation. Somewhat selfishly, I guess I was trying to poke him into actually taking action on something. I'm scheduled to talk to my DB coach tomorrow and was planning on tackling how to handle my reaction to his passivity.
Bit of a disappointment tonight. H had D3 all day and then picked up D6 from school and took her to soccer practice. Normally he would have them tonight, but he has an early work meeting tomorrow, so we decided it would be best if they stayed with me. This morning I texted and suggested he might like to take D6 out to dinner after practice and then drop her at home. She doesn't get the one on one time that D3 does and I thought it would be nice for both of them.
He responded that he had already committed to help a friend (a month ago he said he had no friends), but would try to get out of it. Then he said he had told "them" that he would be a little late.
So we left soccer practice at the same time, I had D3 and he had D6. The big dinner apparently consisted of stopping at McDonalds and D6 eating it in the car. I barely beat them home. This will be the only time he has her this week.
So...on the positive side- the text exchanges where he sent this to me were the longest ones I've seen in over a month. I also feel no curiousity about his "friends" and the new life he is apparently building. I guess that's good.
I'm always torn between wondering if he is leaving me or if he is leaving his life - I tend to think he is just trying to leave me but then something like tonight happens and I recpnsider and really question his priorities.
Rallied, I say this with compassion, but it does seem like you have a bit of a controlling side.
"This morning I texted and suggested he might like to take D6 out to dinner after practice and then drop her at home. She doesn't get the one on one time that D3 does and I thought it would be nice for both of them."
Well, I'll certianly consider that - H and I agreed last week that we needed to find One on One opportunities for him and D6 (he can't see her on the weekend when she's out of school) and he left it in my court with a "let me know" - which is why I suggested it - he was certainly free to say no. I was just disappointed at his lack of effort after he said yes.
